posted March 04, 2000 05:05 PM            

I am a total believer in the concept of working to identify and meet legitimate needs in my husband's life. Personally, I prefer Gary Chapman's concept of "love lanugages" as the way of doing that. Rather than listing 4 or 5 things that qualify as emotional needs, we talked about and made a list of the things that we did for each other that made us feel loved. By looking at the lists and applying the love language concept, I was able to see that my husband's love languages were quality time and physical touch (not necessarily sexual touch, tough). Mine are acts of service and gifts (I love it when he sees something that needs to be done around the house and does it without my having to ask). As we worked through the process of talking about the affair and how it came about and as we were honest with each other about things that we felt were important in our relationship, we were both able to see how important "speaking" each other's love language was. He very much needed me to just sit with him and be close to him....to stop as I was walking by and he reached out to me....to make him feel that he was important to me, more important than anything else I was doing at the time. I sitll have to remind myself what his love languages are and make the effort to "speak" them to him.

But this was all done in the process of recovery, not while the affair was in progress. And I think that is my principle concern here. Someone who is actively involved in an affair isn't living in reality. What may have begun out of legitimate needs that were not met (creating a vulnerability in the unfaithful spouse) has spiraled into something that is meeting selfish desires. Perceived faults in the wounded spouse are magnified as are needs that may have been unmet in the marriage.

What I want to do is caution wounded spouses whose husband or wife may still be involved in an affair to move carefully in trying to meet needs. I think it is absolutely essential to try to determine as best you can what your spouse's love language is and to try to "speak" that language to them. But it is also important not to be drawn into a competition with the op.....a competition that can spiral into something that you can't maintain once your spouse commits to the marriage.

And I believe that when you identify the legitimate needs that are present in your spouse's life and then work to meet those needs, you can win the battle for your marriage. I believe the combination of shared history and meeting real needs is more powerful than the fantasy of an affair in the long run. The fantasy won't be able to stand up for long against the reality of shared history and speaking that love language.

I hope this makes sense.....What I hope to do here is to help wounded spouses slow down and look more at the marriage to determine what needs may need to be met, rather than at the affair as the example. But as always, remember that it doesn't matter how many needs were unmet....responsibility for the affair belongs only to the person who chose to have it.

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"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

posted March 04, 2000 11:00 PM            

Excellent post... as usual.

I agree with you on
"...it is also important not to be drawn into a competition with the op.....a competition that can spiral into something ..."

Isn't the basic premise of the Harley principles that the betrayed is attempting to have their love bank filled by meeting of emotional needs... in favor of having the OP's love bank filled? Is this not a form of competition?

I do understand that you don't want to do tit-for-tat and mimic or copy what the OP is doing... but instead...
by identifying the "languages of love"/"emotional need" which is unique(maybe historical too) between the wayward and betrayed... build a healthier alternative relationship (as compared to that which the wayward has with the OP)!

But it is still a form of competition...
...just the same.

Comments?

posted March 05, 2000 11:30 AM            

nsr
I think I understand what you are saying....and perhaps you can look at it as a compeition of sorts. For many, it is definitely a battle for their marriage. It just seems to me that so many wounded spouses feel they have to meet some standard set by the op in order to "win" back a wayward spouse.....and this is where I fear they get drawn into a dangerous and unhealthy competition. The lines blur so easily.

And I think it is also important to remember that meeting needs is only a part of the puzzle. Unmet needs certainly played a part in the vulnerability to an affair, but meeting them isn't a magic pill to fix what is wrong. Working to meet needs is part of the process, but ultimately the choice still belongs to the unfaithful spouse. They have to accept those needs being met within the marriage and they have to choose to end the affair. And, if they choose not to do those things, it doesn't mean that the wounded spouse was a failure in their efforts to meet the needs.

My husband pointed something out to me yesterday as we were talking about this very subject. He said that the spouse of someone who is actively involved in an affair isn't on a "level playing field" when it comes to meeting the needs of their unfaithful spouse. The op isn't having to deal with the day-to-day issues of the marriage and the kids like the wounded spouse is. All the op has to do is feed the ego of the unfaithful spouse.....thereby appearing to meet their emotional needs. This would probably explain why most affairs burn themselves out over time because once the day-to-day "stuff" of life enters the picture with the op, the fantasy bubble bursts. I think it is probably also why the divorce rate for people who marry an affair partner is so high (I've heard it is over 90%)....the affair didn't really meet the needs and all the problems from the first marriage were carried into the second one.

