posted April 27, 2000 02:08 PM            

1. Words of Affirmation-Sincere compliments and encouraging words-this person always has something nice to say and they often expect kind words in return. One hallmark of this language is the way people ask for what
they want, i.e. "Love makes requests, not demands" Requires humility, Demands are put-downs implying "I am important and you are not. Do this for me, your desires don't matter." A humble request looks like this-giving choices-"You probably have more important things to do, but would you consider doing this? I would be grateful".

2. Quality Time-People show their love by simply being there, by spending time with their mates. "It is a matter of being completely there, being a companion, not just taking up space. It does not mean that we have to spend our moments together gazing into each other's eyes. It means we are doing something together and we are giving our
full attention to the other person." (This fits Harley's recreational companionship category) Chapman breaks this down into two components:
One is simple togetherness, the other is quality conversation.

Quality conversation requires involvement, eye contact, full attention (active listening), listening THROUGH the words for the feelings being expressed, understanding the body language, not much interruption, a
soul-to-soul connection not just mind to mind.

3. Gifts-Some communicate their love in the language of gift-giving and they look to receive it from others in the same way. gifts are visual symbols of love, not a matter of money, tokens of our feelings for the other...an investment of a certain amount of emotion, wisdom, time, expense, and effort in the process of imagining, creating, choosing,
buying, wrapping, or transporting a gift to you, all because of love.

These gifts are often displayed, similar to trophies all around them, not because they are greedy and put emphasis in "things" but because of the way they prize the love behind the token of love. It is physical evidence of love involved.

4. Acts of Service-Sees love in doing things for others and expects this same kind of action from others. In some ways I see this as similar to the gift giving in that some of the acts of service may be help around the house, remodeling, etc...visual things that show one's love. It is more than cooking a special dinner, it may include baking a favorite cake as an extra to show love. It is helping to pack his or her suitcase for a trip and maybe putting in love notes, or a baked goodie, bubble bath or whatever else, you know he/she would like. Lehman, once a year, deposits his wife in a motel with flowers, books, room service, etc. and leaves her for a weekend to give her space while he deals with the kids. Now that is above and beyond the call of duty, but you can see how loved she must feel.

5. Physical Touch-Goes beyond sex, but seems to display itself in guys via sex, but it is more than sex. It is about big and little kisses, hand-holding, backrubs, arm around the shoulder, playing footsie, sharing an armrest ot the movies, lightly stroking a hand...etc.

This book gave some great examples of how we each give our type of love to the other and how that love is missed because our love language is different. It empties the love bank quickly..for example:

A husband's love language is words of affirmation and so he tells wife what a great dinner she prepared, how pretty she is, what a great job she did on the house today, how glad he is that she is his wife, etc...letting her know how wonderful he thinks she is before he heads out to a board meeting, letting her know he wished he could be with her and how much he appreciates her understanding about the board meeting....he believes that he has added credits to her love bank with these words....

But her love language might be quality time and so she didn't hear those words of affirmation, thinking instead that if he really cared about her, he would stay home from the meeting and so for every hour that he is gone, he is actually making withdrawals from her love bank. She sees something on tv that she would like to share with him, but "the board meeting is more important than she is..."

The guy gets home from the meeting and is wiped out from communicating, she is revved up from storing up all these things and desiring to connect with him in quality time. She tries to talk about the meeting,
showing some interest in what he does, but he doesn't want to go through it again....she shares what was on the tv, etc. and he feels bummed because she didn't ask him if he wanted to hear about that stuff...thinking that in all her chatter, she has not offered one word of appreciation for all the work he does to support the family or seem to care that he is all worn out...Both accounts get depleted because they are missing what the other needs.

Or another one is this guys decides to buy his wife a necklace and he goes to many stores trying to find the right one for this woman that he loves. He finally finds it and goes home to a wife who is miffed because
they are having a dinner party and hubby had said that he would be home to help and he didn't...there are things to be done before they get here and all he wants her to do is open that stupid present and she doesn't
have time for that...if he had come home to help then there might have been a few moments....so he is miffed and she is miffed and all the love and good intentions are missed by the both of them!

The more I think about these different love languages, the more I am seeing God change me, in that while I was absolutely convinced that my husband's chief value in life was his happiness to the exclusion of all else, that perhaps his complaints that I am not meeting his needs, ergo the DEMAND for things that I will not consider, thus depriving him even more, stem from the lack of understanding of his love language.

I was telling Karenna that I am finding his action of buying me trinkets (hubby's love language obviously is one of gifts)less offensive and less irritating even though it blows our budget because I now understand more that this is his way of showing me love. He also though has made an effort to do acts of service (my love language)which shows me that he cares enough to learn my love language. In turn, I am trying to find ways to provide those trinkets of love for him in ways that don't cost money('cause the budget can't afford to get blown)

Understanding that physical touch is also important to him is also challenging me as I am more of the claustrophic type who likes space! As creative a person I think I am, I am finding that perhaps I am not as creative as I thought I was in regards to showing my husband that I love him in HIS love language.

