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 Marriage Builders Discussion Forums
 General Questions
 50 signs your spouse is having an affair (All found on this board) (Page 2)
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| Author | Topic: 50 signs your spouse is having an affair (All found on this board) |
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Kat1 Member |
posted February 23, 2000 11:11 PM
  
My H showed many of the signs above, but Alex the one about complaining about past mistakes ( yes exactly as far as 14/15 years ) really hit the spot.That's exactly what I got. Something from even before we got married. That upset me a lot, because it was something to be closed ever since we got married, had no bearing in our married life, and and was never brought up by him at any other time before the affair. To top it off, he was using that to justify his affair. Another interesting sign was "amnesia" suddenly he forgot all about any happy times in our marriage, and rememebered only negative things ( some of them that had never happened, or not happened the way he was saying it ). Kat IP: Logged |
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RWD Member |
posted February 24, 2000 12:10 AM
Change in habits and withdrawing from family. Looking back, my x withdrew from family about fall of 98. She stopped getting up for the kids in the morning and I noticed she was drinking about everynight she worked when she got home. I think the emotional affair may have started back then. She stayed up late to call om at work while I was sleeping and then between that and the wine would sleep in the next morning. I never did find any evidence she called om at his home as it was long distance. I think she tested me in April of last year when she set up a special night away for us and when that didn't work out the way she planned the EA turned physical within 2 months. She never did mention om name previously. She always talked about her other coworkers, male and female but nver mentioned him. IP: Logged |
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Butterfly Member |
posted February 24, 2000 01:52 AM
Starts "accusing" you of cheating. Asking repeatedly if there is (has been) anyone else. I truly think something happened before we moved here, while I was here already working and he was home "packing" up our house. As soon as we were living together again, the accusations started, and kept getting more and more frequent..... Guilt justifying it's self? Maybe I'm reaching for those things, but definately not these: Staying out until 4 or 5 am, saying he went to the bar "with the guys from work", and then went to breakfast.... Until 5 am?!?!?!?! Staying out until 4 or 5 am two or three and then 4 or 5 times a week (not just when working late, but even on days off). Repeatedly stating reasons why "we wouldn't be good together" (H & Twinky). And, when stating "we're just friends" but refusing to walk away from twinky to save our marriage. Oh well, I'm mostly venting tonight anyway... D was final today. ------------------ The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. IP: Logged |
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loveWASblind=lWb Member |
posted May 15, 2000 07:37 PM
My H always told me that me and OW would be "great friends" before it turned physical, yet she never once came in to meet me in all the times she gave him a ride home from work. IP: Logged |
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HurtButCoping Member |
posted May 15, 2000 09:28 PM
lWb: My H said the same thing...only he introduced us and asked her to come check on me when he was away on business and I developed complications during pregnancy... I would add "Picks fights about trivial things after 'running errands.'" --HBC IP: Logged |
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NoTrust Member |
posted May 15, 2000 10:41 PM
Here's some more... No longer pays attention to the kids or spouse, Loses interest in caring for the house and doesn't maintain it anymore, Withdraws from parents because too ashamed to face them, Says that they don't care about anything anymore, Says that they don't believe in marriage anymore and that humans weren't created to be monogamous creatures, Says that they weren't happy in the marriage and that they tried to fix it all by themselves in their head and it didn't work...Geez...wish my H would have told me that he was working on our marriage in his head...It would have been nice to be included in trying to fix our marriage. Stupid thing, though...he didn't come to me with our marital problems, but he sure didn't have a problem finding and confiding in a OW with OUR marital problems! IP: Logged |
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Keridwen7 Member |
posted May 16, 2000 08:30 AM