Let's face it, even in the best marriages, needs go unmet. It is humanly impossible for anyone to meet the needs of their spouse 24/7.....we are going to fail no matter how hard we try. In fact, Gary Smalley makes a great point in his book Making Love Last Forever, that we shouldn't look to our spouse to be the sole source of our happiness and to meet all of our needs....we're going to be disappointed when we do. He says that we must also look within ourselves (and hopefully to our relationship with God) for the long-term happiness that we all seek. This doesn't mean we shouldn't try to meet the needs of our spouse......but we try to meet those needs because we love our spouse, not because we have to or because we are afraid they will leave if we don't. And I think we are better able to meet those needs and to have our own needs met when we are happy within ourselves first.

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"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

posted March 06, 2000 04:38 AM            

well said...

It is a joy reading your posts for insights.
Thanks for coming back and posting ore often.

posted March 06, 2000 12:50 PM            

The OW had no responsibilities and she could play with my H while I carried out the responsibilities at home and filled the basic needs.

My question for you is this:
How long did it take your H to realize these truths? It must be so fabulous to hear him share this kind of thing with you.
I have pretty much lost hope that my H will ever say anything besides "I'm sorry I hurt you, but I didn't do this TO you".
Everything seems still to be separate in his mind and is always followed by "but".

posted March 06, 2000 04:53 PM            

Sounds like your husband might still be doing some rationalizing and justifying. It will be a huge milestone when he can say "I'm sorry" without the "but" attached to it. That sounds to me like he is still avoiding taking total responsibility for his actions. And that is probably fairly normal....unfortunately.

Can you try to communicate to him that the qualifying "but" with his apologies is hurtful to you? I can't remember if you are in counseling or not....this would be a great subject to cover there. A rational third party can often help get the point across.

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"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

posted March 07, 2000 05:35 PM            

Councelling has been a disappointment. Our town is not that large and the available councelors leave something to be desired.

posted April 09, 2000 07:53 AM            

Let me share with you all something that has affected my recent decision to stop fighting for my marriage and start to move toward a different life for myself.

If you have been following my story, some of this will be repetitious, so just bear with me, please. About 9 months or so ago, I became aware of some of the details of the "reputation" of the slug. And the thing that was the most devastating to me was her supposed involvement in Dominance/submission and or Sadism/masochism. This was told to me by a person who was very very good friends with a woman who had once shared an apartment with the slug. I began "studying" the "lifestyle" - trying to figure out whether or not this was an emotional need (or want) that I could fill for my husband. I ACTUALLY was willing to try this, even though it was never a need or desire of my own to pursue!

But ... the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it would never work. It was fascinating to read about, interesting (perhaps) to fantasize about, but it was not something I could do (heck, I can't even talk dirty during sex!). If I had tried this, it would simply have been to compete with the slug in an attempt to get my husband back. If I had tried it, I would have been compromising myself, doing something that was unnatural for me in a desperate try to "win" my husband away from the OW.

It took me months of this to understand (on my own - not exactly a topic that one can share with friends and family) that if I had succeeded in getting my husband back by meeting this need for him, the marriage would have still failed in the end because I would never have been able to continue to meet that kind of "need" on a permanent basis. There is a line I had to draw. More sex? More game playing during sex? Yes ... but this type of thing tends to be a bigger need than one Saturday night a month ... it tends to be a need that must be met regularly - weekly, daily ...

I know that I could not do that. I had taken on the burden of willingness to try, and deep down I knew that it would never work. I can't tell you how relieved I am that I realized this NOW.

My point in sharing this is that meeting the needs of your spouse should be able to be done in a way that you can live with - don't compete - it isn't a game. It's real - it's life - and the choices we make here are choices we must live with for the rest of our lives.

posted April 09, 2000 04:31 PM            

I think your realization about meeting needs versus wants is really important. For most of us, meeting some of the needs of our spouse will require some effort or even some changes in habit. But I don't believe truly meeting needs should ever put you in a situation of compromising who you are and what you believe in or require you to do anything that belittles you or puts you in danger.

Take care Terri.....

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"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31