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Author	Topic: What I have learned since d-day.
OneDay Member	posted April 19, 2001 11:43 AM Here are some of the things I have learned in the seven and a half months since d-day. I have also come to realize that while many of these reflections seem intuitive and the "veterans" repeat them time and time again, living this roller-coaster has helped me to understand their significance. Generally, 1. This is truly the worst thing that has happened in my life; 2. But I will survive it; 3. H's A was his choice, his mistake, his responsibility to accept; 4. No matter how unhappy he felt at the time, there is no justification for this choice; 5. That said, he is human and he is fallible; 6. And I love him, in spite of this; Taking Responsibility 7. Both of us contributed to the state of the M before the A; 8. And each of us needs to accept this and commit to making our M better, by fulfilling each others ENs and by avoiding LBs; Getting Help 9. A good MC early on in recovery is invaluable; 10. The BS should consider anti-depressants if a reactive depression sets in; it is a really long road and meds can help the BS to weather the rocky journey The MB Principles 11. Plan A works; 12. But Plan A is exhausting and it is very hard on the BS' self-esteem; 13. Living the Rules of Recovery works; Withdrawal 14. The WS' withdrawal lasts longer than the BS expects, sometimes longer than the BS thinks he/she can endure; 15. Withdrawal lasts longer when there is any kind of contact, no matter how infrequent or the reason for continued contact; No Contact 16. A good "no contact" letter is so important (follow the Harley model!) and it may need to be repeated; 17. The MB principle of absolutely no contact is the best way to go, but that is not the reality of many of our situations; 18. If there is continued contact, the WS should disclose it as soon as it happens; the BS should create a safe environment for these disclosures; Rebuilding 19. The BS starts first and often does it alone for some period of time; 20. BSs - Plan A with all your heart and soul! Be the best person you can be and the spouse that no one would want to leave; 21. The MB questionnaires are a great place to find some hints for where to start and what to work on; 22. Invite the WS' participation, both in doing him/herself and suggesting things for BS to do; 23. Positively reinforce all attempts by the WS, no matter how small; 24. The WS needs to feel much more positive about the M before actively participating; so the BS' motto should be plan A; 25. The BS needs reassurance, reassurance and more reassurance (in words and conduct); 26. Think of rebuilding as a service to your relationship, not as something you do for your spouse or even for yourself; put your M first; 27. Live the M you want to have (a.k.a. living "as if"); 28. Keep a personal journal; 29. Be consistent! 30. Be patient! 31. Be positive! When you Just Can't go on 32. Take a break from rebuilding, but do not withdraw; 33. Think of your children; 34. Do not make any decisions! 35. Do not ask yourself existential questions! 36. When you have regrouped, ask yourself if you have tried everything; resolve to try everything and to do those things you have tried a little better; 37. Indulge in a good vent, preferably not towards the WS; vent here, vent in your journal, vent to a close and trusted friend/minister/pastor; 38. Sleep on it; Recovery 39. Is a process; it is not an end or a place; 40. Takes time, lots and lots of time; 41. Requires both spouses to heal, in their own way; 42. Was my choice; 43. Was my spouse's choice; 44. Is what I am committed to; 45. Is what I am living. ------------------ Never give up. Never, never give up. ~ Winston Churchill [This message has been edited by OneDay (edited April 19, 2001).] IP: Logged
peppermint Member	posted April 19, 2001 11:53 AM Hi OneDay, Fabulous post! It says so well what I have experienced, learned, and feel. I hope NSR sees this, it is definitely NOTABLE! Peppermint [This message has been edited by peppermint (edited April 19, 2001).] IP: Logged
Free2BMe Member	posted April 19, 2001 11:55 AM OneDay, I wrote a similar post a few months ago, but I focused on my inner feelings, emotions and spirituality! This was great and I printed it off. You really touch on everything that we learn along the way on this journey. I am going to recommend that this gets into the notable posts section. Keep learning, keep growing! ------------------ **RECOVER REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX*** By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~ "People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." "No one takes advantage of you without your permission." IP: Logged
Persevering Member	posted April 19, 2001 12:41 PM Wow!!!! Beautifully said, and very encouraging. Thanks!! ------------------ "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7 IP: Logged
K Member	posted April 19, 2001 03:03 PM Very nice!! IP: Logged
StillHers Member	posted April 19, 2001 06:40 PM Excellent! Don't know what I could add. Steve IP: Logged
sing Member	posted April 19, 2001 08:11 PM Oneday, I agree with Peppermint that this should go into Notables. I copied & sent it to my saved posts. Thanks for sharing & glad things are going wll with you, may they continue to do so. Prayers IP: Logged