For me the signs were: 1. Very critical of me and constantly angry. 2. Restless. 3. Spent a LOT of time at the computer on-line. 4. Suddenly VERY private about personal stuff, like palm pilot, date book, etc. 5. Separate phone card from the one with our regular phone company. 6. Changed all passwords on e-mail account, or in my case, added a password to e-mail account (AOL). 7. Distance from me and kids. 8. Started sleeping on the couch. 9. Non-existent sexlife...or when we did...wanted to do very unusual or (to me) demeaning things. 10. Spent a lot of time alone. 11. Locked the bedroom door while on telephone. 12. Requested I get a separate checking account. 13. Started paying bills late. 14. Quit cutting the grass, trimming hedges, etc. 15. Quit helping out around the house. 16. Started new diet & exercise regimen. 17. Started buying new clothes and taking a new interest in physical appearance. 18. Disappeared for hours and unreachable. Refused to return pages. Left for entire weekends...said he needed space and time alone (yeah right). I could go on and on...these for me were the obvious signs. ------------------ Keridwen_7@yahoo.com IP: Logged |
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Hannah Member |
posted May 16, 2000 09:28 AM
To Beth28, Everything that you wrote applies to my situation to a tee! I read allthe others and they didn't apply but when I got to your post, I could have written it myself. The only very unique aspect to my H's EA (maybe P/A I don't really know..) is that she was my friend and she and her man were frequent overnight guests in our home for the past four years! I am not even sure if she is as attracted to my H as he is to her. He is still referring to her as his friend even though I know better and he got so angry the other day saying "Do you honestly think our marriage would be ok if I just stopped being in contact with her?" I said of course not but the fact that he not only insists on being "friends" for life, he is remvoing himself more and more from our life.. Sorry, I know I have changed the subject a bit here but I needeed to vent! IP: Logged |
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new_beginning Member |
posted May 16, 2000 09:33 AM
Mine was obviously wierd: I'd say, "Where were you?" and "Who were you with?" and he'd say, "Oh honey, you LOVE ME. Were you worried? That's so CUTE!" And then, of course, I'd find out he was with OW. Cute my ass! IP: Logged |
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Windy Member |
posted May 16, 2000 09:43 AM
Some of these have probably already been said but for me it was: 1) not showing interest in my desire to go away for weekend together. 2) checking email account whenever I wasn't at home. 3) leaving for work extra early. 4) being EXTREMELY forgetful!!!! And saying it must be a pregnancy related thing because I'm pregnant. 5) being evasive when asked questions about his day, such as,what did you do forlunch today? 6) Not wanting me to come to his office. 7) Not wanting to meet me for lunch when I asked, saying he'd rather go out to dinner. 8) not wanting to kiss me while making love...decreased sex drive...lack of affection...pulling away when I tried to get affectionate.... I think that about covers it. IP: Logged |
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Bystander Member |
posted May 16, 2000 10:12 AM
Kat, The amnesia about good times in a marriage happens in deteriorating marriages, regardless of infidelity. This unsettling (but fascinating) phenomenon is discussed by John Gottman in his latest book. The short version is that people will rewrite their entire marital history to justify their conduct. Bystander IP: Logged |
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darla Junior Member |
posted May 16, 2000 11:48 AM
My list  -1.Pager w/ voice mail 2.Leave house immediately after receiving a page - which he would deny. Guess I'm crazy! 3.Errands which should have taken 10-15 mins. lasting much longer. 4.Meetings which routinely (for yrs)ended at one time, now end "late" 5.Hiding calendar,briefcase,wallet, etc. 6.Cell phone which we don't need 7.Evenings out with the "guys".Using the ate breakfast excuse to explain late (or early hours depending how you look at it), hours. 8.critical, Critical, Critical 9.Not happy, haven't been happy.Wish we'd never married. 10.Dining at places you've never been together. 11.Changes passcodes, passwords 12.So many lies, trips over them 13.Encouraging you to go out with your friends alone 14.Distancing himself from daughter 15.Change of clothes in car. 16.Cologne in car 17.Defensive,defensive, defensive. 18.Takes off from work without telling you. 19.Won't return pages. 20.Says he's going one place, if you check, he either didn't go, or left way earlier. 21.Picks fights so he has excuse to leave house. 22.Says really cruel, hateful things 23.NO affection, no sex, no nothing! 24.Hates family oriented activities or holidays. 25.Doesn't include you in activities you previously enjoyed together. 26.Hangs up phone if you unexpectedly come home or in room. 27.Needs space, time, etc... 28.Going out with the "guys", but sure not dressing like it. 29.New things he says he bought.This from the man who doesn't shop anywhere but hardware store. 30.Now has "friends" you've never met nor spoke with on the phone. 31.Deletes caller id frequently. 32.Clears history on computer every time. 33.Doesn't wear ring any more when going out. Probably could go on and go, because the fact of the matter is....regardless of how well wayward spouses "think" they are hiding it...their behavior changes. The above was occuring BEFORE I knew who OW was, I just knew she existed.Where there's smoke, there's fire. IP: Logged |
