posted December 09, 1999 06:37 AM         

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OH YEAH!!!! I really had to chuckle at the "infidelity behavior = teenage rebellion" comparison! DMac calls it being "Bad As I Wanna Be". In fact, his behavior the last couple of years was how *I* knew he was ripe for an affair - or in one - moody attitude, lots of drinking, lots of new music (being played ALL THE TIME), grew a goatee (which actually delighted me ), new cool clothes, staying up all night on the internet (uh-ohh...)(and the rest, as they say, is history ). So how did I know this new teenager in my house added up to maybe-an-affair? Because that's exactly how *I* was acting when I had *my* affair! Let's just say I recognized the signs.

My theory: I believe that people tend to grow emotionally in explosive "spurts", rather than in steady increments. When they're due for a spurt (i.e. haven't been growing as a person, and/or not understanding or tending to their own essential emotional needs), they start feeling stale & stifled & restless. They start acting out & testing the limits (Bad As I Wanna Be - The Teenage Years II). They're feeling angry, angsty and rebellious. Watch out - at this point, they're gettin' ripe for the picking!

Eventually, along comes somebody who seems to tap into these (relatively few) unmet emotional needs - which are really thirsty by this time - we are 'hyper-susceptible'. Blammo. Suddenly, *everything* that's wrong with life is suddenly the spouse's/marriage's fault. After all, our marriages are so central to our lives, the marriage MUST be the problem, right? Big, fat, easy target. Plus, now you've found your SOUL MATE! Who will make everything WONDERFUL! Time to throw out the baby with the bathwater!

But guess what? Although there may indeed be problems in the marriage that need addressing, IMHO in most cases the marriage isn't really so bad... most of us make pretty good choices the first time. The problem is simply that it's time to make some adjustments in the "roadmap" we're using to navigate our lives. Maybe the notions about life we inherited from the family we grew up in are wrong for us. Maybe we're in a career we dislike... we've been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Maybe we need to explore some things to really feed our soul. Maybe we're just growing up a bit more. We don't arrive at adulthood "fully baked" at the age of 21! *Maybe* it's a bad marriage... but in many (if not most) cases I'd guess not; and it's amazing what some tweaking (in counseling)can do to improve a "stuck" marriage (remember too that individuals in marriages don't commence their 'growth spurts' at the same time, but changes in one spouse will generally result in changes in the other).

*Whatever* is going on, a good counselor can help get to the bottom of it... can advise on anti-depressant meds if the strain of carrying on an affair has resulted in depression (or worsened an undiagnosed pre-existing depression). Undiagnosed depression played a *major* role in my affair - and makes it extremely hard to break the addiction to OP, since the affair is the only thing making the depressed person feel "alive". They are essentially self-medicating with the "rush" of the affair.

So where am I going here?! The upshot is: don't throw out the marriage until you've exhausted *every* other possibility for your unhappiness. The fact is that it's rarely the fault of the spouse or marriage; and the OP is not going to save you from yourself and your own unresolved problems. The OP is a temporary *addiction* - as hard to break as any other - but not a soulmate.

Get some help. Educate yourself. Make the tough choices. The right road isn't always the easy one - but it will lead you to a much better thing than a life filled with the initial excitement of one new relationship after another. We all know people who have been married three, four, five times. These are people who have ground to a halt emotionally rather than endure the work and sometimes pain it takes to grow.

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~suse~
Rome wasn't built in a day.

posted December 09, 1999 07:13 AM         

ThaNKS FOR YOUR PONTIFICATIONS.

This sounda exactly like my W.

I may cpoie it and get SIL to give it to her.

posted December 09, 1999 07:55 AM         

Surprisingly enough, HE's reading them. And making comments to me. So, I liked this one so much I sent it to him.

Thanks again.

posted December 09, 1999 08:11 AM         

Thanx

Thanx

ThisAlex

posted December 09, 1999 10:15 AM         

OF course most of us here will agree that ditching a "bad" marriage is the last thing we should do. One thing I have noticed & have also read in a few books. All relationships have their ups 'n' downs. Say there is "something wrong" in the marriage & one spouse is feelng lousy. They meet someone who they really "connect" with in some way. After a while, they start to feel good around them and not so good around the spouse because they have not addressed the "problem."

"Wow, when I'm at home with spouse I feel lousy and when I'm with Mr/Ms/Mrs X, then I feel good. My spouse/marriage MUST be the problem!"

As a kid growing up you have no choice in the matter. It's gonna happen. But with the mind and emotions, we all have a choice in how we deal with it. Some choose to try & understand & work on it (us). Others (our spouses) choose to "go with the flow" and take the easy, but ultimately far more painful & damaging route.