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 Marriage Builders Discussion Forums
 General Questions
 If you think infidelity doesn't affect the kids.... (Page 1)
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| Author | Topic: If you think infidelity doesn't affect the kids.... |
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wasstubborn Member |
posted March 10, 2000 09:26 AM
  
Guess again! When my H started his affair, my oldest was 18 years old. He was in his first year at college. This was a brilliant boy with his whole life ahead of him. An honor student in high school, he should have succeeded at anything he chose. His father's bad brain period began about the same time that my son started college. The upheaval in this house was too much. There was no way that he could concentrate on his studies while watching his mothergo through months of torment. He was far too peerceptive and worried constantly about me no matter how hard I tried to be strong. As a result his marks were not high enough to go on to his second year. He was informed that he could reapply in a year. A year later he has done just that. He was not accepted. This young man should now be finishing his second year of college. Instead he spent the last year at a full time job waiting to reapply and go on with the life he planned. His life was turned upside down because of his father's infidelity. What now? I know that there are much worse things that could have happened. But this should NOT have happened to him. It was not his job to take care of his mother while his father played around with a dirty little wh**re. I'm angry!!!! Kids may be resilient but life is not! I feel guilty! I should have been stronger. I should never have let him see my pain. That little bimbo gets off scott free. My H is happier than he has ever been and my son is still suffering from the far reaching effects of this crap! Infidelity destroys futures. My son's only mistake was loving and caring for his mother too much. IP: Logged |
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doc Member |
posted March 10, 2000 09:29 AM
My kids don't know about my W's affair (I don't think), but they can't miss the radical change in her behavior and the utter chaos brought on my our separation and apparently inevitable divorce. The devastation is widespread and long-lasting. Your love for your son is his best chance at health and a brigher future. I cling to that with my kids. IP: Logged |
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NoMas Member |
posted March 10, 2000 09:38 AM
Thank you 'waz'...I needed to see this. Thank you so very much. I am so sorry.... IP: Logged |
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chick's Member |
posted March 10, 2000 09:47 AM
Wassi! Girl, I know exactly what you mean! The day my 18 year old daughter came home and told me that she saw the OW's car at my H's office I knew that this was confirmation that he was having this affair. It was torture but I waited until she returned to college (she was home on break) and then I confronted him during a counselling session with the knowledge she had given me. It was so difficult but she KNEW. My daughter knew before I told her and she knew the pain I was going through. Though it hasn't affected her schooling much (she still get pretty good grades) It caused her a great deal of anger and stilted her own personal relationships growth. Now she has major problems with trust and she is very critical of men in particular. They have to be perfect for her to even give them her attention. Some would say that's not a bad thing but I think she's limiting herself in who she meets and how she deals with people. So, don't think this stuff doesn't change the kids, it does, maybe some more subtly than other but it definately does make changes in the kids and their behavior's. God Bless! ------------------ You won't see things until your ready to not be blind! IP: Logged |
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Lor (Lor) Member |
posted March 10, 2000 09:50 AM
My brother's 16 year old says her parents' divorce, final this past summer, was the hardest thing she's ever been through. She's in counseling for depression and used to be a really happy kid. My 14 year old is so angry and worried I WISH I could get her into counseling. She's never had a grade below a B & many times had all A's, this midterm she had a D. True, it was in advanced math/algebra...but it is still a worry because the comment on the midterm included "uncompleted assignments". I hate that this has happened to my kids. Guard says we can have our happy family back...oh, really? IP: Logged |
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wasstubborn Member |
posted March 10, 2000 10:06 AM
doc, nomas, bren, Lor, Please forgive me for not replying to you each individually. i am so upset right now I can barely think. Thank you all for your words. The timing on this sucks because I am now packing for an out of town tournament with my youngest son. I can't even be here for my oldest and I have to try to put a smile on this weekend. My parents are meeting us at the tournament and i haven't seen them in two years. They are totally unaware of what happened. Please say an extra prayer for me. I haven't been this angry since last summer. IP: Logged |
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Guard Member |
posted March 10, 2000 10:23 AM
Lor, I know that I am the cause of all of the pain of my daughters and of you. It is my fault that they are suffering with this. I am so sorry for having devastated our family. I continue to ask you for forgiveness, and I ask that from the girls also. I will continue to be repentent, and work to restore there trust in me, and to try to heal all of the pain that I caused them. I know that it won't happen over night, but I am committed to live my life as a spirit filled christian man that you and the girls need me to be. Yes, I do have faith that we can be a happy family again. I do believe that God can restore anything. Please read post to Woozy on her 7 yr old. Also please read BrokenButNotCrushed's story of hope. I love you with all of my heart and my soul, and love the children with all of my heart and soul. I will do what ever it takes, through God's will and direction to restore our family. I will be patient and prayerful. Kevin IP: Logged |
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wasstubborn Member |
posted March 10, 2000 10:36 AM
Guard I consider Lor to be one of my dear friends. There is nothing I would like more than to see the two of you succeed in bringing your family back together. I beg you PLEASE to communicate with your children. Heal what has happened to them. My son has been seriously affected by all of this. He has no respect for his father. My H should have talked to him. He should have brought things out in the open. He should have dealt directly with his son. Instead he put his head in the sand and hoped everything would just heal itself. If he waited long enough he felt that everything would just go away. It won't. It is up to him to repair the relationship with his son. I hope and pray that some day he will have the courage to do that. Please Guard, back up your words. I want so badly for the two of you to succeed! [This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited March 10, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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professorg Member |
posted March 10, 2000 10:38 AM
