posted March 04, 2000 07:05 AM            

Although when an affair begins, it is wonderful in a way; that is very short lived.
When any relationship initiates itself it is like a child getting a new toy. They are facinated by it. But as we all know that facination that a child has with a new toy soon fades. Ususally when they have learned all that the toy can do and once that happens the toy becomes boring.

That is much the case with an affair. Discovery takes alot out of an affair. We as the betrayed spouses often feel as if the OP is the greatest and so much better than ourselves afterall if we were better, then our S wouldn't be in that relationship. This is not true.

There is never a relationship that will ever be not prone to having problems. And this type of a relationship will have plenty I assure you.

When they do arise, the OP will not know how to deal with them in the way that our S have grown accustom to, because they are not us and never will be.

Trust me when I say that things are not as rosey on the other side as we fear they are. In most cases, they are worse.

These OP are just as insecure about us as we are about them. And they will begin to question, doubt and LB. That is when it is critical that we have done a better job at not LB'ing.

Everything is not rosey and there are many times that our S miss us and the relationship we had with them. However, it is very hard for them to admit it, mainly because of theie own shame and guilt.

Do any of you recall what it was like when we were young? Someone would tell us that we were making a mistake and that we would be sorry, how many of you were damned and determined that they were worng and you were right and that you would prove it? Then we found out that they were right and we were wrong, that was a really hard thing to humble oursleves to, wasn't it? We were afraid of the "I TOLD YOU SO" line so many times weren't we? This is much the same thing.

There is a fine line between being there for our S and not smothering them either. We must let them know from our patience and lack of LB's that we still love them and just give it time to fizzle out.

I know that it seems as if we are letting them get away with something and in a way we are but once the affair ahs died and they come out of the stuper they have been in and sobber up. They will be over rought with guilt, shame and regret. They will be able to see the error of their ways and the extent of the pain that it has caused. That is when recovery begins and it can be great after that. Many times better than before because we all learn valuable lessons from having gone through it.

The point of this post is to let you know that although an affair is in someways like a walk through a rose garden... you must remember that there are thorns on those rose bushes and the more you tread through it, the more thorns you will be stuck by. As with anyone, when you get caught by enough thorns, you will decide that it is time to get out of that rose garden.

I sincerely hope that this has helped many of you. Affairs do end 9/10 times and we must think positivly and not assume that we will be that 1/10 instead of part of the 9/10.

Keep the faith people and trust in the love that you know that you and your spouse shared.
Also, remember that the more you tell someone that they are making a huge mistake the more endurance you are giving them to stick in there to prove you wrong. Don't make the mistake of backing them into that corner. Bite your tounge if you must, you know what a mistake it is and they will too soon enough.

posted March 04, 2000 07:44 AM              

edited by claudia103.

posted March 04, 2000 08:31 AM            

My H said so many terribly hurtful and cruel things to me. Things that I couldn't believe he was saying after all the years we had been together {12yrs and 2 kids}.

You have to realize that much of what they say to us, have been instilled in thier heads by others and its not actually what is in thier hearts. The influences are great but they do realize them for what they actually are in time and that is crap!!

Be strong Claudia... from what I can understand from your posts... your H loved you a great deal and that love will resurface. Its actually not gone its just covered up by alot of her crap. Give him time to dig through it and he will see the truth.

In my case... my H was facinated by the newness and excitement of another. Those very same feelings that we felt in the beginning of our courting. They are flattered by the attention and it makes them feel young again. My H said that he was overcome by the flattery of the attention. That he didn't realize that he still had "IT".

But he wasn't happy, because it wasn't me. I knew things about him that she couldn't. I knew how to handle the down times as well as the up times. She quickly became irrated by his mood swings and could not deal with it.

Rumors began about her and eventually he saw her for what she was and I am sure your H will too. All men want a good woman and any woman that would conduct herself in this manner is not a good woman! He will see that!!

Stay strong and be the glue that holds everything together. Your worthiness will shine through and win this war!!!

posted March 04, 2000 08:59 AM            

Thank you SO much for that wonderful insight. It was just what I needed to hear today. You really have lifted a weight from my shoulders today.

May I ask, it sounds like you and H recovered? I have only been here a few months, your name doesn't sound familiar to me??

posted March 04, 2000 09:14 AM            

Yes my H and I are recovered. His affair began in Oct'98 and ended completely in May '99.

It was very hard and I was a regular here from Nov'99 till April '99. Then I was absent due to lack of internet service. I returned in Dec'99.

My H said and did all the things that infidels say and do. I remember hearing others say things like it is normal, it will pass, he doesn't know what he is saying, it will end... and although I wanted to believe it soooo badly, I was terrified to.

I couldn't believe what was happening and it was like he had me jumping though hoops but I never could jump high enough. He had strong influences from the wrong side. I kept praying and trying to address the issued he had and make improvements in myself so that when and if he came out of his funk... I could be a better wife.

Turns out everyone was right! There were a few things that I needed to address within myself but when it came down to the line.... I was what he wanted.

