posted September 07, 1999 08:32 PM         

2) Guilt.. People who have wrecked a family have inflicted much pain, and they have a lot they could feel guilty about. As reality sets in, they see many things they were overlooking. They may have felt no guilt during the affair and divorce, and the guilt they feel after the romantic marriage may come as a suprise to both of them. It is generally assumed that people who dont permit themselves to be happy must be feeling guilty about somethingm and are unhappy as a way of punishing themselves for their misdeeds. One aspect of guilt is the rluctance to enjoy ones ill-gotten gains. Another aspect of guilt is the urge to return to the scene of the crime and in some way make amends. As a romantic newlywed resists the joys of the ex-mate who was deserted so blitheyly, the new mate can feel disoriented and betrayed.

3) Disparity of sacrifice... Divorces are expensive luxuries. Whatever the financial cost, the emotional cost is far greater. Anyone after losing that much, will be drained, exhausted and depressed. It is particularly difficult when the exhausted survivor of a debilitating divorce marries the triumphant winner of the struggle. If the romantic partner is marrying for the first time, and especially if the courtship has been treacherous and insecure, the new mate will be ecstatic. A new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together. The partner who has never been divorced may have difficulty understanding the complexity of emotions toward the previous family.

4) Expectations.. Then there is the feeling that anything that cost this much emotionally had damn well better be worth it. The greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations from the new marriage. Now that the promised land has been reached, it should flow with milk and honey. But instead, the new couple are just 2 tired warriors with no fight left in them. Whatever these people were expecting, the best they are likey to find now is the ordinariness of real life, the dubious peace between glorious battles. The more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage that was the destination of it all.

5) General Distrust of Marriage.. Of course, anyone who has been unhappily married is likely to develop a strong distrust of the institution of marriage. People whose marriages fell apart during affairs are likey to end up distrusting marriages rather than distrusting affaris. People who distrust marriage have a vey hard time being in one.
6) Distrust of affairee..It might seem appropriate for someone to go out with them, or even to marry them, but not quite appropriate for someone to have an affair with them. Affairs are considered dishonerable acts, and peope who feel guilty for having affairs believe that they are dishonorable and their partner must be dishonorable too.
7) Divided Loyalties..During the affair tnd the divorce, the romantic couple isolate themselves. It is not only the betrayed spouses who are erased from awareness, but also the children, the families, friends, anyone who attempts to pull the romantic couple from the quicksand of their affair. But after the remarriage, there may be a longing to reestablish connections with families and friends and this may be more difficult than expected. Each close relationship and some that were amazingly casual may have to be renegotiated in view of the hurt caused to others.
8) The nature of infidels.... People who get themselves into affairs have some specific characteristics that must influence the course of their subsequent marriages. Each kind of infidel is different. Most of those who end up marrying an affair partner are romatics who drift hypnotically through this romantic high without taking much responsibility. Romantic remarriage seldom works, not only because of th unrealistic nature of romance, but also because of the reality-avoiding nature of romantics.
9)The nature of affairees.... Affairees want whatever they want from a relationship, jsut as everyone else does, but what makes them unusual is that they seek their goals among the married rather than the single. They choose partners who are not in position to marry them, and who are engaging in the relationship at great risk. People like this are clearly angry with marriage, and perhaps with the opposite sex. They believe marriage doesnt work, and they demonstrate that by breaking up another marriage as they find a partner for themselves.
10) Romance.. People who believe in the chemistry of romance dont bother to learn much about the physics of relationships. When the romance begins to fade, romantics know little about how to solve those problems that they have relied on romance to transcend. It is painful to watch a romantic relationship dissolve. It happens so suddenly, and so totally. These people have alredy demonstrated that they would rather get divorced than learn physics, so it is far easier for them to follow the same pattern.
11) Scapegoating of cuckolds... During the affair and divorce, the romantic couple conspired to convince each other that the defective marriage was the fault of the cuckold. To acknowledge otherwise, now that remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of the rescue fantasies that fed the romance.
12) Unshared history... Even if the new marriage survives all of these obstacles, there is one further characteristic of all second marriages: The absence of a shared history that brings familiarity torelationships that began earlier in life. If a romantic marriage has wrecked a previous marriage or two, the history of the relationship is painful to both partners, and possibly somewhat embarrasing to others. The new partners keep thinking about it and justifying it, but it is hard to talk about lightly, in the familiar, safe manner of people who can tell their old war stories without guilt. However intense their commitment, people who share a guilty past arent totally rpoud of their new marriage.

posted September 07, 1999 10:44 PM         

It is a fantabulous book! Doesn’t address how to mend a relationship, but gives plenty of details on how affairs happen and what goes on in the minds of everyone involved.

posted September 08, 1999 12:06 AM         

This thread helped me realize the brevity of my marriage to my husband after his divorce. I had been single 5 years, but he basically filed for divorce and met me. She had the exit affair. I apparently was an affair in his mind. It explains much to me about our marriage, and my husband's reactions.

Point No. 9 didn't fit, but many of the others did for my husband IMO.

posted September 08, 1999 09:31 AM         

Even now after 2 months of no contact with the ow and many sessions with Dr. Harley I still (at times) feel the pull to the ow and wonder if we could have made it work. Deep down I know the answer is NO, but it is a great fantasy and the affair was the biggest fantasy of my life. I'll probably never get over it completely, but things are working out in my marriage. The trick is to put the ow out of my mind completely, and the way to do that is to remember what you just posted.

posted September 08, 1999 01:52 PM         

Everyone I know who's partner left them for another, especially if the cheater was a woman, goes through a period where they think the ex is going to have a great life. It's hard not to. They (especially women) keep the house, the kids, the car, the furniture, they have a relationship, they are getting exactly what they want, even a great expense to others, and they are high on the delusion of the new romance. Compared to the betrayed's new life in a basement suite trying to explain things to his/her family without saying anything too nasty about the betrayer, it seems nice. But I've seen 4 cases including my own in the last year and in 3 of them (not my own, yet, but I strongly believe in trends) the betrayer is now a mess. Lonely, scared, and watching the romantic affair deteriorate under the weight of issues that were never addressed.

posted September 08, 1999 05:22 PM         

My H left me for his affairee almost three years ago. While he has not married her yet (he has lived with her for the last year), he intends to shortly. If it is going to break apart, I don't think it will until after they are married for a while, and reality sets in. Marriage has a way of doing that - while you are still dating or living together, the fantasy still continues.