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 Marriage Builders Discussion Forums
 In recovery
 Things my husband did to rebuild trust (Page 1)
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| Author | Topic: Things my husband did to rebuild trust |
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HGBrawner Member |
posted March 17, 2000 03:06 PM
  
This is in answer to LadyK and JDA's recent post...but hopefully it will make some difference to others as well. Let me first say that some of these things were done at my request and others on my husband's own initiative. But the key to it all working was his complete willingness to become an open book to me....a deep desire to win back the trust he had broken. Let me also say that a great deal of his desire to do that came from his own brokenness over what he had done. He saw with wide-open eyes the hurt he had caused me, the hurt he had caused our children, and the stupidity of his relationship with the ow. Sadly, he had become convinced that they were "just friends".....that as long as there was no sexual contact, it wasn't an affair. That was a belief that the ow held very strongly and I believe she was instrumental in helping to convince him of that. It took a couple of days for him to see that there was no real friendship there....it might have initially begun as just a friendship, but it crossed the line when the secret emailing and meetings began and when the emailing took on a sexual nature. And sadly, that did lead to two sexual encounters...but I take solace in the fact that they both happened in a one week time frame and that he told her the next week that he wouldn't do that any more. Unfortunately, her response was "but we can still see each other...." and the emailing continued. Anyway....it's been two years, so I may not remember everything at first, but I'll add as I remember. 1. I was very specific that there could be absolutely no contact between my husband the ow at all. With me watching, he sent her an email telling her that he wanted no further contact with her of any kind and that he was totally committed to me and our marriage. 2. I asked him to tell me if she made contact with him in any form and he agreed. She did call him at work two days after the confrontation. He initially was so terrified of what I would do that he told her he didn't want me to know, but then hung up the phone and called me immediately. [She was supposedly checking to see if we (read that "he") were alright, but I'm sure she was checking to see if he would respond to her.] The terror in his voice when he called me was so strong I could almost feeling him shaking through the phone.....that brought out my protective maternal instincts and rather than react angrily, I was kind and loving and told him he had done the right thing. 3. My husband was about 10 minutes late getting him from work the first day after the revelation. I happened to be out and called home to see if he was there and panicked when he wasn't. He had merely gotten caught in traffic, but I was terrified he was a the ow's house. He apologized profusely and from that moment on he started a habit of calling me if he was going to be even 5 minutes late. Other than being apart for work, we did everything else together....errands, grocery shopping, putting gas in the car...everything. He didn't have time to make contact with the ow, except from work, and with his other behavior, I was pretty certain he wouldn't from there either. The staying in touch habit is there even today....not to quite the extreme as it as in the beginning, but it is there. Also note...my husband was terrified for many weeks that I would change my mind about our marriage and leave him. I also became an open book to him....I didn't go anywhere without him, I quit all my outside activities to spend time only with him, and I let him know if I was going to be late if I was out without him. Thank God we were blessed with two great teenagers....we practically ignored them for several months...but I believe they saw the work we were doing and have learned a valuable lesson about marriage from our efforts. 4. He gave me his email password...in fact we share the same password to this day. There is no need for spouses to have private email accounts....there should be nothing that is in an email that one spouse or the other couldn't read. Having private emails isn't showing trust...at least in my opinion...it is an open door to trouble. 5. I had total freedom to ask him anything and talk to him about all my emotions and fears. This caused him great pain and he didn't "want" to do it....he preferred just trying to forget it ever happened. But he knew that attacking it, dissecting it, and burying it were the only ways to complete healing. This took great courage and integrity on his part....I wasn't fun to be with at times. This is kind of long.....hope it offers some concrete ideas for you, JDA. As I said, if you are sincere about wanting to save your marriage, I believe the key is in your hands. Your wife wants to heal, I believe that....but you are the answer to that equation. You've got to get brutally honest with yourself and give up to God.....He isn't going to be easy on you either. He isn't going to "rain fire and brimstone" on you, but you will feel like that sometimes.....He is going to allow you to experience whatever deems necessary to rebuild you and your marriage. Remember that to get us where He wants us to be, God must sometimes take us through the valley, rather than around it as we might wish. ------------------ [This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited March 17, 2000).] [This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited March 17, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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HGBrawner Member |
posted March 17, 2000 03:29 PM
