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 Marriage Builders Discussion Forums
 In recovery
 'After the Affair' by Janis Abrahms Spring (Page 1)
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| Author | Topic: 'After the Affair' by Janis Abrahms Spring |
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loving hubby Member |
posted February 13, 2000 06:51 AM
  
W and I are about 8 months into recovery, doing well but we all know it takes quite a while to rebuild. I should say to build a better loving marriage. I am presently 6 chapters into 'After the Affair' by Janis Abrahms Spring. I must say I am impressed and enthusiastic about what I am learning so far. When I finish reading the book, I would like to have W read it too and then for us to discuss it and use as a springboard toward complete recovery or however complete is humanly possible. I would love to hear from those who have read the book and have used it successfully. Hopefully, success stories will encourage W to want to read it rather than read it only because I ask her to. Thanks in advance, God bless, Loving Hubby [This message has been edited by loving hubby (edited February 13, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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HGBrawner Member |
posted February 13, 2000 12:16 PM
I read After the Affair and did find some very useful information in as the wounded spouse....I don't really remember much about what it had to say for the unfaithful spouse. However, I found even more useful information in Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It has chapters written especially for the wounded spouse and for the unfaithful spouse. These chapters do a great job of describing for each spouse what the other is going through in the recovery process. Of all the books I've read on affair recovery, Torn Asunder is my favorite. A couple of other book suggestions on building a better marriage are The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Making Love Last Forever by Gary Smalley. I found both to be full of excellent suggestions that work. For the record, my husband and I are fast approaching the two year mark since the discovery and end of his brief affair. I believe full and complete recovery is absolutely attainable, but it does take time and effort by both spouses. I also know that our giving complete control to God and allowing Him to guide us has made all the difference. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Lor (Lor) Member |
posted February 13, 2000 01:03 PM
Both my H & I read After the Affair last year after his confession. I was reading everything, including the books HG mentions so there wasn't a lot of new info for me. But for my H I think it was the book that made him realize that what he felt for the OW was not unusual for a betrayer...textbook in fact, and it opened his eyes a bit. Of course, he still has gone back to her a couple more times... IP: Logged |
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SAME BECCA Member |
posted February 13, 2000 01:21 PM
Loving Hubby, I never found this site until last November- 7mths after discovery day April 25/99. I heard about the book from a talk show (missed the program but heard the book annouced). I was lost and had no support. Who announces an affair has brought havic into their lives? I even had to order it in to a book store! I read it at first and was so happy to see that what I was going through was normal. I wasn't going crazy! Then again I guess you do with such betrayal. Then before I read too much we began to use it as a workbook. It was more help than the councellors we saw (not a good selection of help in our community). I read it out loud and we stopped when we needed to contribute or ask each other a question. I guess you could say I'm a BIG fan of her book! It gives insite to what both spouses might feel and how to recover. It stimutated discussion about the root of the problem and what needs to be done to heal each other. Learning to forgive was a chapter I still read. That's a long process! Just asked H and he said it helped him to understand my pain and opened up us to communicating. Get her to read this thread. Tell her how important it is to you that you work together and recover sucessfuly. Take Care, BECCA IP: Logged |
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peace lover Member |
posted February 14, 2000 07:30 PM
I loved After the Affair. It was very helpful. My husband and I (7 months after discovery) read the "Covenant of Promises" on pages 244-245 to each other. We both cried. It helped me (the betrayed) a lot. I don't know what it did for him, but I know he felt a lot from saying those words to me and hearing me say the covenant back to him. Affairs are very confusing to say the least for both parties. Peace lover in FL IP: Logged |
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torn heart Junior Member |
posted February 16, 2000 09:29 AM
Do you get these books at the library or book store?????? IP: Logged |
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kam6318 Member |
posted February 16, 2000 09:39 AM
I've gotten this and others from amazon www.amazon.com Kathi IP: Logged |
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Lor (Lor) Member |
posted February 16, 2000 10:19 AM
My library carries AFter the affair & many of the Harley books, so it won't hurt to check. IP: Logged |
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Sir Hurts Alot Member |
posted February 16, 2000 02:43 PM
HGBrawner I'm glad you're still out there. I've read many of your posts from the archives and found them to be oozing with wisdom.
