posted November 21, 1999 07:41 PM         

I have been waiting for my husband to say certain things about his affair before I would forgive him. He had apologized when he confessed, he has changed jobs, and we are in counseling.

But I had some conditions to be met before I would forgive him. I wanted to see tears of remorse. I wanted to hear that he regretted what he had done and that it was the biggest mistake of his life.

As we left church together today, I had the clear impression that God wanted me to tell him that I had forgiven him. "But Lord, He hasn't cried enough yet. But Lord, he hasn't said it was a terrible mistake. He hasn't shown enough remorse."

I know. DO IT.

When we got home, I asked him to sit down in our bedroom and took him by the hand. "I haven't been ready to say this yet, because I had conditions and hoops for you. Now I want to put this away. I forgive you."

Then---the tears flowed like crazy and he buried his face in my neck. We held each other for a couple minutes. Then he said, "Thank you." And he went into the bathroom to blow his nose.

Aren't I glad I sometimes listen to those little prompts from above?

Love to all,

Liz Smith
POGP

------------------
When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2

posted November 21, 1999 07:55 PM         

I have often talked about whether or not I should tell my husband I've forgiven him, and many say that I shouldn't tell him this until he leaves the slug (with whom he is living). Some say it would be demeaning for me to do so.

I think that (as Michele Weiner-Davis has said in one of her online articles at http://www.divorcebusting.com) forgiveness is a gift that we give to ourselves. We can offer this gift to those who have wronged us when it is time for each of us to do so. I'd love to be able to tell my husband that I forgive him ... I don't know that he's willing to listen, or even if he's willing to be forgiven. Perhaps, as a friend suggested to me today, he believes what he has done is unforgiveable. I've heard from people in recovery from infidelity that the person who has betrayed the marriage often continues the behavior because of this belief.

Liz, you've given yourself, your husband, and all of us here a great gift. I hope that we can all accept it gracefully and gratefully.

posted November 21, 1999 07:55 PM         

NOW you have EARNED the title "PEARL OF GREAT PRICE"....

Wonderful!!!!!

posted November 22, 1999 08:39 AM         

Roll Me Away - you have been around here a while, so you know the ups and downs I have gone through in order to get to this point. Thanks for the "Pearl" comment! I just prayed for you and your h.

cl - You are so right that this experience of forgiving was really a gift from God to me..it just happens to benefit my h., my kids and our marriage as well. To think that I almost refused to say what God wanted me to say. He KNEW that the tears would follow the forgiving, yet I would have gone on indefinitely waiting for my h. to act remorseful FIRST.

moonbeam - thanks. I do really hope that my sharing this very private joy will help encourage my dear friends here.

Liz/POGP

------------------
When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2

posted November 22, 1999 09:14 AM         

I think we often confuse two distinct concepts: 1. dealing with our own pain/bitterness. 2. forgiving the other person and restoring the relationship.

The first is tough enough and we must do it strictly for our own peace. But it is the second definition that is Biblical forgiveness. The other person must acknowledge wrong (even if not remorseful, I don't know if I'll ever see that in my h; he feels more for what he did to the OW) and seek a restoration of the relationship. So where the h is still out there wronging you, you can't forgive him this way; you cannot restore him until he stops the sin. All you can do is deal with your own feelings, but this should not be told to him; you should NOT tell him you forgive him.

posted November 22, 1999 09:15 AM         

He continually reaffirms me now that I am often at the to stupid state.

------------------
God Bless,
Rob

posted November 22, 1999 09:27 AM         

professorg - I'm with you, sometimes 'stupid' is a great place to be, as long as we listen to God for wisdom! Have a great day, Rob.

posted November 22, 1999 10:23 AM         

I am very happy for you and your H. I know of no other healing words than those you said to him...

I read this when you first posted, and thought, "yes, I remember when I first heard those words from my H"... but it's what happened afterward that made me NOT respond to your post. Very selfish of me!!

Some of the later responses to your post, mostly Scizzo and professorg, state my fears in this type of situation. My H said he forgave me, only to turn right around and act totally nonforgiving. The words mean little without the action.

I cried in my H's arms and even posted about it here when he said it. It meant the world to me - everything! My dearest POGP (I love that name), hide that moment in your shell with you and remember what those words meant to both of you the next time the green-eyed monstor rears her ugly head (and she will, it's human nature, unfortunately)...

You are a wonderful person with a bright marital future ahead of you, I think. I see many blessings in your path...

Have a lovely week!!

posted November 22, 1999 11:02 AM         

Let Him guide your steps down the path He has chosen for you. It is a very narrow path but you can never go wrong in doing as He says. I know this sounds stupid or insane but once you listen to Him it makes perfect sense. He will give you PEACE UNSPEAKABLE FULL OF GLORY.

To God be all the glory, honor, and praise!!!

MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!

------------------
God Bless,
Rob

posted November 22, 1999 11:27 AM         

We know that forgetting completely is impossible, and I don't even believe that forgetting would be a good thing...it is time to remember the lesson and forget the pain.

Thanks for sticking around. Thanks, too, for your 'prediction' about a happy marital future.

We plug on with counseling and heartfelt talks. Sometimes it's painful. Last sesson my h. said "I know it hurts you when I say this, but my biggest motivation to make this work is loving my kids." That hurts, but the counselor pointed out that he also said "I want us to have a happy marriage and a happy home". To me, that would mean that I become the love of his life and replace her as 'the special one'. Time will tell.

Rob - Have a good Monday, thanks for posting again.

posted November 22, 1999 11:45 AM         

Also, I think there is am important distinction between "I am sorry I hurt you", which is the first apology I received, and "I am sorry I betrayed you and violated our marriage vows".

This first "apology" sounds backwards to me...I am sorry you are reacting badly to something I did. Whereas the second apology actually involved taking responsibility for doing wrong. I think waiting till the offender has some notion of what they have done is critical. Sometimes the fog is too thick for them to really feel sorry.

I still hope that someday he will regret the affair, but we have both noted that our marriage is now more 'real' and intimate than ever before.

Perhaps I should send her a thank you note? NOT!

grins,
Liz/POGP