posted April 17, 2000 10:21 AM            

What struck me so far in this book is the fact that 1) it's christian based and 2) it doesn't sugar coat anything.

Far too many couples try to heal themselves (us included) and are afraid to admit it's happened (or is happening) to them. I think we all would be surprised at how many of our friends and family have gone through this. Outside intervention needs to be a part of the healing and rebuilding.

A very important point made in this book is that if this is not resolved and fully dealt with now, it will only fester and add to future marital bliss. Even if you split and divorse over this, it will come to light again in future relationships. It needs to be addressed and resolved!

Thank you, HGBrawner, for all the wonderful reviews you've given this book. It is one I will always recommend.

I've also ordered "Surviving An Affair" and "Love Busting" from this site. I can't wait to get them.

If you haven't read this book, please borrow it from the library or buy it. If you are unfortunately going through this, it's a great investment (I really didn't want to purchase a book on this subject and the libraries don't carry it).

posted April 17, 2000 08:39 PM            

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"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

posted April 18, 2000 11:24 AM            

I've missed your posts. I've moved back to the just found out board. I posted a lengthy thread over there this morning called Old Unresolved Issues. If you get a chance and can get there to read and add some wonderful insights it would be greatly appreciated.

posted April 25, 2000 05:19 PM            

Since stocking my "personal reference library" I really haven't gotten into any of the books. Has anyone else experienced an overload on all this? I took a break from them and started reading a James Patterson novel to take my mind off all this betrayel crap.

For the most part I'm feeling pretty good about my marriage and my H. I have had a couple major triggers the last 24 hours and I think that's why I'm posting again. I had even felt over loaded from the board (not the people, just the subject).

We just got on-line at home and I think this scares me greatly. My H and I are registered on yahoo so we can play chess on-line. I mainly wanted to play against my H during our lunch hour, but he's been playing quite a bit without me. Our boys were logged in as him over the week-end and "he" received an instant message from a woman in another state who he had played weeks ago. She said she thought he was sexy, blah, blah, blah. The boys were stunned and came running to get us.

My H said she was a little obnoxious during their game, but he remained focused on the game. He said he hadn't played her since and I did check that out (he was truthful). I responded to the IM saying I was his wife and to refrain IMing his screen name again. He saw what I typed to her and he thought we handled it appropriately (I keep asking if he hears from her and he says no).

The next night he and I were on under his name and she IMd to apologize. She used his first name and I've been obsessing about how personal the conversation went during the game if she knew his name.

I'm very nervous about all this on-line stuff even though I'm glad we have access at home now.

I hope this lady was just IMing anyone who would chat with and not because they have exchanged photos and e-mail addresses, etc. It's hard to trust him after what he's done to me.

Thank you for "listening".

posted April 26, 2000 08:32 AM            

Have you and your husband discussed the "Policy of Joint Agreement?" It's a key component of recovery (assuming that both spouses are on board. It states that you don't do anything without a "mutually enthusiastic agreement" between the two of you.

It sounds like your husband's on-line activities are an issue. You ought to try to discuss it with him, and brainstorm to come up with a "win-win" solution. You need to come up with a "plan" for him to regain your trust by exhibiting the proper behaviors. And I'm not looking to send you back to the bookstore, but Harley's book "Give and Take" focuses a lot on the POJA and how to negotiate successfully. It also has brief(er) sections on Lovebusters and Emotional Needs, so for people in recovery, I like to recommend this book as the first one they read.

Surviving an Affair is best for strategies during an affair, how to cope, and what motivates people to have affairs.

posted April 26, 2000 08:49 AM            

I too have quite a library (and growing) of books including Torn Asunder. I'm reading books about relationships, parenting, personal growth, spirituality with a little Bible and ZEN thrown in every now and then. I too get "burned out" because it's too much to absorb in such a short time. However, my insomnia gives me plently of time to read and reflect. I find myself diving into one or more of them when I have a bad "episode" (depression, anger, etc.). Otherwise, I have put myself on a schedule, working a chapter or two in one book at a time. For me, it helps me focus on the material better and improves my comprehension and atitude a bit. My wife and I will soon spearate for the summer. Looks like I'll have plenty of time to "catch up" on my reading.

posted April 26, 2000 12:06 PM            

Thank you for the replies.

K: I'm hoping the issue of my H's on-line time is more of me being insecure. I do think we need to discuss how we handle on-line time. I know he's on-line a lot at work, but didn't think too much of it until I see how much he gets on at home. Maybe the novalty of it will wear off after a while, it's new to us at home.

Gonnatry: I'm sorry to hear you'll be separating from your wife. I pray things work out for both of you!