posted November 08, 1999 07:47 AM            

HIS Midlife Crisis!!

Will Your Relationship Survive?

You're in a committed relationship, married or involved on an exclusive basis. You've thought everything was glorious. Or, at least as glorious as it gets -- all relationships have some rough spots.

It seems that you're always fighting. Or he just doesn't act like himself anymore. He doesn't like his job. He wants to sell the house and get a little place in the mountains or a sailboat and sail to the islands. You're too fat or too thin or too short or too tall. He doesn't like being home. He wants a sportier car. He changes his hair style, starts a diet and joins the local gym. He says his clothes are too old for him. He says you and he have grown apart. He needs time to think about 'things.' He wants space. He wants something but he doesn't know what. He wants a divorce.

If he's between the ages of 35 and 50, your man is blazing a trail through male midlife - he's having a crisis.

We're not talking about the man who has always been a womanizer, a schemer or generally not the nicest person in the world. We are talking about the man who has up to this point assumed responsibility and been the person you could depend upon in time of need.

What you must keep in mind is that he really doesn't understand what he's doing, he isn't deliberately hurting you he just knows that something is wrong in his life and he's searching for the answers.

Of course you're sitting there saying, "Whoa! I'm supposed to just be quiet and tolerate his forays into other-woman-land and let's-junk-it-all-and-sail-around-the-world-
land or
ditch-the-stationwagon-I-need-a-red-sports-
car-land?

Well, yes. Of course you do have options here. You can rage and make demands that he clean up his act. And probably shortly thereafter you'll find yourself in divorce-land.

You see, men don't plan on turning unpredictable. It happens when they look in the mirror or in the eyes of their
grandchildren and see themselves as old men. They have, up to this point, believed they were 25-year old boys.

One mid-50's midlife graduate says it made him a better person. He has remained with his original wife and their relationship has been redefined to better meet his needs. He has his space and a home in the country that allows him to "entertain" when he feels the need and she has her space and their home in the city that allows her a place to pound on the walls and scream when she feels the urge.

Another mid-50's graduate traded the pressures of wife, home and business and now lives aboard a small boat, doing odd jobs to support himself.

A mid-60's executive still in crisis has added a 20-something mistress into his lifestyle. His wife waits patiently for the affair to run its course.

The Crisis:

Male Midlife devours relationships. It may be devouring yours. What you must understand and believe is that no matter what you will do, or won't do, the outcome will be the same. You do not have control over him, only
yourself.

He might not be alone on this search, but you probably weren't invited, and you probably wouldn't have been regardless of the circumstances. You see, you are part of the problem as he thinks he sees it. You don't
understand, how could you? He may have met someone else who seems to understand him perfectly, or reaffirms his youthfulness (as with the mid-60's executive, above). But how could anyone understand him when he doesn't
understand himself? He's in an emotional storm that will test the patience and endurance of all of those who love him as he comes to grips with the fact that he is no longer 25. He will hurt you. He doesn't mean to hurt you, but he will hurt you.

It's a punch right between the eyes when he suddenly realizes that he is getting older. There's so much he hasn't done. Time is running out. He can't keep up this stress of being husband, father, breadwinner! He's getting older - his hair is thinning, his waist is thickening, his muscles are flabby, his face is wrinkling, he's got a t-shirt with little hand prints and 'we love you, gramps' in childish scrawl. He is feeling emotions he's never felt before. And
occasionally he is impotent. IT'S JUST TOO MUCH!! HE CAN'T HANDLE IT!! HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE AN OLD MAN!!! Sometimes referred to as 'male menopause,' male midlife is not nice for any of the players involved. It's
difficult to say who hurts more, him or you.

What Now?

Should you try to wait for this crisis to end, for your lives to return where they used to be? It might take thepatience of Job and the result may still not be the one you want. He will do what he must do when he must do it.
Once he has made his passage he will not be the same. He is at a major turning point in his life, a normal part of the male maturing process that, should he be successful in navigating through the storms, will help him to lead a fuller and more satisfying life, accepting the normal limitations inherent with the aging process.

Some men aren't successful in the passage. Suicide rates increase for men as they age. Suicide offers the promise of release from seemingly unbearable emotional pain. Women know how to express their emotions,whereas men are taught to hold their emotions back, to 'act like a man!' For some, suicide is the only way to suppress the emotional pain associated with the midlife passage.

His Crisis - Your Problem

You need to be aware of what's happening to your man. Being aware will make you less apt to blame yourself for the things going wrong. He will be blaming you as it is, because he knows he's not wrong.

There's not much you can do to speed up his passage through this crisis in your lives. He probably doesn't want to talk about it, at least not to you. He may believe that you're the whole reason he feels the way he does. It's not true.

You need to understand that this is his problem, it will have to be his solution and what he’s going through is normal and you are not responsible. You can't change it or fix it because you didn't break it.

You will have to step back and let him whirl around in his search to find himself. He has a need to blame someone for the bad feelings he has - he will probably blame you. He must blame someone for the terrible way he's acting, for the lousy way he feels. He knows he's not at fault, it must be you. Don't believe it. And don’t try to explain his feelings to him. You can't and he won't listen.

Men Are From Pluto
Women Are From Macy's

There's no doubt men and women are quite different in how they handle emotional situations and midlife is one of the most notable examples.

As a female, you have been trained for your role in society to take care of other people, to be responsible for their well-being, to make things run smoothly. You have been taught to believe that when relationships don't go well it is your responsibility to correct the situation. You look inside yourself for the answers.