Ooops...thought of something else (us "old" ladies do that you know  )There were a few times in the beginning when during talks about the affair, my husband would get defensive about his actions...or when the old rationalizations and justifications would creep in. You know "I know it was wrong, BUT I didn't think you loved me any more." He learned very quickly that the qualifying "but" in the sentence was not getting us anywhere. He learned that a real apology isn't followed by "but you....". Now, we did have to discuss what he was feeling and where his head was regarding our marriage. Those were very real issues and problems....I had my own set that we had to deal with. But we learned that the discussions about what went on in the affair had to be separated as much as possible from the discussions about the marriage. Yes, the condition of the marriage had an impact on the affair, but they needed to be addressed with or without the affair. Tying too closely together only keeps the wounded spouse in an angry state. For the unfaithful spouse who has reached brokenness....my husband got there very quickly mind you, more quickly than most.... I'll tell you the story of the beginning of our miracle.... Anyway, when I said that to him, he got out of his chair and come to where I was sitting. He got down on his knees in front of me and took my hands in his. He began to cry and told me how very sorry he was and that he hoped I could forgive him some day. I began to sob too and we held each other while we cried. I could feel his sorrow and his own pain just as much as he could mine. Now we didn't have a magical, fairy-tale ending at that moment. God had lots for us to learn and we went through hours and hours of painful talks over the next several months. But that beginning and his actions over those months were the glue that held us together. Please don't anyone judge your own success by our timeline.....we have moved incredibly fast here....it usually takes longer to reach the milestones we have reached. But I hope this offers hope for the future....that God wants to heal a marriage and will if both partners will give Him all the pieces. Sorry...another long one....hope it helps. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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chick's Member |
posted March 17, 2000 04:21 PM
HG, I have to say I agree with most of your revelations to trust building. My H did much of the same things you have noted and I believe that we wouldn't be together today if it hadn't been for this! Anyhow, I do have a bit more to add (since when do I keep my mouth shut?  ) The other things that added to trust was his openly wanting to be as honest as possible to all questions, even if it hurt, I knew then that he was telling the truth in all things. He openly told me of the guilt he felt every time I asked a question and I always told him that my questions won't come forever, just until in my mind I know what I need to know to get past this. I was also considerate enough to take the time to look at the question on my mind, examine the content, and listen to the tone and mood. Was this something I NEEDED to know, or something that wouldn't help, the betrayed has to be responsible for this. I know you've been here a bit more, just wanted to give my few tips and let you know I'm glad you started this thread, it's important! Bless You! ------------------ You won't see things until your ready to not be blind! IP: Logged |
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HGBrawner Member |
posted March 17, 2000 05:38 PM
Bren Thanks for the input! I had the same experience with my husband....he answered the questions even when the question hurt him and the answer hurt me. His willingness to be honest even when it hurt, was a big part of rebuilding trust. I wasn't always careful about thinking through what I wanted to know and many times I asked the same questions in just slightly different ways. This would most probably qualify under the Harley plans as a big LB, but in our case his courage to face that and work through it with me, helped to rebuild trust. Even though it worked out well for us, my caution to those asking the questions and those answering would be to do as you did and try to think through what you want to know. Specific details are important to recovery, in my opinion. These would be dates, times, etc.....be careful on asking for the sexual details though and prepare yourself for those answers. The questions that get us all into trouble are the subjective ones....what were you thinking when you...how did you feel when you....etc. The emotions and thought processes of a person having an affair are not rational and memories of thoughts and emotions get faded and confused over time. And one of the biggest frustrations for both parties tends to be the "I don't know" answer. I had to learn that he truly didn't know and didn't remember some things. As I processed through it all, I realized that this was actually a positive in the long run. It obviously didn't mean too much to him when he couldn't remember a lot of the specifics. I was even amazed at how dumstruck he was to reread the emails he had sent her that were left on the computer. He truly didn't realize the content and impact until he read them through my eyes. He wrote what made him feel good....not things that had real meaning to her. This is where I think email can be a dangerous tool if it is hidden from the spouse. I have to take off...have a house full of teenage boys arriving as I write for DiscipleNow weekend from our church. I'll check in and write more. I hope this thread turns out to be a good list of positive suggestions for rebuilding trust! ------------------ IP: Logged |
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BrokenButNotCrushed Member |
posted March 17, 2000 05:45 PM
