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Author	Topic: Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)
NSR Member	posted June 10, 2000 07:19 AM This is a repost of an earlier post on the Read-Only Posts forum... since you can't add to that forum... ...I copied its contents here so all can contribute more for the benefit of others new to these concepts. ------------------------------------------------------------ I've decided to write about some of the basics of Plan A... I originally created a post on Plan B... and after having a few sessions with Steve Harley... he convinced me to stay with Plan A... and outlined for me some vital elements that were missing from my interpretation of Plan A. This is what I wish to share with anyone who has an interest. Comments here include my discussions with Steve Harley and may, because of the particulars of my situation, not be appropriate for everyone's situation. Again, this is my take on Plan A. I welcome as many comments on other points of view... I am not the expert... you've got to go the Harley's for that! First a few quotes from *the book... quote: (#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of "Surviving An Affair"(SAA))) ...and... quote: (#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA) ...and... quote: Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. Love Busters!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...and at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important Emotional Needs (page 77 of SAA) that is... Affection Sexual Fulfillment Conversation Recreational Companionship Honesty and Openness An Attractive Spouse Financial Support Domestic Support Family Commitment Admiration To this end... one needs to note a few important aspects of Plan A... Both Plan A and Plan B are a cohesive collection of steps that lead one down a very narrow path* of marital recovery... They must work together if Plan A does not work by itself. You start Plan B only after some time in Plan A... a normal amount of time in Plan A could/should be about 6 months... but can be as little almost nothing to much more than 6 months. Plan B can only be as effective as Plan A was in setting up a foundation for the establishing a "safe" environment for the wayward spouse to return! That environment created in Plan A must also be "non-threatening", yet "changing" where the wayward can clearly see that there are improvements made in the betrayed's ability to meet the wayward's emotional needs. Continuing in Plan A is recommended until the wayward ultimately show signs of complete rejection of accepting there have been improvements by the betrayed... and/or the betrayed's feelings turn to one of overt anger... and resentment! Plan B should be put off as long as possible and builds off the benefits derived from Plan A! Damaging a good track record of Plan A can be done in as little as one day of Love Busting and what the betrayed remembers is the most recent actions before Plan B! Plan B has to have a seamless transition from Plan A, because once the betrayed is in Plan B there is no more laying down a foundation! The main element of Plan A is to have the waiting spouse avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty at all costs! These are the five most common forms of Love Busters! By avoiding all possible Love Busters there are no withdrawals from the Love Bank of the wayward spouse. Any withdrawals weaken the case for a "safe" environment for the wayward to return to. In general... anything that would make the wayward unhappy can be deemed as a Love Buster!. One time Love Busters are bad enough... but repetitive occurrences are disastrous. The wayward defines the Love Buster... not the waiting spouse. There is an exception that Steve Harley recognizes (as far as a "valid" Love Buster... and that would be, actions needed to protect the waiting spouse and/or children especially from physical harm. These actions, although they may be perceived as Love Busters by the wayward... can not be tolerated! Additionally "active divorce proceedings" require that only facts (as objectively as possible) be presented to the courts... with honest truthfulness being very important. This, Steve Harley regards as a "gray" area of Love Busting. The waiting spouse must keep the focus that they are still married. That they still have their spouse! Deposits into the Love Bank of the wayward should still be attempted...even if the waiting spouse doesn't know the actual needs of the wayward... At a minimum "trial and error" in determining the important emotional needs can be used. The waiting spouse must reassess their concept of "level of fairness"... and be willing to be the catalyst of all actions needed to improve the chance of recovery. This is sometimes referred to as the "doormat" issue... Having to do it all with no contribution from the wayward... sometimes even to the detriment of the waiting's self-respect/self-esteem.... Steve asks the rhetorical question... "Would you be a doormat for 3 months if you'd get $1,000,000 at the end?" Avoid those you would suck you into believing your self-esteem/respect will suffer. You will have the rest of your life to rebuild it... if it does suffer. In most cases... doing the more noble action is a builder of self-respect/esteem. "You have no rights when your married"... if you believe in divorce as not being an option! The taker cannot take over in Plan A! Steve Harley says... at divorce time... if during Plan A you keep your self-respect, and self-esteem as the most important issues... that