quote: I found myself trying to give my wife over to God and let Him work on her. I have also taken the other route and tried to manipulate the outcome. Both methods frustrate me. The manipulation one obviously makes me feel pretty low. Can you elaborate on giving your spouse over to God and letting Him guide you? Sorry to butt in Loving Hubby. Thanks, SHA IP: Logged |
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loving hubby Member |
posted February 16, 2000 04:19 PM
Thanks for the replys everybody. I just finished the book today. Showed W the thread and she will be reading it. Same Becca - I like the way you and H read the book together. W and I will be doing ' the same thing only different'. I read and highlighted the topics that I would like to talk about and W will read and highlight topics she would like to discuss. Can't wait for her to finish. God Bless Loving Hubby IP: Logged |
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jnvc Member |
posted February 16, 2000 06:49 PM
Great posts, In 6th month after D-Day of a partial physical E.A. Is there other E.A.'ers out there? I am going to have to get these other books. I read Harley's His needs, Her Needs, lots of good info there, and together we read Chapman's book the 5 love lanuages. Big help! My W was the betrayer. I seem to have this insatiable appetite for info about affairs and know why. Anyone else like that, especially from the betrayed side? I have also become so suspicious. My W completed a full oh...about 3 mos of complete withdrawl.Never saw the OM during that time. But now we see him weekly at sports team practice, kids on same team. Our recovery is going well. But I still have questions about what they did/ she has told most of the grizzley details, but I think of more? When is enough enough, or do I need to get them out, they won't go away. Ive prayed (Christian) about them etc.... ps/ E.A. was discovered on email, I knew my W's password, she didn't think I would ever look at her email! Glad i did , and she even says she is thankful I did. It was about 2 weeks away from completing the act. but mentally for me it seems to feel the same as if they did. The stuff he asked her, very sexually explicit, etc... ------------------ IP: Logged |
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HGBrawner Member |
posted February 16, 2000 07:53 PM
jnvc Sounds like you are pretty normal. The need for every minute detail is very normal....but I caution you to work on letting it go. It will begin to control your life if you don't get control of it. I can tell you from 2 years out, that it gets less and less with time and I believe it will eventually go away. Is it possible for you and your wife to take steps to avoid contact with this man? I realize that short of moving to another town, this may be hard, but I believe it is a part of healing. My husband's affair was with a woman in our church. We stayed there for about 6 months, but found that we were no longer able to worship and the fear of running into her was too strong for both of us. There were no concerns about the affair resuming, but the constant reminder of the affair that her presence created was hindering our recovery. We still live in the same town, but now are members of another church and have found that to be a huge step forward in healing. Another book suggestion for you is Devotions for Couples by Patrick Morley and Quiet Times for Couples by H. Norman Wright. Both were wonderful for my husband and I in strengthening our spiritual bond and aiding our healing. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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SAME BECCA Member |
posted February 17, 2000 11:20 AM
Loving Hubby, Glad to hear your W is willing to work on this/or any book with you. Nice idea with the highlighting! Hope this helps you heal. I know I was feeling better knowing H wanted to participate with reading the book before we even started!Take Care,BECCA IP: Logged |
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Mare Member |
posted February 17, 2000 12:38 PM
HGBrawner, Thank you! Everyone around me thinks I'm crazy for wanting to know every little detail of what H did with OW. It's so great to hear that it's normal. The sex part makes me sick, but knowing that he shared his life with someone else is even worse. Loving Hubby, Again, thank you for the book recommendation. I definitely have to get that book! Mare IP: Logged |
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jnvc Member |
posted February 17, 2000 05:56 PM
HGBrawner Thanks. Well...not really, that is not see this OM. He is a parent on our kids same team. We are even all going on Tounament trip together, not same planes!But same hotel!I will be a nervous wreck. I have had several friends including her best friend across the country tell me to keep him away from her and vise vesa. No fear of EA continuing, it stopped immediately upon discovery, I talked with OM he apoligized and said he would not contact, but when they see each other....I read that it was also important to not let them make eye to eye contact, really important from the female side, truth to this? why? ------------------ IP: Logged |
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