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 Marriage Builders Discussion Forums
 Just found out...
 The 'secrets' of our apparent 'success', what I learned, what I did
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| Author | Topic: The 'secrets' of our apparent 'success', what I learned, what I did |
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POGP Member |
posted February 18, 2000 12:32 PM
  
I was searching for something in the archives and happened upon this old post of mine. It's a few months later and things are going incredibly well. (I pray alot). I thought perhaps some newbies might need to read this post, especially if clinging and begging are common... BTW, you'll need to read "Love Must Be Tough" (James Dobson) and "Surviving an Affair" (Harley) for the post to make sense. originally posted December 02, 1999 02:59 PM I actually found myself using Plan A and Love Must Be Tough at the same time, during his affair, but before I knew for sure. Let me explain. When I found myself becoming clingy, I struggled to back off. I wasn't very good at giving him space. The less available he was to me (travelling for business, not calling me back from work, 'working' overtime (translate boinking her), the more I called, pursued, etc. We were technically not separated, but he was out of town three days a week on business and working 7 am - 9PM when he was in town. I found that when I a) met his needs as best I could when he was home (Dr. Harley) and b) communicated clearly that I wanted and deserved better treatment (Dr. Dobson) and c) that he was free to stay or leave (both Drs.) but he needed to 'decide to ride foot or horseback' (corny old New England saying) and let me know which as soon as possible, because I had a life to live. So, it may seem schizophrenic, but I did use both books, to a certain degree, at the same time. The main concept that I found them to have in common is you must respect your spouse's right to stay or go, and insist that you be treated with respect whatever their choice is. The opening of the cage door illustration still helps me everyday. Whenever I sense that I am becoming clingy or my h. is feeling trapped, I lighten up and remind him that we choose to be married each day. It isn't a prison sentence. He used to feel that he was trapped by the choice made by a dumb 21 year old (him). I highly recommend some books that have not been mentioned here yet. They are available at www.midlife.com. This is the Midlife Dimensions web site. The following books by Jim and Sally Conway are great: When a Mate Wants Out all are available on the site and most are paperback and easily affordable. Blessings, Liz\POGP ------------------ ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Amynoel Junior Member |
posted February 20, 2000 05:00 PM
Liz, Thank you for your post. I just posted my first message today in this forum, and would appreciate any further advice you have. I'm going to purchase Dobson's book ASAP, I have not read that one, but am familiar with his work. What you wrote made a lot of sense to me, and struck a familiar chord. I think I'm going to start to cry again, so I'll just thank you once more for your words of wisdom. IP: Logged |
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POGP Member |
posted February 21, 2000 12:57 PM
Amynoel, Pop on over to the Women's Bible Study forum. You will find more support than you ever dreamed. We are a prayer/support group of women who love their husbands and want to regain a happy Christian home where everybody's needs are met. just go down to "hop to" and click on Women's Bible study. Welcome. you will survive lizzie\pearl of great price ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Claudia103 unregistered |
posted February 21, 2000 09:17 PM
I really appreciate your 'secrets'. I am trying to figure this thing out. I clicked on midlife.com and actually sent a question. My husband is currently "addicted" to work. Also, the op is there working side-by-side. They do surgery together. She is his PA. Suddenly, after years of being unhappy doing what he was doing, it is like his and op are on some secret mission to save patients. In fact, that was one of his complaints to me. I can't understand what it's like to lose patients and she can. I wish he could see how depressed he really is. For respect (without reading Dobson) I told him "Whatever I wasn't to you, I was never your enemy (although he made me into one)" That seemed soften him up alittle. Can you be too nice though??? He has only been out of the house for a week and I've had an open door policy (also phone calls every night, more this week because our littlest one was sick). He was here a lot this weekend. He used the exercise bike and made himself leftovers. I treated him nicely. I'm more concerned with the kids(age 10-8-5) than me. They were very attached to him. He was very involved with them (although he denies it)He is coming over tomorrow for dinner (It's my littlest ones birthday) HE wants to go out with me on thursday to discuss finances (who pays what bill. Is it ok to be affectionate. HE hugs me in front of the kids? He asked me if I wanted to see his apt. Should I????? This is so weird. HELP. IP: Logged |
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POGP Member |
posted February 24, 2000 12:47 PM
Claudia, My sister died yesterday so I cannot respond to your questions right now. I copied your post to both the General and In Recovery forums. You'll get more response if you post to general, although people there are mainly asking questions too, so the topics are all over the place. READ SURVIVING AN AFFAIR (Harley), LOVE MUST BE TOUGH(Dobson) AND PRIVATE LIES(Pittman). IF YOU THINK ITS A MIDLIFE CRISIS, READ MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS, YOUR HUSBAND'S MIDLIFE CRISIS, AND WHEN A MATE WANTS OUT. ALL by Jim Conway and available at midlife.com. blessings, IP: Logged |
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