posted January 21, 2001 03:18 PM            

I'm a 38 year old woman, my H is 37. We've been together since 5/90. H was my boss, we knew each other approximately 3 weeks and he moved in with me and my 3 year old daughter from a previous marriage.

We had a daughter 6/91 and were married 7/92. A few moves, job changes etc were going on which added additiional stress, we finally ended up with jobs in different cities for 11 months in 93/94. I left my job to go back to my family and we bought a house 4/95. H adopted my daughter in 95, too.

H's dad died 2/98 and he filed for divorce in 3/98. We went to 3 counseling sessions and supposedly the divorce was dropped. I found out when he decided to bring it up again in 7/00 that it was open in the courts all this time.

H moved out to a room 8/00, we attempted collaborative divorce proceedings but it wasn't working out for me. I do not want a divorce, feel anything wrong could have been fixed if we both worked at it, but H feels it would be a disservice to himself to attempt to try and reconcile. Currently waiting for litigation attorney to start doing something.

I have realized in the past few months that the children and I were locked into an emotional and verbally abusive relationship with H. I am currently on Paxil (anti-depressant)to help control the rollercoaster of emotions, and the kids and I are in counseling learning to deal with the negatives of our past relationship.

I feel H has had several EA (at least)throughout the duration of our marriage, and he admits to being selfish and putting himself before the kids and myself. He claims that we could never reconcile because he can't forgive me for finding an outlet (showing dogs & computer)when my needs weren't met. Also that "pandora's box" was opened and there will never be any going back.

posted January 25, 2001 12:24 PM            

[This message has been edited by gwoodle (edited January 25, 2001).]

posted February 02, 2001 02:10 PM            

4 years have known spouse before marriage - met in high school

1 month since "discovery"
3-4 months total length of the affair
Both EA&PA
# of Affairs -1 (so he says)

Currently in: Plan A
Living together
OP is: married
OP is: co-worker
Has divorce been: discussed/requested- NO
Following principles of: MB

months on the Marriage Builders forums - just started

2 children of the marriage, g age 17, b age 13
Who has physical custody - we both do, we are still living together
Are there Other Children(OCs) No
In counseling? Yes with Other…and…with Spouse

On medication/anti-depressants? Yes… What kind? Prozac 40 mg a day and still crying

posted February 08, 2001 06:38 PM            

-Male
-Age 35 Wife 32
-Betrayed
-4 1/2 years married
-Knew/dated W 6 years before marriage
-2+ months since Discovery 11/27/00
-4+ months at least, don't know when affair really started (found evidence as far back as 10/8/00
-Probably both EA & PA (Saw wife "making out" with OM in public place)
-1 affair that I know about
-Currently No plan/Plan B
-Living separate for 3 months. Wife left 2 weeks before discovery 11/13/00. She is supposedly getting apartment, most likely w/OM.
-Don't know if OM is married/single/divorced.
-OM is a co-worker
-Wife contacted attorney, believe she has filed. I haven't recieved "papers" yet.
-Have been following "Divorce Busting" and starting "MB" principles. Hopefully not too late.
-Just started posting Feb 2001

-No children. We were working on it just before.
-Custody: I have the dog, she took the cat
-Unknown if OC involved, if so they would be OM's
-Went to Marriage Counseling about 8 times, only twice jointly. Last time was right after NY Day.
-No medication for me, W may be. She seems really "out of it".
-Very possible W is in MLC. Wanted kids, hadn't happened yet, friend recently died 9/30/00, recent birthday for W. Think OM is 5+ years younger.
-Neither of us really drink. I still don't, maybe W started?
-No STD, W???
-No abuse
-Suicide, crossed my mind, not seriously though.

Lost 35lbs in just 3-4 weeks and it's stayed off. Even without Richard Simmons or Jenny Craig.

posted February 09, 2001 07:54 PM            

I can't wait to read all these posts.

