posted June 26, 2000 01:14 AM            

Well today is the day

Many of you won't remember me. I have been away from the forum for a while for various reasons. Mostly because I was spending so much time in here, and leaving some of my work behing that it began accumulating.

THe fact that my H is now back working in the day time and we are spending our nights together as opposed to one at work and the other in the computer has something to do with it as well. Before since he wasn't home at night, I used that time to log in and be part of the MB family. Now it's a bit more difficult, since when I'm home my H is as well, and we do enjoy to spend time together even if it's only watching tv or doing crosswords sitting side by side.

But this was not what I wanted to tell you.

I wanted to talk about the second year.

You see, two years ago the affair had just started ( well it started at the beginning of June) and had just been discovered ( I discovered it the same week it started).

The first days after discovery I was in shock. Not even in pain, just in shock. THings had gone from being fine ( at least apparently) in one day, to unbearable four days later.

To top it off, I had been sick prior to that, and taking medication that came along with many side effects. WHen the affair happened, I had just finished the last of the medication and was kind of waking up to the world again. Everything seemed great again and I was feeling great and full of energy. All trough the time I had been sick, my H seemed to be supportive , in his own way, and I had no idea that he didn't really understood what had happened.

ALl I knew was that there I was, saying goodbye to him on June first while he was going to this games from work , and he was caring, passionate and loving. And on the fourth a different person came back home.

One that was apatic at home, didn't talk, didn't show any interest in anything, couldn't find the time to talk to his children and that when going to bed at night would try so hard to avoid me that I wondered how he wasn't falling off the bed.
One that started coming home much later and stay in the living room watching tv untill I was asleep before coming to bed ( which was very strange and quite different from what things used to be before)

I remember how his pager used to go off at all times and how he would always go out ( obviously to answer) and how different he would be after those pagings.
Of course things so out of the norm made me wonder what was going on, but I felt so confident of our relationship that the possibility of another woman didn't really register at the beginning.
When I first sat down with him to talk, I had no idea of what was coming. I thought he was finaly showing the effects of too much work, no rest and no recreation. I was feeling it for years. Ever since after he was laid off not once but twice, both right after each of our kids was born. Ever since my job was cut, and we were dealing with less than one third of the money we were making when we bought our house. I expected to hear him say that he was depressed and having trouble coping with all our financial problems.In need of some rest... something.

Instead I got the famous " I don't love you anymore, I'm not sure I ever did, I want out of this marriage". The ones that know me know well how difficult it is for me not to have words to express myself, but I couldn't find any that time.
Then when I recovered a bit and tryed to figure out what was wrong, told him that whatever it was after15 years of marriage we could probably fix it, and suggested counseling I got the" NO, it can't be fixed. Not because it's impossible but because I dont' want to" I couldn't bellieve what I was hearing. This was not my H. The man I had been with for the most part of 20 years, married for 15, the man I knew had been replaced by someone hard, detached and very uncaring. I also got the"I couldn't care less about how you're feeling" and the " I'm leaving and nothing will change my mind"

Five awfull months followed. The affair becoming more intense in the first 2 months. His resolve to leave being maintained and the hopes that things could be solved looking so minimal that many times I thought about giving up.

His suitcase was packed and in the car for about a month. Nothing I did was right even if it was right. Everything she did was perfect even if it was wrong.

Although in my dreams the outcome would be something like what we have now, I couldn't see how that could happen. I had no idea that there was an MB forum, and even though I followed mostly what is now plan A, I had no help with it. I had to do things by trial and error. Find what worked best, and be flexible enought to change what wasn't working that well.

When I finally found this forum recovery was on the way. He had changed his mind by the fith month, and was willing to help with the rebuilding, although in the beginning, what he felt was helping out didn't really feel like it. He was still defensive and would not open up about what had happened.He refused to fill out any of the questionaires specially the emotional needs one, which I really wanted him to do with me. And he was still receiving her calls. He told me once that he wouldn't call her, but if she called he would answer. I had two choices. Either refuse and most probably loose ( trust me on this one, I do know him ) , or work with the fact that he was home and I had a chance to work from the "inside". I choose to let it pass, making sure he knew I didn't approve. By then she was feeling threatned and paging him as much as 28 times per day. Knowing him, I waited until he was really fed up with her insistence. I let her do all the work in terms of geting him so upset with her calls that he would really want it to end. For real.
It doesn't work in all the cases, it worked with us because I knew him well enough to know what ticks him off. She didn't have that insight.

they were still working in the same place which made it a bit more difficult, but not impossible.

I did my best to avoid any remarks - even deserved - about her which is something I know I doesn't like, and let her lovebust by calling and saying that I was calling her and harrassing her, specially when she was giving times where we had been together and he knew for a fact that I hadn't made any calls. I continued plan A as if there were no doubts that it would work and I made sure that I worked on myself, for myself in the first place.