In the case of his midlife crisis, the answers must come from him. You cannot change his behavior, he must. You cannot undo the training he received as a young boy when he was taught 'boys don't cry,' and to 'take it like a man.' You can only understand that he has been taught that real men don't cry, or express fear, pain, sorrow,love, and joy. You cannot change the situation.

If you think you can control his behavior by changing yourself, you are in for a lot of anger and disappointment.This issue is not about you, it is about him.

'Real Men' Don't

Men are trained to hide their emotions. That doesn't mean the emotions don't exist, they're buried deep in the recesses of how 'real men' act. Let's face it, men are human beings the same as women are. They just don't act it sometimes and they certainly don't act it much of the time they're plowing through their personal midlife crisis.

When you get angry it is perfectly all right for you to express that anger. Society says he must be in control no matter the situation. He is trained to appear calm, cold, unemotional, unfeeling. It is easy to believe that he is that way inside, too. Men need to scream and cry sometimes. It's just not allowed.

His Financial Image

Society measures the worth and the success of a man by how much money he has and makes. If he isn't making the kind of money he thinks he should, he will be angry at the obstacles he believes are standing in his way. He may believe his family responsibilities are holding him back. Time is running out! He has to do something right now. He doesn't know what to do but he will do something.

He needs more affection now and may reach out to you. If you respond with surprise or rejection because you don't understand this new behavior, he may find the affection and affirmation of his desirability in the arms of a girlfriend. Nothing personal, you understand, he doesn't know what he's doing. And he certainly doesn't mean to hurt you. At midlife a man will do many things he wouldn't have done before.

He's scared of dying. His friends may be developing illnesses, some may have died. He's afraid.

He's resentful, frustrated and depressed. He feels trapped by his responsibility to provide for his family. He’s locked into a job or career that he no longer enjoys because he must keep the kids in college and make payments on the house and car.

If he's like most men, he may be in responsibility overload: in need of a break from financial responsibilities and the daily demands of work that he's had virtually since he got out of school. He may resent the fact that he cannot make the choices that so many women can as far as choosing whether or not they want to work and at what. He needs a long break from responsibility but he knows that's an impossibility. He's trapped.

How he reacts to this extreme pressure cannot be predicted. Rest assured, though, he will react.

What Can You Do?

The crisis will not end in a week or two. It may take a year or more to get resolved. You will need patience to let him learn to cope with the new feelings and emotions that are occuring in his life. You cannot do this for him nor can you demand that he seek counseling or talk the problem through with you. You may suggest it but you cannot demand it. It will do no good.

Again, understand and accept the fact that it is his problem, not your fault. Don't take the responsibility for his pain and suffering.

Give him space. No matter how insecure you're feeling, don't cling, berate, belittle or push him. If he wants more time than usual to be by himself or with his fishing or golfing buddies, don't complain about how little time he's spending with you. He's trying to think his problems through and he'll find a way regardless of what you say or do.

Now is the time you must develop yourself as an independent person. You must take responsibility for yourself and your happiness without depending on him for the closeness and intimacy that he probably is unable to give right now. Plan things without him. Learn to depend upon yourself, not him. Allow him to do the same.

Do things by yourself and with friends. Make a life for yourself without waiting for him to participate.

He may refuse to go to counseling but that doesn't mean you shouldn't in order to better cope with your feelings during this difficult time.

Continue to treat him and all men kindly. This may sound like a silly statement, but your confusion and resentment about his current situation may cause you to "male bash." "Dumb men" jokes may seem funny at the
time, but they will be painful and hurtful to a man in crisis and to men in general.

Reaffirm your love for him, your desire for him, your attraction to him. Tell him and show him that he is the most important person in your life. Do it without smothering, clinging or demanding that he reciprocate the feelings to you.

If you make the decision to demand that he straighten up, to demand that he stop his erratic behavior, to demand that he return to the person you’re most comfortable with, you'll be making a mistake.

If you make the decision to nag and whine, you'll be making a mistake.

If you think you can make the choices for him or tell him what he should do to feel better or get his life in order, you'll be making a mistake.

If you make idle threats about what you will do if he doesn’t change, you'll be making a mistake.

You are not to blame for the feelings that are guiding his life at this time. However, your actions will help to influence the choices he makes.

As hard as it may be to stand back and watch him self-destruct, that is the role you will have to take.

Coping with male midlife crisis is not easy. Not every relationship will survive the strain.

posted November 09, 1999 04:11 AM            

I am sure they can, I can not speak from experience because I am only 25 years old but I have three sister-in-laws who are going through the female mid life crisis, they say it is a hard time for them. They are no longer in their twenties so ever changing fashions are not as frequent but dying the old hair is a nightmare. If your a housewife your kids are probably getting to the teen years or around 10 at least, you begin to feel redundant and also feel that you are running out of years to live your life.

The guys on the divorcebusting site all say their wives have acted oddly after reaching 35 onwards. What have they done? The same as women need to do for men, not take it personal and all of them have realised its just one of those things that no one but the person its happening to can do anything about or can take responsibility for. I am told it is also a fact that no two people go through this stage at the same time in their lives so your wife may be starting her mid life crisis now, you may not start until 50 years old, who knows? The main thing is you follow similar advice given for the male mid life crisis, don't take it personal, let her ride it out and don't make too much fuss.

If you want some further advice contact Michele on the Divorce busting site she is around this age so I am sure she'll be able to prompt you in the right direction.