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WhenIfindthetime Member |
posted May 30, 2000 12:00 AM
1) Begins wearing pager while everyone is home. 2) Friends use the page number instead of calling directly. 3) Beeper goes off, runs out of the house without telling H that there is bread in the oven, calls and says she will be late, and still doesn't tell me that there is bread in the oven. 4) Doesn't sign emails "love -W" just "W" 5) Moves you into a different bedroom 6) Won't answer the question why we can never be intimate ever again. 7) comes home from first day with om weeping, saying, "I'm still a good person" 8) very critical, to point of indistinguishable that it wasn't my fault. 9) Won't let you see her naked again. 10) Wants a new car with a sunroof, and previously, open sunroof hurt her hair, open windows were bad for allergies (OM has sunroof, as does all of H cars) 11) Begins being needed for male friends whose marriages are in trouble. 12) doesn't want to say who was with her on her night out. 13) goes to smokey bars when never before went with H, it hurt her eyes and had to wash clothes. Now carries nips in pocket book after never having more than 1/2 glass of wine with H in 10 years. 14) comes home to tell me that WE won darts. 15) Hides new issues of Cosmopolitan under bed, never read before. 16) Says that Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs" is sexist. One should never look good just for H. 17) "You don't have muscles and never asked me to go roller blading before." 18) "What 2 day sporting events that you haven't been to in 3 years do you want to go to this month?" 19) Coworker at volunteer job never knew I was married (because you didn't wear your rings, and you didn't want anyone to know you were, and i don't hang out with these people at 2am in the morning) 20) One night 10 years ago and one day 8 years ago were the worst days of my life, do I have to bring it up again? 21) Why do think I am having an affair? 22) Because I don't trust us! 23) I wrote those nice anniversary cards 5 years ago because I was just writing it. 24) Kids, "OM was selected for the Olympic TRIALS back 20 years ago" H, "I QUALIFIED for the World Championships!" 25) W to H, "I want you to meet new friend!" W disappears, and then comes back, stands int he corner, beet red. 26) "Its all your fault." 27) Well I can't change what I said to you, but I will only apologize if forced to. 28) You can't go with me and the kids because you make me uncomfortable. 29) Volunteer workers are real, they put their butts on the line for others. executives are not, you are not real. 30) Now that you bring up the OM, I was going to talk to you about that, I have been very unhappy for a long, long time, for the last 10 years. 31) We've done it your way for 10 years, now its my turn. 32) subscription renewals are for maximum amount of years, usually 2 to 3. 33) H's table setting for dinner is not set if late from work. 34) Mumbled under breath, "I've always thought that I would be married to a bigger man." 35) doesn't want picture taken with H any more, even by kids. 36) When you hug me, do you have to hold it so long? (2 seconds) 37) carries new hair scent in car 38) can't drive to s or d soccer game in same car, always have to leave early for something. And the finale: 39) W's newest best friend just found a soulmate by breaking up a marriage of one of soulmate's closest's friends.
[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited May 30, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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Chris (CA123) Member |
posted May 30, 2000 03:53 PM
They say, "what do you mean by sex?" Honest to God she said that! ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Josey unregistered |
posted May 30, 2000 04:05 PM
* Falsely acuses you of snooping or riffeling through their things. * Thinks you're listening at the door when they're on the phone. * At times goes way overboard in helping or complimenting (guilt), then other times is indifferent and could care less. * Remembers the entire marriage as a farce or never getting along. No good times. * Blames, blames, blames and blames. * Says things like "you know I've always been a loaner". * Can't remember from one day to the next things they've said or done. * Never seems to know what day of the week it is and loses time. * Pats you on the head like his pet dog instead of kissing you like he use to. * Does not want you to touch him. * Won't look you in the eyes when answering innocent questions. * All of a sudden gets a pager. * All of a sudden will not let you use his cell phone or password protects his cell. IP: Logged |
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