Dear HGBrawner, Great post! To me a key factor in our successful recoveries was the brokenness you mentioned. JDA, I truly hope that you are there. If you're not there yet, please be honest with Lady K. Her love for you is strong enough to fight by your side, but only if you are completely honest with her from this point forward. I'll stop there. Listen to what HG said. It's right on target. BrokenButNotCrushed IP: Logged |
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NSR Member |
posted March 18, 2000 08:06 AM
HGBrawner, I know sometimes being humble and having humility is in someones nature... but your posts are so inspirational! If you can get beyond your humility and send me an e-mail at imherczeg@yahoo.com ... or post to Recommendations for Notable Posts/Threads whenever you have an inspirational post or reply. Please don't be shy... your words are so important to so many... see The gift... "This" post... I will add to the Notable Posts/Threads! I'm honor of your wisdom... Jim IP: Logged |
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HGBrawner Member |
posted March 18, 2000 12:38 PM
BBNC I agree on the brokenness issue. And that is what seems to be a serious sticking point for so many couples. The wounded spouse needs to see that brokenness and the unfaithful spouse needs to reach it for true healing and restoration to take place. How does brokenness come, then? I think it may come in different ways for different couples. For us, I believe it was my total hysteria and anger at the revelation of the affair. I screamed and I cried....I fell to the floor in agony....I also slapped my husband and hit him in the chest with my fist. I also turned with the intent of hitting the ow, but could not move my arms....the felt heavy and frozen. I know that some day God will reveal to me that His angels were there preventing me from hitting her. Was my behavior right? Maybe not....but I know that my husband has told me more than once that my behavior is what told him that I did love him after all. He had the scales removed from his eyes regarding the relationship and his horror was very evident. Hear me now.....I'm not advocating violence at all. But I am saying that my expression of my deep pain and anger was part of my husband being broken in his sin. God was already working in his life in a very powerful way.....he was feeling terrible guilt over what he was doing, but was unable to stop because of the ego rush it gave him. He had stood before our church the night before the revelation of the affair and cried, saying he knew he wasn't where God wanted him to be and asking for prayer. God answered those prayers in a clear and decisive way. My suggestion to wounded spouses is to love your unfaithful spouse with all your heart and let them know of your desire and determination to restore the marriage. But don't stand in the way of God bringing them to brokenness..... ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Alcoholic's Wife Member |
posted March 18, 2000 02:49 PM
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I have had a major struggle with trusting my husband. He is not doing the things that your husband did. He just wants to forget all of it and me never mention it again. Says it makes him feel bad if I mention to him that I think we need to talk about it. Then he gets angry at me for telling him I feel like I need to talk to him about it. (We have been back together 6 months now)
quote: Now I feel like we're doomed. My H does not show brokenness; he has apologized for what he did. He doesn't show remorse. Actually he doesn't show much emotion at all, except for anger. He does say "I love you" to me, and I believe he does, he just has a real problem showing his feelings. In 17 years I have only seen him cry twice. Once at his close friend's funeral, and when he left us 4 years ago. Otherwise, he's pretty much cold-hearted. Another thing that I think has fueled H's desire not to bring up his affair is that my pastor told us in counseling that I had to forgive him (I have) and never bring it up again, and that from that point forward I had to trust my H until he proved me otherwise. I have all these unanswered questions in my mind, and have no way to ever get this resolved. Very frustrating. I do pray a lot for my husband, my marriage, and for the Lord to keep changing me into the kind of wife my H will be proud of. So, should I try to talk to him about it, or just keep trying to get it out of my mind? Thanks again for posting this. Even though it made me cry, I'm glad to see what should happen when you're trying to recover. IP: Logged |
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David11 Member |
posted March 18, 2000 03:00 PM
HGB, For some reason this post really touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I thought I was done with crying but the tears flowed freely. Your words just feel as if they were written for me. I am at the stage where I am being honest and open with my wife but she refuses to discuss her affairs or her current feelings for others anymore, to the point where I am afraid to mention it for fear of an argument breaking out. It feels like we have progressed down the road of recovery but now have a flat tire and no tools to repair it. I have seen some of your other posts and will try to get a copy of 'Torn Assunder'. I really don't know what to do any more to complete the healing process. While she has this 'block' I feel unable to truly forgive her and love her in the way which I really want to and need to to make our marriage blossom once again. I suspect that this is because I am afraid. Afraid that because she won't talk about the things that matter to me that I am not 'secure' and that if things turn worse between us that she will be gone. Afraid of being hurt again. I never want to hurt again like I have been during the last couple of years. Thanks HGB for your wonderfull words of support. [This message has been edited by David11 (edited March 18, 2000).] [This message has been edited by David11 (edited March 18, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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HGBrawner Member |