Now we get along great, much better than before even. We have new hobbies together, we communicate better and we love each other more. He is much more considerate of my feelings too.

It is hard for him to understand how he could've been so wrong and stupid. He describes it as being temporarily insane. He felt possessed so to speak.

I am a better person too. I had gotten lost in all the day to day responsibilities and trying to be what everyone wanted me to be. I lost myself and my own identity, I got that back.

I used to be very submissive and now I am more like my old self again, the woman he fell in love with.

Although, I hated going though what we did and he does too... we are better people for having gone through as well as a better couple.

posted March 04, 2000 09:18 AM            

I'd also say that he probally was feeling as if he was being totally unfair and hurtful to you. It is strange but they start feeling as if we would be better off without them, and therefore they make somewhat of a sacrafice they feel for the good of us. Its twisted I know but it does show that they still love and care for us. They just don't even understand it to be that right now.

Just wait... she will have him on the run again soon enough.

posted March 04, 2000 10:13 AM            

Thanks again "coach"...lol You insight and wisdom always seem to be right on target.

Thank you for this boost.

Bill

posted March 04, 2000 10:35 AM            

Thanks for the encouragement. I hope we'll get there.

quote:

---

I am a better person too. I had gotten lost in all the day to day responsibilities and trying to be what everyone wanted me to be. I lost myself and my own identity, I got that back.

---

I read that so often in people's stories. Me too!! I literally felt like the maid, but I contributed to it, even was the major cause while trying to be super mom.

posted March 04, 2000 10:54 AM            

Thank you so much for this, I plan to keep this thread as a bookmark to remind me that there is hope for my marriage. My wife has decided to come home, not for the marriage, but because she is afraid she will lose the children. Right now she is so addiment that she wants a divorce that I have almost lost hope, but you and others here have helped me see that this is normal for a WS.

I plan to welcome my W home and to treat her with all the love I have. I will remember not to smother her though, thanks. Right now she is being very selfish and mean, but I like to think it is because her conscience is getting to her. I think she has played her feelings off as feeling guilty about being away from the girls, but I want to believe that she misses me in some small way too.

For now I am planning on Plan Aing it and giving her all the space I can under the same roof. I also plan to try to block a legal seperation/divorce for as long as I can because I know our marriage is worth saving.

posted March 04, 2000 03:40 PM            

I'm waiting until the 2 year mark. Christmas day of this year. My Wife has been gone since 17 Feb of last year. The kids received a package a few minutes ago from her. Seems they are in Memphis now. Been to New York, Milwaukee & Chicago already this year. She's started collecting bears from Hard Rock Cafe's all around the U.S and sending them to the kids. Isn't she just the greatest Mom? She wrote, "We'll get them wherever we can 7 send them to you."

posted March 04, 2000 05:54 PM            

Thanks so much for some positive thoughts to start out this weekend. Your words came as such a healing to me-they were words my ears were waiting for

Lucky for me my H knew at the time he disclosed his affair that he wanted to stay with me. That alone ought to make me feel great as so many here have such tough situations to work through. But I have suffered greatly due to his infidelity. I didn't know I could be hurt this badly.

But listening to what you have said only makes sense. And we all would love to be told daily how attractive or wonderful we are.

I too was caught up in the day to day trying to keep up with kids, work, H and household chores that I forgot to take time for the most important thing in my life.

Thanks for making my day seem bright and sunny

posted March 04, 2000 05:55 PM            

Here's the deal with me. I know for certain that my wife loves me dearly. No one could love as deeply as she has with me and have it all go away. When she started her new job after one of my businessess failed, she realized that she was 32, beautiful, and that other men were attracted to her. One got to her emotionally. That, combined with her being surrounded by women at work whose husbands make 1/2 million dollar salaries, caused her to turn on me in the worst way.

We have four kids, I've been successfully Plan A'ng, and she's been in withdrawals since 2/4. Problem is that Om must call her occassionally at work to sell products, and only she can take the orders. She wanted more financial security, so I'm getting an offer for a new job paying nearly $300,000 annually. Now she wants me out again, says she's leaving no matter what. But then has sex that night and in the morning says she's confused and will think about giving our new life a chance even though she doesn't love me. She did talk about seeing a lawyer last night.

My mom and many others say even this low level will pass. That I should just take the new job and she will relish in the new lifestyle which is what she and I have always wanted. I simply didn't want to achieve it this way, but I can and will be happy as long as I'm with her.

I like your name Genie29. I'm rubbing your bottle now. By the way, my wife has told me as recently as last weekend that she loves me and doesn't want to be apart. This weekend she's forgotten all that - funny how that happens.

posted March 04, 2000 10:17 PM            

Thanks for the post! I guess that is exactly what I needed to hear! I am really fighting the "gloom and doom" feelings today.

Discovery of my W's affair was two weeks ago today. The last couple of months have been the longest and worst months of my life. I often feel that there is no hope...but after reading your post, I just keep telling myself to be a little more patient!

Thanks again!

Doug