AS recovery really started and withdrawl was over, things became a bit easier, but not without problems.

ON my side too, there were many things making recovery difficult. Lack of trust was the major issue. Specially when he was working nights, with a chance to stop and "visit " her at any time.

It was interesting to realise that when the first "anniversary" came, I forgot all about it. We went camping on that weekend, and although I had though about it before, it never came to mind on the day. We were having a great time, our marrriage was getting stronger day by day, and I guess my brain "censured" any bad memories, which was just fine because I was able to enjoy the camping trip much more.

I had dreaded that date, and I forgot all about it ! That told me things really were getting better. Oh yes... insecurity was still there in a way, trust was not completely there yet - or at least I hadn't noticed it - and there was still a lot to work on, but we were getting there.

This year, the second "anniversary" passed once more without me remembering about it.

This doesn't mean that I forgot what happened. I don't think I ever will, and that is really o.k. It's important to remember what can happen, so we dont' forget to make our relationship work smoothly everyday.Plan A is a plan for life for us now. We intend to make sure that it will never happen again. Time no matter how little is saved for us to do things together, and communication remains a very important thing with us.

But the painful memories are fading as time passed and we are creating better memories together.
He has now trouble understanding what happened at that time but he's doing his best to help erase any negative memories that might still come up here and there.

We both feel that our relationship is in a much better shape than before, and are confident enought to talk right away if we fell something is not working well.

I don't know how much this will help, but I wanted to share with you the fact that things can get better, and we don't have to leave with the pain for the rest of our lives.

Better stop here, it's getting late.

Hugs to all, and never lose hope.The smallest positive thing shoudl help us continue on the path we choose and as more and more positive things happened we will be able to get to the next step.

Again, hugs to all
Take care
Kat

------------------
Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

posted June 26, 2000 09:43 AM            

I wish you the best.

posted June 26, 2000 12:17 PM            

so glad things are still going well!

same here,

see my other post...

have a great summer!

posted June 26, 2000 04:58 PM            

It is true that time helps. That the second year will be better than the first, and the third better than the second and so on. SOmetimes it takes a bit longer than others, but hopefully we will all get there.

Nomoreu, trust will certainly come back if a bit different than before. I can say that I'm back to the point where I completely trust my H, although it's no the same naive, eyes closed trust I had before.
This new trust reminds me of what can happen if we don't work on it. Which is good, because if there ever was an instructions manual for marriage it would tell us right in the first paragraph that like in anything else in life, relationships have to be worked on to survive.
This new trust reminds me that just because we're married, we don't suddenly become blind, we don't suddenly loose the ability to appreciate and even fell attracted to other people, specially if we're not feeling too hot in our own relationship. Which is also good, and completely normal although painful. The good part is that by knowing how it works we can prevent it.
And this new trust reminds me that many people have completely different values ( or none ) and will have no problems to try and start a relationsip with our spouse. I guess it doesn't sound too good, but then again if I feel confident that I'm fulfilling H's needs, and he is fulfilling mine. If we are able to tell each other when something doesn't feel right, or what is creating a problem, than this outside people will not have that much chance to get between us.

SO yes I do trust. My H still has many friends, both male and female, and I have no problem whatsoever with that. The difference now is that they are friends of the couple, not only of one spouse. ANd again , I've learned that many times a friend will be the ow or om, but if the marriage is strong and plan A is being followed, there aren't that many chance for that to happen anymore.

Lor, I'm glad there seems to be a turn around. Remember sometimes it takes longer than others, but the time it takes is secondary. What we can do and work in our relationship is what counts. It's like the quality instead of quantity thing

mthrrhbard, I'm happy it helped you. To some of us, things did work out quite well, after looking like there was no chance at all of recovery. SOmetimes we just need a bit of patience ( difficult I know ) and a continuous plan adapted to our reality.

Hey liz how are ya? Glad to know that things are still going fine.

I will come back later and read your post tonight. I have to go back to school because it's graduation night and I need to be there for the diplomas and the big smile for all the graduates.

Be back later
Hugs, and more hugs
Kat

posted June 26, 2000 08:17 PM            

Glad you got around to this, and yes, I'm still getting around to e-mails!!

Luv ya, Kat!

posted June 26, 2000 10:29 PM            

Thanks so much for that post. I was just trying to figure out how the days are supposed to get easier and when the level of trust returns. It's only been 2 weeks since d-day and every time I turn on the radio it's some stupid song about an affair. It's sickening.

Thanks for the encouragement! P.S - how did it become easier for you?

posted June 29, 2000 06:18 PM            

Thank you so much! I've only been here for 2 days, and it is inspiring to know that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel for this kind of thing. This is SO therapeutic, small towns don't offer much of a support system for this sort of thing. Your story helps a lot! Best of luck!

posted June 29, 2000 07:32 PM            

I resonded to "He doesn't want to talk about it" basically telling all the stuff I've done to get through this first year. Didn't really alleviate any of my anger, but I did expend that negative energy on constructive things.