you "stood up for yourself"... the judge will say "good for you... now you're single!" Focus must be on building back that passion and realizing that that romantic love is VERY conditional as was the process of falling in love. For those who pray... should pray for "clarity" of the wayward's mind... and your own "patience and focus". Plan A is not for wimps. Plan A requires Patience, Time, and Consistency. If you accept Plan A... seek also the support and fellowship of the people on the Forum... you'll need it! I have a post already on Plan B... see Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.). My experiences of Plan A and Plan B, and other's here at the forum, are meant to enlighten... not be treated as a replacement for formal counseling. Jim --------------------------------- Where two or more are gathered... [This message has been edited by NSR (edited June 10, 2000).] IP: Logged
Ernie Junior Member	posted May 03, 2001 08:32 PM On the doormat part, and the "lose self esteem for a million dollars" part. The objective is the question for me. I've spent a lot of emotional energy before wife's affair being the one who never broke the LB rules, gave lots of love, was always supportive and always doing things to please her in every way I could think of. Now she is vacillating with whether to stay (the affair is over for a while now but it's triggered thoughts, now that she finally told me, of whether she is "worthy" of staying [or wants to stay]). So now I have to give the same but moreso to bring her back? I KNOW this is an emotional response on my part, so understand that please....but after years of me making deposits, it didn't seem to make any difference. She says the only need i wasn't meeting (this is a quote) was that I wasn't attractive enough. So how is more love and more banking going to improve this? (Yes I'm pretty distraught). Right now, she's just sullen and trying "work it out on her own". At what point does she start to repay the bank, or realize what she needs to do in return? ------------------ IP: Logged
Terrified Member	posted May 10, 2001 12:59 PM Hi NSR, I'm a little confused with your Point E. My WS, who is still at home, says that he becomes angrier and more resentful of my behaviour. His quote is that "Why didn't I act like this before? Why am I doing this when it's too late?" What do you think? Your Point E states that Plan A should continue until WS completely rejects efforts? HELP! IP: Logged
NSR Member	posted May 10, 2001 06:07 PM Terrified... It is oh so common that the WS rejects the actions that are Plan A... ...It could be guilt (how come you(FS) are soooo good to me) ...It could be disbelief... consistancy pays off here! ...It could be anger with self(WS's self)... it happens... ...It could a misconception... that it is too late... ......it is almost never too late... it that is what your heart believes. What to do... ...unless the WS is furious with your actions... ...abusive... ...mean/nasty... ...stick with Plan A! You may have to tone down your outward actions a bit... ...give the WS some gentle breathing room... ...but... continue to be totally honest... and state your feelings... as well as your intentions to show your love through your actions. Good Luck. Jim IP: Logged
Patient Love Member	posted July 31, 2001 10:33 AM up for all IP: Logged
dumplin Member	posted August 01, 2001 01:47 PM What do you do when you don't know if you want to try anymore? H had an affair and broke it off only to go back to the OW again. Nothing physical, but talking on the phone. He says he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. I want to be with him, but Plan A takes so much energy and I'm so tired. H has decided he needs to move out and take some time to figure out what he wants. I actually agree with him. Right now, I'm so full of anger and hurt that I don't honestly see how I could pull off Plan A without blowing up. Any advice? IP: Logged
NSR Member	posted August 01, 2001 08:33 PM {{{dumplin}}}, There are no absolutes on how long you work on Plan A... ...just recommendations... ...but always some before Plan B. You can't keep him home... ...if he wants to move out... he will! (...my wife did...) Unquestionably, it can make the outward effort of working on Plan A a bit easier (LBs are automatically reduced!) Now think about... ...if you get back together... ...are you going to Plan A?... ...it's time to practice! "Anger and hurt"... is why we have this support system. NSR/Jim IP: Logged
still love him Junior Member	posted August 01, 2001 09:26 PM I am doing a good job with plan A. I have a question? Do you try to show affection early on. I am 3 weeks into plan A. My H shows me no affection unless I ask, then sometimes he will show me some. I don't know what I would do without this site. It is my therapy as I can't afford counseling. IP: Logged
Rosebrook Member	posted August 02, 2001 02:47 AM Hi Jim Just wanted to say hullo! yes, I am still around. But most of all I am so glad to see you - you wise and compassonate person - are still so generously offering help and support to all. I do hope the new job has worked out well. R IP: Logged
