posted February 03, 2000 09:51 PM            

Amanda

How to survive your husband's affair
What you – and he – must do to get to forgiveness

From Redbook on Women.com

You thought he meant "'til death do us part."
Now he's betrayed you and wants a second
chance. Your anger says, "Throw the bum
out." Your heart says, "The marriage is
worth saving." Here's a way to forgive, even
if you can't ever forget.

Most affairs fall into one of these categories. Find out what each means
to him — and your marriage.

The one-night stand
Involves low emotional attachment. Commonly occurs when he is away
on a trip. "The affair meets a momentary need with no further
commitment or consequences," explains psychologist Willard F. Harley
Jr., co-author of Surviving an Affair. "Give men or women an opportunity
to be unfaithful, and they probably will be."

Prognosis: Very promising, as long as it was an isolated event.
But Harley stresses an important question to ask: "Is your
husband addicted to affairs?" If he's a philanderer, "There's no
way to separate him from all women."
Preventive strategy: Be radically honest, even if it's
uncomfortable. "If Clinton had told Hillary he was attracted to
Monica, Hillary would have made sure Monica was out of the
White House," says Harley. "Honesty would have saved Clinton."

The mistress
Can continue for years, and may even involve love. Usually, what the
husband is seeking is relief from the routine and predictability of daily
life. "He looks forward to that special time set aside with his mistress
the way he might look forward to a sport," says Ann Langley, senior
clinician at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre in California.

Prognosis: Very difficult recovery, but possible. He must be
willing to accept responsibility for the pain caused; you must be
willing to forgive; both of you have to be totally open and honest.
Preventive strategy: "Be your husband's favorite person to talk
to, to have sex with, to play with and to fall in love with," says
Harley.

The "I want out" affair
"The person has already decided to leave the relationship, and uses the
affair as an exit," explains Langley. Unlike the need behind a purely
sexual encounter, this can be a deliberately hurtful act. "It sends a
message: 'I don't care. My investment here is over.' It's like the
punctuation at the end of a sentence."

Prognosis: The worst. "Obviously, there's a communication gap
and an inability to resolve conflict," says Langley.
Preventive strategy: Talk, have sex, play, fight, talk some more
— try to avoid this point of no return.

What you must do

First, both parties must understand that "the healing process
takes just as long as the wife needs it to," says Joel Block, a
psychologist in Huntington, N.Y., and the author of Secrets of
Better Sex. "This isn't a punitive process for the husband, it's
doing what it takes to make her feel emotionally safe again."
"You must understand that the affair wasn't about how much
more desirable the other woman was than you are," counsels
Shirley Glass, a Baltimore psychologist who specializes in
infidelity research. "It was about how much he liked who he got
to be while he was doing it."
Your recriminations can't go on forever. "A woman may not want
to heal because she'll lose the upper hand that his guilt gives
her in the relationship," says Glass. "She builds a memorial to
her pain and ends up pushing him away. The inability of a wife to
let go of the pain can even provoke another affair. At some point,
you have to let it go." Or you have to go.
You need to work at maintaining your confidence and
self-esteem by drawing from sources (friendships, work) other
than your marriage.

What he must do

Whatever a man's reason for wandering, his very first step
toward recovery has to be a sincere apology for the pain he
caused — with no excuses. " 'I'm sorry I did this, but ...' is no
good," says Block. "That implies that his wife is partially
responsible, when she has absolutely no responsibility."

Nor is one apology, however heartfelt, enough. Sure, he wants to
put the past behind him, but his wife may need to talk, talk, talk,
and that's a process many men would rather sidestep.
Telling the truth is critically important if you ever hope to rebuild
trust. "If the affair lasted three years, he shouldn't say six
months," says Block. "If his wife finds out he's been lying to her
again, that's a real setback." Broad generalities ("Yes, we met at
that hotel") are better than lurid details the wife will never be able
to forget ("She wore a red teddy, and we broke the bed.").
You get to set the tone. For many women, there is a painful need
to know every little trifle — and hear it over and over and over.
One of your husband's first tasks is to let you ask him any
question you want about the affair.
Your husband needs to be more emotionally supportive than he
has been in the past. "Going back to normal behavior isn't
enough, because there's been an injury," says Block. "He needs
to be more affectionate and attentive." It would also help to bring
gifts and help around the house. And he needs to accept his
wife's anger. "Not give it back to her, but absorb it, and really
listen."
He also needs to re-create trust by acting trustworthy and by
being honest — even if it subjects him to a level of scrutiny he
isn't used to, like calling when he's going to be late, or letting you
check his travel receipts or his cell phone bill. "The husband
might feel resentful, but he needs to look at it differently," says
Block. "He's not a child reporting to a supervisor; he's a husband
who hurt his wife and is helping her heal."