For me though, stuff still comes up, and sometimes I need answers to some questions that are bugging me. But I'd rather get them out in the open rather than internalize and aggravate my ulcers.
H has realized that his quick little trip around the park has turned out to be anything but. He still feels guilt and regret over what he's done. He said he thought that would go away quickly, but now he realizes that it will be around in some way, shape or form for the rest of his life.

posted June 29, 2000 08:12 PM            

wassy I do feel so special sometimes. Being blessed with a second chance, seing the kids get their confidence back and not being afraid if dad is late from work, and having a H that was able to face whatever demons and is doing is best to "redeem" himself.

Actually, I feel we all in this board are so special! All trying to do the right thing, following their values and trying hard. You can't find this much people trying hard to become better themselves and to work on something as important as a relationship.

Lori, my dear friend twin LOL we are always living in paralel lines. When one gets aroung to write, the other one has no time even to look at the computer LOL.
But hey, tomorrow is the last day. Nothing much to do since I got my new room ready at the beginning of the week - even though who knows if I'm going back or not - but I still have to go at least in the morning for the "special farewell breakfast" and to let the principal see me. AFter she sees me I can quietly leave and start the summer

Carolina, I'm glad it helped. That's why I continue posting after so long. I just wish I had this board to come to when it happened to me.

tendervitles, I'm glad to "see" you. I feel that it's not exactly the time since it happened that makes a difference, it's how we've grown since it happened, and how we're doing in terms of letting go of the affair.
It took me a while to get this one. We were in recovery but things kept coming . My H, didn't feel confortable talking about it. At first being defensive - because he was still in withdrawl and still feeling justified in what he had done - then because talking about it hurt him, showed him he could do things he never believed he could. AS for me, all I wanted was to talk, I had questions, and comments, and more questions...
And even when I wasn't thinking about it, something would come up - those darned triggers! - and it would be all over my mind.

He was trying hard, but I wasn't really benefitting from that because I was letting what had happened get in the way. Until I sat down and had a serious talk to myself

my friend I said to myself, you are feeling miserable because you want to. Actually you are keeping that affair alive in your mind even though it ended already so long ago and your H is not even thinking about it anymore. Now what do you want from you future? To let " the little angel lady" ruin your marriage even when she's out of the picture already, or do you want to take control of this thing?

Did this converstion turn eveything around? Not really, but it made me think some more, at the same time that time was passing and helping with the healing. When he finally got around to read the little book where I wrote all my questions that needed an answer from me, I realised that most of them were not that important anymore. That was a revelation in itself. I picked a pencil and started crossing question after question that for so long felt so important and that I didn't really need an answer anymore.

Of course I do remember. Of course sometimes there's a question that I would like to have answered. AT those times I do one of two things: either review it and weigh its importance with the fact that by asking him I am reminding him of the affair again - thus opening a closed case - and if it's not that important after all leave it at that - I might write it in the little journal that I give him to read sometimes -, or if I still think it's very important I go ahead and ask. Mostly I don't. I promised myself that after we truly discussed what happened and he answered properly not in a defensive manner to what I needed to know, that I would do my best not to go there again. the reason? If I did something wrong, I wouldnt' want to have it hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I made a mistake - o.k. it was a big one - Thankfully I realised it was a mistake. I apologize and make amends. And I hope nobody keeps it as a menace over my head for all eternity.

In any case, we all deal with things differently and the time schedule is different for everybody. From what I read I feel you are recovering quite well, keep in touch and give us updates every once in a while.

Vee, how did it become easier ? I'm not sure
I think the fact that I'm usually a positive person helped. Seeing my H starting to give those tiny baby steps towards ending his affair would recharge me even when I was feeling quite down. Trying to put myself on his shoes and understanding that even though the week links I could see in our marriage were no justification for the affair, people sometimes do crazy stuff when they're lacking something helped too.
And as tendervitles said, realising that sometimes even without noticing we have a tendency to take things for granted also helped to get the whole picture.

I worked on myself for myself.I did things for me that I haven't done in a long time.

I made scrapbooks with thoughts and pictures and tickets - all the small positive things happening with us.

I made a conscient effort to not let thoughts of the affair consume my time, and to use the negative energy towards my goal.

I did create a goal, after thinking hard about why I wanted this marriage to continue. And then I became very goal oriented...

Many things helped, but mostly it was the looking back into the marriage, finding what didn't seem to be working right and either fix it if possible ,or compromise . The letting go of the guilt - either my guilty feeling because I had no reason to feel guilty, or the tendency to see him as the guilty part. Yes he was the one who had made the bad move, but believe me , I don't think any betrayer really looks for that situation on purpose..- SO it was important to stop laying blame and start working fresh.

Hope this helps.

Hugs
Kat