dumplin Member	posted August 02, 2001 03:48 PM NSR, How do you know when it's too late to continue? I mean I don't even know if I want to try anymore. I get so tired of being nice and sweet to him and getting it thrown back in my face. He owns his own business and although I have a full-time job and we have two children I am there anytime he needs me. If I sometimes say I don't have time, he says he'll get someone else to do (implying a female). I get tired of the mean "jokes" and "playing" when he talks about other women. It feels overwhelming. I'm not sure if I want to continue trying or not. He won't tell me he loves me because he's confused, but he doesn't hesitate to call whenever he needs something because he knows I'm trying my best and will do whatever I can. What do you do when he's "confused" and doesn't know what he wants and won't put any effort forth and I'm about fet up with the whole thing? I want to be with him, but I don't want to run myself into the ground by trying to be the "perfect" wife. I'd like to be able to look at him and tell him to get his head out of his behind, but I don't think that would help much either. LOL!! IP: Logged
NSR Member	posted August 02, 2001 09:55 PM {{{dumplin)}}}, "How do you know when it's too late to continue (Plan A)?"... ...when you reach the point that you can accept that there will be point where your Love Bank WILL BE DEPLETED... and the marriage will end! If you can't accept this... try sticking with Plan A until you do! 'I get tired of the mean "jokes" and "playing" when he talks about other women. It feels overwhelming.'... ...If you want to save your marriage... ...sit him down (in his "confusion")... ...and say... in complete honesty(allowed in Plan A)... 1. I am hurt by your mean/playing jokes about other women (fact) 2. No effort in working on improving the (next to) most important relationship of your life... will result in loss of all your love. (fact) If these continue... you will be ready for Plan B! Honesty and Plan A can and should go together. Jim IP: Logged
dumplin Member	posted August 03, 2001 03:29 PM Thanks NSR. I have posted the long story in General Questions. I appreciate all the advice. I did have a good response from H today. You can read about it under Lostva-please reply ASAP under General Questions. IP: Logged
dumplin Member	posted August 03, 2001 09:50 PM NSR, Are you still here?? Dumplin IP: Logged
DMSFC Junior Member	posted August 04, 2001 01:28 AM What to do... ...unless the WS is furious with your actions... ...abusive... ...mean/nasty... ...stick with Plan A! Hi Jim, Thanks so much for your advice on Plan A. I NEED ADVICE PLEASE!!! I am in Plan A and am seriously considering Plan B for the following reasons (we sep Feb, I filed May, he's been living with OW on/off since April, started MB June with him and he decided to stop because Steve was too focused on the marriage and not on him): H wants nothing to do with me. Won't see me (we were separated before I even knew about A and MB) unless it's a forced situation. Won't respond to any of my e-mails. Has said that he thinks divorce is best option to stop the pain(I filed on May 16th before I knew about MB.) H is seeing psych that says he made bad decision to marry me and that he needs to create new decision model to evaluate relationships (our marriage probably won't pass this new model) I was doing ok at not LBing for first few weeks of Plan A (been in Plan A about a month) and last few times I LB'd even with the best intentions--my husband's anger and verbal abuse, e.g., "you never met my needs during our 4 year marriage and OW met them immediately. Why should I give you a chance?", "I hate you!"--I can't seem to react well to his constant barrage of insults and extreme anger and hatred towards me (yes, I have read info SAA and infor on LB's--even filled out questionnaire from H viewpoint) I confronted H with OW last night at a restaurant. He told me that he was not going to see OW until he finished with psych and made final decison as to who he wants. I said to him that it looked like he had made his decision and he nodded his head. I think that he felt relieved and is hoping that I will stop trying to save our marriage. How do I go back to Plan A with such an inconsistency in my actions? *I am experiencing a lot of anxiety. Please help me!!! Thanks! DMSFC IP: Logged
NSR Member	posted August 04, 2001 02:13 PM Plan A is to focus on you... not your H... You can do all the changes for yourself... ...and if your H doesn't see them... ...it's not your fault! Plan A make you a better person... period! Once you can accept that your Love Bank balance can and most likely will go to zero... ...then... and only then go to Plan B... Anxiety can be countered with (medication to a lesser degree)... ...but counseling, therapy... and huge shot of "faith restoration"... Focus on relationship building with someone who won't let you down... (only one place to go for that!)... ...that relationship building is also founded on no LBs, meeting needs, honesty and time! Then applying it to everyone else in your life... ...with a great deal of patience... ...(humans are fickle)... ...will lead you to your own peace! It's not so much a "letting go"... ...as finding your way back to a healthier journey. My recommendation... ...hold back on any actions that move the divorce forward... ...keep him informed on your personal growth... ...and work on Plan A... until your Love Bank balance is near drained! ...when then time comes... ...draft that Plan B letter... ...hold on to it... read it... review it for a few weeks... ...you'll know when! Your relationship building... the helathy one... ...will tell you when it's time to shake the dust off your feet with the hard-hearted. You have my prayers... (From one who gone the D-day --> Plan ? --> Plan A --> Plan B ---> D ---> "New SunRise" life!) No matter how bad it seems... ...it can get better. Jim IP: Logged

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