posted December 30, 1999 01:35 PM            

Here's the third exercise to challenge core beliefs and flawed thinking patterns. Again, I strongly recommend that this be done on a piece of paper to see the evolution.

The exercise goes like this:
> Situation > Feelings > Automatic thoughts > challenging those auto thoughts > finding a "balanced thought".

Situation: Affair I had with OM

Feelings: Shame, sadness, confusion etc (stick to feelings, not thoughts)

Next: take the strongest of these feelings and explore with Automatic thought process to come up with a statement EG: Shame -- I am a bad person for having engaged in an affair. (Note, I have had to do this often with each and every feeling not just the strongest. Seems as soon as I conquered the strongest negative feeling, the next one surfaced...and so it goes...one step at a time).

So the Automatic thought would be: I am a bad person because I had an affair.

Using a piece of paper, put that thought at the top of the page. Next divide the page in half: On half use the head: Evidence For (evidence showing that I am in fact a bad person for having had the affair). On the other half/side, put Evidence Against (evidence showing that I am not a bad person for having an affair)

Spend each side---I mean really really use every imagineable thought for and against--go nuts, go wild!!! Treat this as a court case with you being the defense attorney and you being the prosecution.

At the end of the exercise, compare notes and try to come up with a balanced thought: (This was hard for me--I needed and still do need to continue working on this...but it is getting somewhat easier as I become better aquainted to using this exercise.)

A balanced thought at the end of this exercise may be something like this: "I made a terrible mistake by having an affair. I am human and humans make mistakes. The affair cost me dearly but I am learning from the mistakes I have made and will emerge a stronger person with a better sense of myself. I will now honor myself by engaging in those behaviors that speak more to who I really am."

Any questions? Comments? This is not easy, folks. It made me face some really ugly truths about myself that I didn't want to face...it made me stop dead in my tracks rather than retreat into my head or into oblivion. It has simultaneously been the most painful/exhiliarating/exciting time of my life.

But life's not over...so the story continues.

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Take good care, Francis

posted December 30, 1999 10:05 PM            

I am getting to these posts in a backward order so I posted to you and NB on her thread already. This is really interesting stuff and you do really enjoy it don't you? The joy you get from the self discovery comes through very clearly in these posts.

I also think I will send more than a few people over here to read this thread and the earlier one. There are some very useful concepts here.

Thanks again for posting these.

God Bless You and Your Family

posted December 31, 1999 06:54 AM            

Of course, all of this occurred once I got some control over the brain disorders--that had to happen first with the medication (SSRI) I'm on--don't think this brain of mind would have known what to do with all this info prior to getting the chemistry in order. (I guess I should throw in that I have to remain ever vigilant about the brain disorders I suffer with, because while meds have helped, I am still prone to blips --uh, I think you guys have seen a few -- but generally the meds help pull me back into reality more quickly these days.)

I'm a big believer in treating people like me from the inside out--Why? Because for 37 years, I tried it the other way around and it just didn't work. Fixing the external things just didn't work--because they were just that--external. (Kind of like mopping up a floor that has been sopped by leaks in a roof--gotta get the real problem fixed first and then you move on!

Luckily, God intervened! And I mean that--I don't think I ever would have sought help had it not been for my son's health crisis, which triggered my own major health crisis. You know the story. LOL...I won't bore you with the details again!

But yes, I do love this!!! And I love sharing it with people and watching "lights" go off as they see themselves or loved ones overcome the impossible (or what seemed like it!) as a result.

Susan--I'm glad you found it helpful...these exercises truly did change my life. They were painful though--my gosh, so painful to have to face so many ugly and hurtful truths about me and my life...but oh, so worth it today as I continue along this journey.

Only God knows where it will take me, but I know that with these tools, and his grace, I'll be ready for the challenge!!! And you will be too!

Happy New Year, friends!

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Take good care, Francis