posted March 18, 2000 08:44 PM
Alchoholic's Wife The purpose of the post wasn't to make you feel that your marriage is doomed....I'm so sorry that you took that from it. I'm sure....at least I hope...that your pastor meant that when you forgive your husband, you commit not to use the offsense as a weapon against him. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't address the issues that existed in your marriage prior to the affair or even the affair itself. Remember that every pastor isn't trained or gifted as a marriage counselor.....you definitely need someone who is qualified in marriage and family therapy, as well as being a Christian. From what little I know about your situation, I imagine that there are other issues in your husband's life and in your marriage that have caused or are causing difficulties. Are you in counseling?....either as a couple or as an individual? Please go or continue to go for counseling.....it is so essential to the healing that you seek. Again, please don't measure your situation by mine.....glean pieces of information that might be helpful to you, but remember that each situation and each couple are individual and must progress and process accordingly. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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David11 Member |
posted March 18, 2000 11:17 PM
My wife checked the history file.... and read my post. She went upstairs to be on her own for a while. She said she didn't realise I was still at this stage. I don't think she realises the emotions I am still experiencing.... I made us a nice meal tonight and we watched a film but no mention of anything else. I had got her a nice card in which I wrote 'I Love You' while I was out and before I knew she had read the message. At least she now knows what I am thinking about without me having to bring it up in conversation and worry about the consequences. And she knows I Love her. I am worried that she found my post disturbing/distressing and so I kept my thoughts to myself. The film was a comedy and it made me laugh. Laughing made me feel really good inside. I have decided that laughing is good for the soul!!! Thanks for listening guys.... [This message has been edited by David11 (edited March 18, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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MoreThan Alcoholic's Wife Member |
posted March 19, 2000 07:40 AM
Thanks HGB for your reply. The only counseling we've been to is with my Pastor. I have mentioned it to my H several times that I think we need to go to a marriage counselor, but he doesn't think we need to. He thinks things are just fine (I'm in Plan A), and he says that we should be able to solve our problems on our own. I had been going to a psychologist, she basically told me I was depressed, and that my marriage was doomed unless my H stopped drinking and made a complete change in his life. The Pastor's words to me were "you must forget the past and never bring it up again. Your marriage won't heal if you dwell on the past". He emphasized MUST. I just don't feel like anything's been resolved, because we don't discuss it. Since my bringing it up is a major LB for my H, I get very frustrated, but can't show it because he will get angry and tell me that "the pastor said you aren't supposed to bring that up". I feel like my H has NO IDEA of the pain and immense heartache his affair has caused me, since he has never had this happen to him. I guess I'm just a little, well a lot, leary about the future of my marriage. Yes, there are lots more problems in our marriage other than his infidelity. H is a longtime alcoholic (drinker since his early teens - he's 42 now) and that is the root of our problems. I'm a Christian, don't drink, and don't go to bars, etc. Sometimes I wonder why my H married me, but then I remember that God has a plan. I mostly post on the Women's Bible Study forum. I've attached a link to my testimony if you would like more info. on our situation. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum25/HTML/000243.html I spend a lot of time in prayer about this. It helps me feel better. The power of prayer never ceases to amaze me. IP: Logged |
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chick's Member |
posted March 19, 2000 10:05 AM
HG~WOW! It's so weird but the night of confrontation and revealing the affair I slapped my H and hit him in the chest as well, broke some dishes, called up the OW and asked her for the truth and got a hesitant answer but one good enough that I made it work for me to make him tell me more and then went into a rage like I had NEVER done before. I remember screaming at him that he will stop this and make an HONEST effort, as I was doing, for the good of his kids and the I DESERVED BETTER TREATMENT THAN THIS, AFTER ALL I HAD DONE FOR HIM. (Put him through law school, quit an excellent management position, went practically broke to get him into what HE wanted, and was treated like a "secretary" for 2 years instead of a wife, and threw all my own dreams into the wind for his) It was a rage like I had never experienced before and I felt guilty for months afterwards because I did some major lbing and I also "used" the kids to get him to think straight. But then you said something earlier, that you feel that God was working through you. I never listened to that little part of my conscience before, and now I feel even more relieved than before. I had hated that I used all those efforts I had done in love to help him succeed and narrowed them down into a hateful mass of BS Blackmail. Now I know, it wasn't me, it was me standing up for me in a way I had never done before