My W told our boys (now 13 and 11) what she had done because she thought I had done it already. Now I use what she has done as an opportunity to teach them the right way to deal with such matters. I talk with them regularly to ease any pain that they are going through because they need to know that someone they love is their for them. My W was not as fortunate as our boys. I believe this has caused her to think in the way that she does. Her logic makes my head hurt sometime. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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EdB Junior Member |
posted March 10, 2000 11:07 AM
This thread came at the appropriate time for me. That is one thing about this forum...when you need something, advice, pick-me-up, information, humor, hugs, or just to care for others, it seems to happen when you need it. Short background...my wife and I are part-time staff members at out church. When the minister found out about her affair he did Christian Lovebusting royally and pushed into quiting. She used an excuse that her other job demanded too much time (it is a temp type position). The affair is not public knowledge at church but I think it now may come out. As we were talking last night I said that I was afraid that our daughter (13) will get hurt. My W's comment was (maybe this should make the "hurtful things wayswards say, and later didn't really mean?" thread. She won't get hurt. Our daughter has know about the affair for about 3 months and she has tried to not let it get to her. The problem is that kids do see the hurt in others even if you try to hide it. They also see the anger, the frustration, and fear that we have. The sad part of the effect on the kids is that it forces them to make choices they shouldn't have to make. Our responsibility is to keep the love and care connections open to the children and in love express to our spouses that they to need to exhibit that. Also, what ever we go through, teach your children that they can love their parent(s) without fear of being used or put down. My prayers and thoughts are with y'all and our families. IP: Logged |
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Almost Happy Member |
posted March 10, 2000 01:47 PM
WS, More then just a bump or a pot hole......do you have Yellow Barrels, like we do? BIG obstacals!!!!  I think you hit it right on the head yourself! Your H should have talked with them. Not as much of what he did, (no details) but how bad he feels that it happened at all, and how and what he is going to do about it. Also, how he feels about their Mother now......... If they have to learn about this kind of terrible thing...... they at least will learn a lesson of how NOT to throw in the towel and to move on like you have done. IT'S NOT TOO LATE. Your H can still make mends with them, after all......he did this to the entire family. He could really come out smelling like a rose if he put some effort into it. That would even pump you up, WS, he would gain more respect in your eyes........and of course, get some praise from you, and help his self esteem. Talk to him.....then talk some more! Another thing that helps is telling the kids the good things he is doing for you right now..... I have kept my kids (25 and 28yrs. old) abreast of our progress.....of little things that my H says.....the other day he thanked me for letting him be a part of this road to our expected Grand Daughter......(5 days and counting!!!!!!) Infact he was saying.... Thank you for taking him back! I told my Daughter, she was so pleased that he talked like that.......((((((( I was shocked )))))).....he's not a talker as you know. Your Friend..... ------- [This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited March 10, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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MENTAL Member |
posted March 10, 2000 02:26 PM
I want to hear more.....please anyone else have any more signs of what the affair did to the children? Our children are young 7&9 I have watched them turn into 2 unhappy children and I have tried everything. I take blame I tried hard to keep "happy" thoughts of dad in their minds When they come home from their dads and say they did nothing....I try to find something they did and play it up. I try so hard to keep things simple....structure..... People told me to watch them...thatthat they will try and play the two of us...haven't noticed that yet. They give up easily on everything. If it requires time and patience....they simply stop and do something that takes no "brains". They are very leary of men. They don't trust a thing their dad says and question everything he does and says. They heard alot from him...saw alot from him...he has totally screwed them up. So no one can tell me differently. IP: Logged |
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Almost Happy Member |
posted March 10, 2000 02:52 PM
Sorry [This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited March 10, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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Limerick Member |
posted March 10, 2000 03:50 PM
Wasstubborn, I know how hard this is on the older kids. It seems like my 18 year old suffered alot more than my 9 year old. My son didn't graduate with his class because of his fathers mid-life crisis and our divorce. He has been in a depressed funk for over a year and it is extremely hard to help someone at this age, they are trying to get out on their own, they arent' looking for mommy's advise. All you can do is show him that you are now ok and will be fine. I know that it is really hard to have to be strong all the time, but they need that to let go. Your son will be fine, there is no time limit on college, he will get in and he will succeed, with our without college. You might try a community college that transfers credit. There our also alot of online courses, that is how my son got his diploma and he did go to college. He failed the first quarter and I am praying for him onthis or he is out. It is so tough on them. My son just doesn't have a postive male role model. My son and my ex-h go to "raves" together on the weekend. My ex-h is at about the same emotional level as my son. It is extremely hard to deal. Hang tough and Ill say a prayer. Gerri IP: Logged |
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Pinky Member |
posted March 10, 2000 05:05 PM
My daughters are now ages 19 and 20. They saw changes in their father right from the start. They would ask me if he was going through a MLC. He always had a good story for his whereabouts and some were very strange. My H has left me twice so far to be with OW. The girls have to see me cry sometimes and I believe this scares them. They love their father and he has been a great father to them, but this is hurting them. He admits he should have talked to them long ago and when he does it is hard for him. I am sure he is feeling guilt. I have read somewhere and I cannot recall the source that a situation like this causes more harm to older children. Both of them are in college now and sometimes the grades start slipping or they don't go to school and I am not sure if it is just being lazy or of the pain hidden within them that is causing this. Another thing I read in the book "Adultery, The Forgivable Sin" is that adult daughters of adulterous fathers can become angry and mistrusting of men. Their self-esteem suffers. This might lead to marrying the wrong type of person such as an adulter or they themselves will become part of a love triangle trying to get someone that is unavailable. I choose to want my husband back for my own needs. I am not trying to make him come home because of children, I guess I am being selfish, but my selfishness will help them in the long run should h and I get back together and have a normal healthy relationship. Good luck everyone and hang in there. Pam [This message has been edited by Pinky (edited March 10, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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