I'm Male, 32 Wife is 27

Betrayed 6-30?-99

Married 8+ yrs

I knew my wife for a year b4 marriage

7-8 months since the discovery

Affair lasted about a week--at least that's what I'm told. I have some suspicion to believe it was MUCH longer

Physical Affair , possibly emotional--I'm scared to know too many details

1...I hope

Currently in Recovery for 6 months

Living together 6 months OP is Gone

OP is: common law

OP is: co-worker

Wife filed divorce about a week before? the affair supposedly began--dropped soon after

Following some close counselling/supervision from Church

1 week on the Marriage Builders forums

2 kids 1 girl 7, 1 boy 4.

Both kids live at home w/ us

No OC/Pregnancy from affair

In counseling w Church leadership w/ my wife

I was on Effexor b4 the affair--at W's request. None now.

Mid-Life Crisis involved? NO

Alcoholism involved? No

Has there been STD as a result of affair? No...I don't think

Abuse? No

Suicide attempted? No.

Lesbian/Gay issues? No

posted February 17, 2001 01:18 AM            

age 40, H is 46

No affairs in our marriage, although this is marriage # 2 for both of us and we were each other's affair in marriages #1

Been married almost 10 years, knew each other two years before that

2 kids each from previous marriage, 3 of the 4 live with us (all teenagers)

posted February 17, 2001 10:16 AM            

Male
age 27/W 27
Betrayed
9 years married
known for 12 years...met in high school
3 months since I found out
2 or three months was how long my W wasn't with me emotionally
As far as I know... all are Emotional Affairs on internet but plans were made to meet
Working on plan A but having rough time with the forgiveness thing
We still live together (WOW) I have been told through our whole life together that if I ever did this sort of thing.. There would be no second chances!!
She talks about leaving But not divorce..it hasn't been mentioned

We have two (almost) perfect kids..4yr old girl, 7yr old boy. I say almost only because they can't walk on water....YET lol.

No alcohol abuse ever neither one of us can stand it.. Has been alot of MaryJ though. Probably the only thing that kept me sane through the discovery.

Not helpless enough to abandon my children with suicide.. have had thoughts though..

My mistake was to give too much attention to my business (almost like another child to me), and not enough to the woman I thought was behind me through sickness/health..richer/poorer..better/worse.

posted February 18, 2001 07:08 PM            

Finally the courage to put it in black and white.

I am Female 46,betrayed. H is a reluctant 49

married 30 yrs

Dated 2yrs. Known each other since early childhood.

7+mos since D-Day (found them together on the eve of our 30th anniversary. OUCH that really hurt)

P/A 10 mos at the time of discovery. 16mos total,when he ended it for the 3rd time in Dec/00.
A BIG PS here..."H" told me that they had sex on a several occasions over a period of a few years in the mid 80's. Says it was nothing emotional on his part...just drunken sex...(he is sober now 10yrs. to his credit he did it on his own) BUT.. Am I suppose to feel any less betrayed? Let's see, that means the Affair went on for 15yrs. on and off before I found out mmmmm...

Living seperate since Oct. I moved out, not because of "A" but more about "lies".

OP is my SIL/ My brother died 2 yrs ago of cancer.

Divorce has been discussed. "H" says he wants to work it out. That is my hope also. But he refuses counseling. Still calls OW on occasion.

No plan currently. Tried plan A from July to Oct, switched to revised plan B in Oct.
2 weeks before my cancer surgery.

Trying to meet some of each others needs, I will not move back until there is a plan, wich includes "NO" contact of any sort, and at the very least counseling is in th plan.

5 grown children. 4 of which do not speak to their father since he told them about the "A". They feel he held them to a very high, "almost impossible" standard and yet he himself was not willing to live up to his own standard.

He is an INTJ I am an ESFP.

No anti-depressants for either of us currently (I was on prozac then Zoloft 5 yrs before D-Day and felt it kept me in a mental fog)

I have been tested for STD's. Neg. so far.

There! That's about it. Thanks friends!

[This message has been edited by Discovery2000 (edited February 18, 2001).]

posted February 24, 2001 02:12 AM            

I can't believe I missed posting on this thread. Just goes to show how one can get so busy with life and this recovery stuff.