Lapeine Member	posted April 20, 2001 01:20 AM Ditto. Very good post. I think I must be at #32 right now probably because I'm not getting enough of #25. IP: Logged
OneDay Member	posted April 20, 2001 12:19 PM peppermint, You are one of the inspirations for all of us (and a MB cheerleader). I only hope our recovery will be half as successful as yours! Free2BMe, You are another veteran and inspiration. You seem to have managed this nightmare with your self-esteem intact. Did it always remain intact or did you recover it as your spouse actively rebuilt with you? Persevering, I actually think that our recovery has been really slow as compared to a number of our friends here. So, your words "very encouraging" are surprising and very welcomed. Thanks. K, right back at you! StillHers, I have seen many of your posts. You do add a great deal for many of us. Thanks. Sing, Thank you for sharing your experiences with others. I hope you will reply the next time I am at #37! Lapeine, I know #32 all too well, and I don't get enough #25 most of the time. (Luckily, H is at #24 in the past couple of weeks, so I am getting more #25; strangely this happened after my last #37 towards him, which I know was bad, bad, bad.) Have you had a #37 recently? If you post one here, I promise to respond. ------------------ Never give up. Never, never give up. ~ Winston Churchill [This message has been edited by OneDay (edited April 23, 2001).] IP: Logged
mksgrl Member	posted April 20, 2001 01:55 PM wow! That said it all IP: Logged
freshstart Member	posted April 20, 2001 11:46 PM OneDay, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I too will print this off for my H who is the BS. He has been incredible to me in loving patience. He hated the idea of meds but immediately within the first week on them was so relieved and they help keep his emotions in check...maybe a bit too much but he is not as emotional as I am or in the same way. I will cling to your words of hope and encouragement and just can't thank you enough for your courage to share your lessons. Wishing you continued success in your recovery and great adventures in you M for the rest of your lives , ------------------ Fresh Start IP: Logged
HGBrawner Member	posted April 21, 2001 08:40 AM Excellent! I like the way you categorized listed them. ------------------ "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 IP: Logged
LetSTry Member	posted April 21, 2001 12:03 PM Thanks so much for your list, I just copied it out. DDay for me was the day my H moved out and moved in with OW 5 and 1/2 months ago. He moved back home about 1 month ago. 1-7 are most definately true. Since H is still struggling with 14, he is having trouble with 8. We are doing 9 (with Harleys) and 10 (me, too, since DDay). 11- 13 are also very true. 15 was a problem for us at first and 16-18 are so important. I am trying to do 19-31 but I'm at 32 right now after a big 37 at H yesterday. Thanks for the reminders not to 34 and 35, I've been doing those since yesterday. Just before writing this, H called (he has been gone since yesterday on an impromptu trip with the kids - the cause of my 37) and gave me a tiny bit of 25 (better than the angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements of yesterday). He won't be home for about 4 hours so I'm going to read and reread your list several times before then. Thanks again. IP: Logged
SKM Member	posted April 23, 2001 08:26 AM OneDay - Great Post! This one should really be put in the "most memorable posts" section and sent to any "newbie" to the site. It very clearly and concisely described the recovery process in a way that encourages all of us (WS and BS alike). IP: Logged
OneDay Member	posted April 23, 2001 09:37 AM mksgrl, There's much more to that can be said, to be sure. But, many of my #37s include words that should not be used. So, my friends here are usually spared. freshstart, Thinking about things that would help your H is great. And don't forget to tell him that he has been incredible, again and again and again! HGBrawner, Thanks. I only wish my H's thoughts, feelings and expression of these also came with categories and headings! LetSTry, Good to hear that you are working with the Harleys. That should help your H with 8 (which btw my H still has trouble with). As for 37 towards your H, those pent up emotions just get the better of us some times; don't be hard on yourself for it. Does your H know what helps to give you some 25? Can you help him with this? (My H sometimes wants the exact words to say.) Don't lose sight of the fact that your H chose to move back home with you and your kids! That is BIG! SKM, Thanks for your comments. Your contribution on this forum is invaluable. I wish that all WSs had your clarity of thought. I know you have often said that your perspective developed with time. On the days when I am lacking 30, I just want my H to "fast forward" to where you are now. Thank you for sharing your recovery with us. It gives many of us hope that our WSs will become completely unfogged one day. [This message has been edited by OneDay (edited April 23, 2001).] IP: Logged

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