and God telling him his place through me. WOW! I know what you mean about the questions thing too. I had put alot of questions on the backburner because I had decided that they would be too hurtful for us to go through. It took me awhile but about 3 weeks ago (I remember posting about this one!) I had a night where I sat down with him and got some of those awful questions out on the table and got the information that I really needed to have to let go of it. It was wonderful, tense and alot of hard work for both of us! But it was better that I had thought through those things and come to my own conclusions and figured out where I was on my own! I also know what you mean about the "I don't know" answer. It took me awhile to understand that he truly didn't know the answer to some of those fragile questions that we as women would concentrate on. I think it was more of a "Man" thing. But anyhow, the fact that he was as truthful as he could be, even when the truth hurt, that told me that he truly didn't know or that he didn't even think about that side of the emotions that I would have! Hope your weekend is going better than mine, I've been too busy to think! God Bless! ------------------ You won't see things until your ready to not be blind! IP: Logged |
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jungle_princess Member |
posted March 19, 2000 10:48 AM
Thank you so much for starting this thread! I was trying to stay away from this board because I thought it was making me depressed. But after being gone for over a week, I'm angrier than ever, and I seem to be stuck there! I truely believe you were led by God to post this. Keep listening to Him! I'm encouraging my H to read this. Lately I've been gripped by such intense anger, and yet thought that showing any of it would cause me to LB, so I've just been "stuffing" all of it, my emotions as well as "my face", but this weekend put me over the top. We just came back from a weekend trip, the weekend of our wedding anniversary. I found myself obsessing over what happened in our past, and what he may have done with the OW. How did she touch him, did they shower together, did she let him do oral sex on her and visa-versa, etc. He is not willing to talk about any details, and goes on as if "we know what to do now to have a happy marriage, so let's move on already!" And I am so stuck with this anger and fear. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk to him. In fact, I've stopped talking all together, except to thank him for a "nice weekend". Please pray for me. [This message has been edited by jungle_princess (edited March 20, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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HGBrawner Member |
posted March 19, 2000 11:08 AM
David11 Some food for thought regarding forgiveness..... Forgiveness is a choice we make, not a feeling or emotion. We can't base our forgiveness on the actions of the person we are forgiving either. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, not the person whom we choose to forgive. As hard as it may seem, a wounded spouse must forgive an unfaithful spouse even if the unfaithful spouse never changes their behavior and leaves the marriage. To not forgive allows anger and bitterness to remain in your heart and control your life. I understand to a degree your feelings of frustration with your wife's block. But is is possible that some of her being blocked about being able to talk about the affair with you is because she doesn't feel the safety in the marriage that your forgiveness would help create? I honestly believe that a sincere choice to forgive helps most of the unfaithful spouses along the road to honesty and restoration. For some it doesn't, but that is their own problem, not the problem of the one who forgives. Am I making sense here? Alchoholic's Wife, Forgiveness doesn't take away the damage that was done or relieve the offender of the consequences of their behavior. And one of the consequences for an unfaithful spouse is working to heal the hurt they caused their spouse. They can't ever make it up, but they can help to treat the wound so that the scars are minimal. There is a great little book called Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts we Don't Deserve by Lewis Smedes. It deals with this very issue and in a way that is easy to read and understand....I highly recommend it. I'm truly sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. But as you know, God is capable of taking the worst situation and turning it around. If you trust Him and do all that you believe He wants you to do, and your marriage doesn't survive, you will still win in the long run. To love God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind is the goal. To allow Him to guide your decisions and actions is th result of that love. Focus on Him and seek personal healing....I stand by my suggestion that you seek Chrisitian counseling alone. Regardless of what the final outcome of your marriage is, you can be healed and live a happy, complete life. Bren, I believe it was more the whole situation of the timing and place that it happened. I believe the people who were present were all part of His plan. I was in a pretty spiritually strong place at that time and my husband was very low.....I believe God knew that I was strong enough to handle it and my husband was weak enough to surrender to Him. We still had the free will to mess it all up with wrong decisions, but thankfully we didn't. I have apologized to my husband for hitting him that night and he forgave me. But as I said, he told me that the intensity of my pain and anger showed him once and for all that I did love him, so I can't regret that it happened. If I had been cold and calm, I hate to think where we might have gone. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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