So here goes...

Basic set of questions.

1. Female

2. I'm 48 Husband is 43.

3. Betrayed

4. We've been married 17, 15 at the time of discovery.

5. We had known of one another for about 6 months before we got together. That lasted about 1 1/2 years before we married.

6. It has been 2 years almost to the day since discovery. February 21, 1999.

7. This one is a toughy as husband isn't quite sure. The secret friendship was possibly 4 or 5 years long. The affair was nearly 2 years long, at least where they did things together unbeknownst to me, outside of work. The physical affair was a year to a year and half.

8. Emotional and physical. She was the love of his life. (Belch, at least I can now say was!)

9. This was his only affair. I have never had one.

10. Currently in recovery. I have to say we're doing really well too.

11. He never moved or and neither did I, so we lived each and every day in the same domicile through this mess.

12. OW is single, but when the secret friendship first started she was married, then separated in her mind, but they were living in the same house. Eventually she divorced and either before that divorce or after she got a boyfriend. (Now my time lines may be a bit askew, as hubby has that I can't remember stuff.) During boyfriend got heavy with husband and gave her boyfriend up without being asked for my husband. (There I think I got that right?)

13. OW was co-worker and they were acquaintance when they were young teens.

14. Divorce was discussed after discovery. Only threatened by him before. Both of us decided it was not an option for us without a sincere try at this marriage.

15. I followed MB principles right away, although didn't find the site for a month or so. He follows them pretty much, without knowing exactly what they are, and he sure wouldn't admit they are MB principles.

16. I have been registered since May of 1999. Started lurking sometime in March (?)of that year.

Very personal

(I have got to laugh at that one. I have spouted more intimate personal stuff here; this is going to be a breeze.)

1. One child together, girl from this marriage, age at discovery 13, now she is 15. Two for me from first marriage (This is his only marriage, and my second.) Boy 23 (guess he is really a man now huh?) and Girl 19, my troubled child. She is schizophrenic and bi-polar. I also have a granddaughter she is almost 3. Thanks to my son.

2. We both have physical custody of 15 years old we are still married. PTL My son is married, and my 19-year-old daughter lives with her father these days.

3. No children by the affair thank God.

4. No counseling, husband refused. Doesn't like psychobabble. I was already in counseling at the time of discovery. I quit at about four or five months into it. Financial burden and youngest daughter needed to continue with counseling. I get daily counseling here though!

5. I was not on anti-depressants right then at discovery, but had been in the past. I did this one cold turkey, without any. I just didn't want to go backwards. For me it would have been.

6. I do believe mid-life crisis was one but many factors in the equation.

7. Always wondered about my husband being an alcoholic? During his affair, or at least near the end of it, he probably was cleaner than he had ever been. My theory, he is a substance abuser who subconsciously tries to escape life. The OW and his feelings were a high, so he didn't need the substances as much. Happy to report, he is an occasional user now, and things are going well. His drinking and what not in our past had caused a whole lot of problems though.

8. No STD's and again PTL! I did go get tested though, he refused. When I asked him why he had unprotected sex with her, he said he trusted her. Now all of us know that any one who has been sexual active with more than one partner in their lives, could have a STD, you don't have to be a "bad" or "untrustworthy" person to get one.

9. We had become very emotionally abusive, especially with words. I had bordered on being physically abusive.

10. No suicide attempted, but I know we both thought about it. I however thought of it more than him most likely.

11. No lesbian or gay issues.

------------------
God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder.

Samantha

posted February 28, 2001 07:01 PM            

1 year have known spouse before marriage

4 years since discovery

1 month total length of the affair

Physical Affair

1 Affair
Currently in: No Plan
Living together
OP is: married
OP was: a friend
Following principles of: None yet

1 month on the Marriage Builders forums

2 children of the marriage aged 1 and 5

Are there Other Children(OCs) yes, one

No counseling, H says we cant afford it

posted March 02, 2001 07:52 AM            

Ok, I'm not too sure how these things work but I'm trying to post my profile - so here it is.