posted December 30, 1999 01:19 PM            

My understanding is the difference between marital cognitive behavior therapy and marital behavior therapy (as Harley offers) is simply in the "cognitive" part--cognitive as in "cognitions" or "awareness".

Behavioral therapists (without the C) seem to espouse the concept that identifying and eradicating behaviors that are inappropriate or bothersome to a spouse is all that is needed to repair a marriage in conflict: Apologize and correct.

And that is good advice for the most part. Where, IMHO, this theory falls short is in ignoring the past of the two individuals in the marriage. We do not come to marriage as "clean slates" -- so simply changing marital behavior without understanding why a behaviour is problematic or triggers problematic responses in our spouses may not be enough.

That having been said, I'll launch right into this stuff and save the editorializing for future posts.

There are three exercises that can be used by anyone to "get at" problematic thinking with the hopes of changing these thinking patterns, and therefore beliefs and therefore problematic behaviors. (I'll post the third in a subsequent thread cos this has gotten long!)

Core Beliefs:

We all grow up with some *core beliefs*--these beliefs are forged very early in childhood; many cognitive behavioral psychologists say they are developed by about age 5 and we spend the rest of our lives (unless these beliefs are challenged) seeing the world, our experiences through these core beliefs.

Negative core beliefs include:

1). I am flawed/defective -- something is basically wrong with me whether physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally

2.) I am unloveable -- I cannot be loved because there is nothng in me to love

3.) I am not valuable -- I hold no personal value on my own. There is nothing about me that is valuable

4.) I am bad/evil -- Despite the good I may do, I am basically a bad/evil person

There are also positive core beliefs which pretty much are the opposite of these.

Many of us hold more than one *core belief*. In my own case, I hold 2 and 4 as my primary *core beliefs*.

How does one come to know what his/her core beliefs are? You probably already know what they are but by answering these questions, it will become pretty obvious: (I strongly recommend this next part be done on a piece of paper so that the process becomes apparent.)

A person uncovers his/her core beliefs by identifying automatic thoughts (and then challenging them in another exercise).

(An automatic thought starts off very much on the surface. Your car breaks down, for instance, and you automatically think: "Great! Another freakin' breakdown!!! Bad things always happens to me!")

Questions to help identify automatic thoughts:

1. What was going through my mind just before i started to feel this way? (In the aforementioned case, maybe nothing was going through my mind. Maybe I was just out shopping. So that thought was triggered by the "situation" - car breaks down -- everything always happens to me!)

2. What does this say about me if it is true?
(Using same example -- This says everything in my life seems beyond my control; things happen to me all the time, things conspire against me).

3. What does this mean about me, my life, my future? (That I have no control over my life. Life happens to me and there is nothing I can do to change it!)

4.)What am I afraid might happen if this is true? (That I will always be a prisoner of misfortune..that I will also be a hostage of the gods, of bad fate, that I am powerless against such bad things. etc...)

5.)What is the worst thing that could happen if this is true? (That I am doomed to spend the rest of my life at the whims of fate..that I am powerless against such fate)

6.) What does this mean about how the other person(s) feel(s)/think(s) of me? (That I am a weak person who cannot cope with life's difficulties. That I am useless and of no value).

7.) What does this mean about the other person(s) or people in general (That everyone else is stronger than I am...that they can "see" my weaknesses and must loathe me).

8.) What images or memories do I have in this situation? (other times things have gone wrong that were beyond my control---and here you can work down through as many examples as you wish, until you "spend" yourself. The last thought, in my case, would be something like: These bad things happen to me because I am bad--I deserve them. I am being punished (as I was a child through my father's abuse) because I deserve to be punished because I am bad.--That's where these core beliefs of mine were borne.

(From Greenberger and Padesky: Mind Over Mood).

Once you know what your core beliefs are, you can begin to challenge your intermediary beliefs -- the answers to questions 1-5 for instance. (Challenging core beliefs can take a lifetime...but by challenging intermediary beliefs and seeing changes, we begin to chip away through experiential evidence the essence of our core beliefs.)

Exercise two: 10 Major Thinking Errors
(Identifying these flawed thinking error can be helpful in challenging intermediary beliefs)

1. All-or-nothing thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If a situation, or your behaviour falls short of perfection, you see it/yourself as a total failure. (Car breakdown: "This car is a piece of crap" rather than "Guess it was time for the battery to die, eh?")

2. Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using such words as "always" or "never" when you think about it. (Car breakdown: "This always happens to me! I never catch a break!")

3. Mental Filter: You take negative things and magnify their importance, while filtering out all the positive things -- insisting they don't count. ("I should get rid of this piece of crap car..." discounting that this car has taken you 100,000 miles problem-free and simply needs a new $50 battery.)

4. Mind reading: Without checking it out, you conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you. (You enter work and say "Good morning" but steeped in his/her work, your colleague doesn't return the salutation. You think: "He/she hates me" without bothering to say, "Hey, really engrossed in that eh? I said good morning. Looks like you didn't hear me".)

5. Fortune-telling: Before it actually happens, you predict that things will turn out badly. (In my case? My husband will not be able to handle knowing about my affair).

6. Catastrophizing: You blow up the importance of a negative event until yu think of it as a complete disaster. (Car breakdown means my life is a complete and utter disaster).

7. Emotional reasoning ****RED FLAGS HERE****
You believe that your negative emotions reflect the truth (the way thngs really are). This one merits a discussion on its own. Because a person may think "I am a bad person undeserving of love/affection" does not mean that thought is true!!!!

8. "Should" statements: You have a list of iron clad rules about how you and other people should behave. "Should" statements that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. "Should statements" directed against other people lead to anger and resentments. (Nuff said?)

9. Labeling: Instead of saying "I made a mistake", you attach a negative label to yourself: "I am a loser...a failure...a jerk..." (Again, nuff said?)

10. Personalization/Blame: Personalization is when you hold yourself persnally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. (Your car breaking down, your coworker being in a bad mood). Blame is when you hold other people responsible for your problems, whle overlooking the ways you might be contributing to the problem. ("My husband is the reason my life is a failure..." rather than, "I have made mistakes.)

(Adapted from the Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns).

Third exercise challenges these thought patterns/beliefs.

------------------
Take good care, Francis