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I will love my husband "Always & Forever"

posted February 04, 2000 12:06 AM            

Looks good...
...very good...

Do you mind if I put it into the Notable Posts/Threads?

posted February 04, 2000 12:34 AM            

I'm not so sure he will read it, because he maintains he had an "almost mistake...."

but, what the heck.

posted February 04, 2000 12:39 AM            

quote:

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"You must understand that the affair wasn't about how much more desirable the other woman was than you are,"

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He can "be who he wants to be" instead of who he actually is.

quote:

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"It was about how much he liked who he got to be while he was doing it."

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posted February 04, 2000 01:10 AM            

Boy! Are we in trouble.

Very interesting, and I read every word. I pretty much stay away from here, but I'm glad I dropped by. Very enlightening, if not outright scary in my situation.

Thanks Amanda!

posted February 04, 2000 11:23 AM            

NSR: yes you can put it in the notable threads area...dont I feel special....first time in a long time...thanks..

amanda

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I will love my husband "Always & Forever"

posted February 04, 2000 12:15 PM            

This is why I've come to believe that very often, an affair has *very* little to do with the OP, or even for that matter, with the state of the marriage... but a whole lot to do with a person reaching a state of being on the edge of an "emotional growth spurt". I believe we change throughout our lives not in neat little increments, but in great, messy leaps! Almost like being in an earthquake zone... the tension in our 'fault lines' increases to the point where some kind of change is essential and inevitable.

The causes could be anything... unhappiness with job, depression, a feeling of getting older, death of a friend or relative, neglect of spiritual growth... whatever. The person is feeling stagnant and unhappy... doesn't quite know why... but hey, the *marriage* seems like a good bet! (especially if any kind of "friendship" or flirting has already developed)

I also believe that most people get involved in an affair out of sheer ignorance - they don't *know* what they're hungering for; they don't know how to fix what's wrong (hard to do if you don't *know* what's wrong!); they aren't aware that they're playing with fire when they engage in flirting or a close friendship... and things begin to spiral out of control.

"Official MB Disclaimer" : I'm not implying that the betrayer is blameless - clearly at some point a conscious choice is made to engage in a full-blown EA. But not all betrayers are evil slimebags devoid of morals... many, if not most, are just 'regular people' in some kind of pain who have naively and ignorantly allowed themselves to get sucked into a situation they didn't see coming.

So, to continue the subject matter on another thread (which has morphed into a discussion of custody & child-support) - how to decrease adultery? I don't think punitive divorce laws are the answer. Since when has fear of consequences stopped people from doing dumb things??

Primarily, I think that making people of marriageable age into "educated consumers" is the key. It shouldn't be easier to get married than to get a driver's license, for Pete's sake! IMHO, people are SO NAIVE about what marriage really entails. I've come to believe this so strongly, that I've started a file for my boys - information from the MB website, clippings of articles, "random thoughts from Mom", whatever. I'm not sure schools are the place to teach this stuff... perhaps seminars sponsored by churches, the YMCA, ?? And certainly - at home.

I think one of the best gifts we can give our kids is to share what we've learned about life - obviously, you can't just start talking "at" them when they're teenagers, or it'll all be ignored as Parental Mindless Drivel... but I figure a packet of written information will be something they might pore over & absorb (when they think we're not looking ).

Anyway, random thoughts...

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~suse~
Rome wasn't built in a day.

posted February 04, 2000 04:11 PM            

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Chick's
Bren