It was interesting to me that when we did the recreational survey there were two or three things that we both scored high on that we don't do together. I am presently trying to understand how the love languages impact his perception that he cannot do these things with me to see how I have sabotaged this and how I can now use this knowledge to the good of us, so there will be a freedom to embark on these things without fear and ridicule.

I also was sharing with Karenna that my mentor asked me what made my husband laugh and I really found myself being stumped by it, so I asked him. Trying now to find ways to provide those things which would tell him I love him in his language.

posted April 28, 2000 12:31 AM            

I'll dig it up in the morning, its around here somewhere in my mess =) One thing about being a working single mom and homeschooling...the house takes a back seat and everyone just has to understand and deal with it! I may even get my lawn mowed sometime this spring

posted April 28, 2000 06:28 AM            

The other thing I sometimes do is write out a piece of a psalm and them write a note to that, a prayer for my husband, compliments, etc... if David is an acts of service guy, then his favorite cake or banana bread or whatever with a note that you don't want him to starve or whatever...a loving you from here note... a care package box filled with goodies and notes, etc. Hire a person to mow the lawn and send him a note letting him know that he works so hard for you that you wanted to relieve him of this when he came home. I can relate to the acts of service thing, but I really do need a "gift" person to help me with ideas.

Also:

quote:

---

I haven't quite figured out what mine is...

---

posted April 28, 2000 09:16 AM            

Partial because he withholds the meat of the offering. I get the aroma only. This remodel for example. I say he is fixing up his OWN house, giving himself a new kitchen etc. because when he bought this house I had to sign a quitclaim to him to keep my name off the deed and loan. (My student loans are big and scary looking.) He was supposed to sign a quitclaim back to me right after the loan was obtained. He refuses to sign it. The papers are still here by his desk and he won't do it even though it is the only protection we would have if something fatal were to happen to him.

So it is his house. Not mine at all. Even as a married couple, I would not get it straight out if he died today. Not until he signs that little piece of paper. I feel like I am a roommate, not a married person, because we don't do things, or hold things jointly, or decide things jointly.

Acts of Service are all fine and dandy, but certain other acts would make them more believeable. Like sending in the reservation for the marriage workshop while I am out of town this weekend. Am I expecting too much?

Here's hoping and praying without hope in H, only in the Lord.

Love,

Karenna

posted April 28, 2000 09:50 AM            

BIM tells us that we need to be honest about how our hubby's behavior is affecting us. We just learned about our different love languages and how we have to be sensitive to the love language of each other. Is it possible to then to tell or to write him a letter that says " Now that I am aware that your love language is acts of service and mine are .....is it then a possibility for you to show me that you love me by DOING 2 things? Since one of my love languages is quality time, would you please show me that you love me by signing us up for that conference this weekend. And since I desire to honor and admire you for your acts of service to us in the things you are doing in the house, would you please sign the quit claim deed as you promised to do, so that I also feel like the house is for me as well. I know that you may not understand how I am affected by this little thing, and I am willing to try and explain if you want me to, but I am just saying that I really would feel honored and loved if you would do this act of service for me. You acknowledged last night that I am finally understanding you and I am excited about that. I want to learn more ways to show you love that you will recognize and appreciate and I also want to tell you ways that will help you to do the same for me so that we will be able to show love and not have misunderstandings."

Think on it!

posted April 28, 2000 12:49 PM            

I think you're right about mine being quality time, and touch. Most of the time I feel totally starved for affection and attention from him. We are to go over the EN stuff tomorrow. In a way, I am not looking forward to this because he may be angry that I was open with Dr. Harley about him not meeting my needs. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it is the truth, he does not meet my emotional needs anymore.

I need to spend a lot of time in quiet prayer this weekend.

posted April 30, 2000 12:32 AM            

I can't seem to remember which room it was being read in last...It was around Christmas so I should maybe check the attic!

It's so wierd how I see us all so different in our love languages... Do you think its how we say our parents give love? My dad was always doing things for mom... tilling a garden..she'd bring him out a cool drink...he's fix her car... she would pass the tools...he'd fix the roof, add on a room or whatever and she would have a big meal waiting when he was done for the day.... I love having someone "DO" something for me, contribution is a BIGGIE... H thinks that cuddling is all there is in the world... I like that too, but gee, fix the blasted sink would ya, Im tired of hauling water from the bathroom!

I will look some more for that book tomarrow, our church library may even have it, there is alot of resources there...

posted April 30, 2000 04:23 AM            

They moved like clockwork together; their morning routine was such that the water was put on to heat for oatmeal, the toast stuck in the toaster and if one was busy doing something else, the other came by and poured the oatmeal into the boiling water and pushed the toaster lever down to cook the toast. There wasn't any discussion about whose role it was, or any demands like, "Wife, I am hungry."

Though there was probably more, I only remember one argument while we were growing up and it was so severe that I was sure they were getting a divorce. I honestly thought you got married and lived happily ever after, that you did whatever it took. My parent's will be be married 50 years on the 14th. In some ways, I probably have been looking for a man like my father and the others don't come close.