posted April 10, 2000 09:23 AM            

It's a long painful road for both. Most books on affairs caution that it takes as long to rebuild a relationship as the time it took it to fall appart.

posted April 10, 2000 09:46 AM            

Did you ever send the letter you posted on earlier MY thoughts and a letter to my H. Please give feedback. to your H?

Some ideas for you...

"I need to know what you need from me."
is a good question to ask... it's straight forward and to the point...
...but your not getting any response from him!

If this is the case...
...and I know you don't like the idea...
...but shoot for "trial and error"!

Pick an Emotional Need each day...
...try one thing to meet it...
...and at the end of the day...
...ask if he feels better because of it...
...or judge if he enjoyed it for yourself.
After about two weeks of this...
...stick to the things you did that worked!
...and keep on doing small variations of those things!

I understand you don't like the "trial and error" approach... but it is a very reasonable "learning" method... not for your H... but for you. Why not just give it a go?!

"...I know you need me to stop asking questions and I will keep trying to do that."...
this 20"?"s you must stop completely!

"...We need to communicate if we are ever going to get past this..."
very true... but try to meet his needs first... and then express your most important need... "communications"!

"You are the most important person in the world to me and I want to work on our marraige so that it is more satisfing and rewarding for you. I love you and want to work on being a better wife to you. I need your help. Lora"
very good!

What did Steve give you in the way of ideas?

How was your trip? Any seducing going on?

I'm praying for you...

posted April 10, 2000 11:39 AM            

I feel _____ when _______. I need _____.

In my case, it doesn't work, because my husband believes that his wife does not have a right to feelings, opinions, or needs. The only important person in this household is him. So, it doesn't work for me. It doesn't work for Dazed and Confused, either. I think Dazed and Confused is married to someone who has narcisstic tendencies. I think I am too. So, if you have a spouse that is capable of understanding and wanting to understand how you feel - this technique will work. If you have a spouse that wants a relationship with a person that has no more personality than a piece of furniture, as in my case, then it won't work.

posted April 10, 2000 12:05 PM            

I think the key is to be calm and nonjudgemental, and honest without laying blame. Easier said than done.

I really like the idea of writing your feelings in a letter. It worked wonders in our relationship. I wrote done EVERYTHING I wanted to say, but didn't give him the letter right away. I waited for a while, reread it, rewrote it over again until it was clear and concise. He read it, thought about it, and then we discussed it. In fact, he read it daily for a long time.

In our case, discussions that started calmly quickly got emotionally out of control. The letter communication helped to avoid that.

Best wishes,

posted April 10, 2000 01:07 PM            

From an old archive link...Please remind me why I'm still trying. (see TNT's reply)

A book recommended by Chris (9/22/1999) We Can Work It Out : How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other by Clifford I. Notarius, Howard J. Markman.

And an external link...
Assertive Ccommunication.

Thanks TNT for reminding me where this was...

posted April 10, 2000 10:17 PM            

NSR, No, I haven't given him that note yet. Chickened out. I will try and add your suggestions Thanks. I haven't had a chance to read those other links yet. No, no romance on vacation, but had some fun so I had to setle for that. I will try the trail and error, although I sometimes feel I don't even know where to start.

Trust- I'm afraid when I say "I feel" etc he takes it as being about me instead of about him so he gets upset over that. At one point said it was all for me and nothing for him.

Pepperment, I think letters are the best way for me to express myself. However he has never responded to any of them so I am not sure how they affect him.

posted April 10, 2000 10:30 PM            

Have you read any of the Giver and Taker sites?

Maybe presenting to him the idea of a Giver and Taker... could put some perspective on things for your H.

...it's a great lead into...The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)!

The book "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility" is very good on this!

As far as where to start...
Go down the list in any order...

1. Affection
   
2. Sexual Fulfillment
   
3. Conversation
   
4. Recreational Companionship
   
5. Honesty and Openness
   
6. An Attractive Spouse
   
7. Financial Support
   
8. Domestic Support
   
9. Family Commitment
   
10. Admiration

...sometimes just a step in any direction is a step better than standing still.

posted April 11, 2000 10:21 AM            

I will pick one need and try to meet it. I guess i have been trying to meet all of them I think he has and maybe not doing a complete job of anything. The problem is he seems to reject all my attempts. Hard to try conversation with someone who doesn't answer. I'm not strong enough to try sexual fulfillment on someone who is so distant and rejecting of even light affection.
I think he needs admiration. I will have to think on that one. It seems so contrived to do sometimes.
The other one I have been good at meeting is recreational companionship. He won't tell me what he wants to do. Just says "I don't care" but I know some things we have enjoyed in the past.
I am working on attractive spouse slowly. I have lost weight and I have started not wearing sweats around the house when he is home.

posted April 11, 2000 08:20 PM            

Growing means setting short term goals...
...and long term goals.

Practice on the short term ones first...

Make them measurable...
Make them clear and unambiguous...
Make them reasonable/attainable...

Reward yourself if you succeed...
Seek personal consolation if you don't and then resolve to do a better job next time!

Plan A afterall is a growing experience!

posted April 12, 2000 01:15 AM            

When I realized that I needed to respect my H feelings, views and actions - regardless of how they made me feel, it became easier not to LB. I simply had to let go of what I felt was the appropriate outcome and be more open minded.

It was very hard to do until I realized that I controlled my future and not him. While I needed to respect his views, I did not necessarily have to live within any boundaries that I was not comfortable with.

This realization allowed me to let go of some of the anger I felt toward him. I realized that he could do whatever he wanted but I could also decide to stay or go. It was all up to me. That is not to say that I had converstaions with my H that said you provide this in our relationship or I will leave. That is not it at all.

It just means that I was able to have a mature converstion about what we each needed . I no longer had to prove to him that he was the bad guy that neede to change - it did not matter since I decided to take control over my own happiness. I could no longer be mad at him for making me miserable.

Hope this makes sence.