posted March 31, 2000 11:06 PM            

OM is 47-48,married, at least as far as I know, with 3 older children.

In May 99, I went on 2 day business trip. Two days before, x went out after work(she works straight afternoon shifts) with "the girls". The day I was leaving, x went shopping all day with a new "girl" from work. She came home late, and avoided me, I told her I was jealous she was doing all these things with friends. She said she was allowed to ahve friends.

I got home on Fri. We went to bed early that night, when phone rang and x immediately answered it. I could hear a male voice. She said it was someone from work about a problem patient. I was suspicous as I did not know of any men she worked with.

Om Sat. x went to bed early and I stayed up watching TV. Phone rang once and when I picked it up, x was talking to om and making a date.

I confronted her that night, her parents were in the spare bedroom. She said that om was who she had gone out with after work and spent the day "shopping." The shopping trip was the day affair turned physical. I am not sure how long EA went on. Had to be 2-3 months.

I said immediately I wanted the kids and she never said no. We decided to try counseling at the request of her parents. She said she and om had decided to give their marriages 3 months to improve.

I arranged a counseling session thru my EAP and it turned out to be a Christian counselor. On the same day x went to see our assistant pastor, a woman, who told my x it might take 1-5 yrs to rebuild marriage. We went to counselor that same day.

I decided that if i wanted to save the marriage I wou;d have to be able to share my emotions/feelings something I had not done in our marriage.

After counseling session, x came out angry. She said she knew all this stuff and why didn't I, plus she didn't want to wait 5 yrs for things to get better.

The following week, I was beside myself, I asked her why if she ws so unhappy hadn't she filed for divorce. She said she had an appointment the next week and that she had canceled the next counseling session.

X then decide she wanted to be alone to think. I said ok but to not take om. She said ok. She returned early the next day and said she wanted to work on the marriage. She said om was supposed to met her and he didn't show and she took this as a sign from God to stay in the marriage.

We started counseling with another Christian counselor. Each time x came out angry. I waas concerned because she worked with om. She said it was strictly professional. We started dating again. And the one night I had a great time and though x did too.
She had a hangover the next two days and avoided me. She didn't go to church on Sun and stayed in bed. WHen we got back from church she was up and dressed. I checked her phone and found she had called om.

The next day, I got a hang up phone call. Then right before she went to work, our son answered, and x startedd yelling she had it and for him to hang up. I overheard her talking to om.
At counseling the next day x said she had terrible time and couldn't look me in the eye while we were shopping for things we could do to improve our home. When I asked her about the great sex, she said she could have sex with anyone after a few drinks.

After work that night I asked her about relationship with om. She said it was strictly professional. I then asked why he was calling here again. She made up and lie. I then asked why she was still calling him. She said she loved him and wanted to know what if, that he was a soulmate.

I told her she couldn't live here and date. She agreed that she would find a place of her own as soon as possible.

I had found MB in June 99 and had been plan Aing to no avail. The only time we seemed to get anything out in the open was when we fought.

I then decided to go to plan B when she was moving out.

She told me on July 1st that om was also leaving his wife and thast they were getting together on the 2nd to discuss their future.

We decided to tell our kids later that afternoon together. When I got home early that afternoon, x wasn't there and kids were alone. I went to motel where I ahd learned they had planned to meet another time and found her car there. I knocked on the door and asked why she wasn't home with the kids(she brought om lunch!)/ She said she she already told the kids. I went home and she had lied to the kids. I told them the truth and when she got home, she was angry and packed and left to stay at cheap motel with om.

That night om's w reportedly attemped suicide, so he went back to her for 2 weeks. X moved into suite's hotel with om picking up the tab.

X found apartment in mid july and om moved in within 2 weeks.
On first day of school, x brought up us going to counseling again. I asked how we would do counseling when she ws living with someone else. She dropped the subject later blaming me for saying no.

In Sept. x found that om ws cheating on her with his wife. She came to me and asked if I would take her back. I said yes. She went to work and of course saw om. Within 5 hrs she was backtracking on what she had said about coming home.

She then started divorce papers in Sept. IN mid Oct, she and om where to go on cruise his mother had bought him and his wife, but the night before he dumped my x because he his w gave him an ultimatum. So om moved back home. X was devastated.

I didn't have any trust in x and she never asked to come home so she stayed in apartment.

We started dating again and went to counseling for the third time. X was pretty quiet but on the third and which turned out to be the last visit, she said she wsn't willing to work any longer trying to draw things out of me.

She had been calling me everyday in the morning, but on my birthday in Nov. she didn't call so I called her. She started yelling at me, saying I was checking up on her, etc. I asked if she was involved with om again and she said yes. Less than a week later the om moved back in.

AT that point I said I was through. I went to my lawyer two day later and restarted the divorce papers. The papers were filed on Dec 1, 1999. The divorce hearing was Feb 1, 2000.

X and om are still living in town in the apartment, but have bought a house(om's mother lent my x the downpayment).

x is paying me child support and there is no alimony paid.

She only asked for minimal visitation and that is about all she is seeing them.

She is still in LALA land and has no clue what to do with the children. She does almost nothing with children without om being there two.

OM was diagnosed as being bipolar and I think my x is catching it from him.

Thats my long and winding story that led me to this site!

posted May 12, 2000 09:53 AM            

My Story:

I was married on April 26, 1980, to the most beautiful man I had ever seen. We had met on a blind date six weeks earlier, and we eloped. Nope, wasn't pregnant, just in love.

Life was hard, as imagined since we didn't know each other, but got progressively better for about six years. Year seven (ah, the seven year itch) was the year my H decided to put his toes in the waters outside home. He met several woman through the school in which he worked, and began two simultaneous EA's with some Clintonesque sex. He never considered them affairs because he didn't have intercourse. I found out, he denied, and the story is like so many others really... bottom line was that I won him back, we moved 100 miles away from all the women (in the end there were those two plus several other daliances - cards, letters, gifts, no touching).

Those were very hard years, but I'm strong, and we rebuilt our marriage.

During the several months prior to my 40th birthday, I began to change, and not just a little. I was disatisfied and lonely. We'd always worked opposite shifts and we rarely saw eachother, plus we had three teenagers, one of whom is special needs, and he was never around to help. I offer this not as an excuse, please understand, but as a place where my mind was when I embarked on an EA with a co-worker. It lasted 3 months, with one hop in the sack, which I immediately regretted and fessed up to. He was devistated, of course. I still worked with the man throughout the months, and that made things much more difficult, of course. It was over, but of course there was contact, and I went through withdrawl like most others who betray... it was hell.

Three months into withdrawl I found this place, and became as addicted to it as I had to the OM. I read everything, tried everything (though not very successfully) and tried to fight a good fight. However, my H could not go forward, and bless his heart, I think in his way he really tried. He was never a good communicator, and it turned out it was my top emotional need. Sex was his, and it was high on my list too, so we tried to have lots of sex to 'fix' things. Didn't work. He moved out seven weeks after D day, to punish me, and I begged him back. That happened two other times in the course of the following eight months.

In November 1999 he began attending a 'feel good' church, and he met two women who he felt a connection with. One of them fell in love with him, and became his newest OW. They slept together four days before the last time he moved in, and he didn't tell me until after he had noplace else to go - or believe me, he never would have come home. Since he *was* home, we tried again to rebuild. My OM wasn't a concern anymore, now his OW was... what a mess.

Today, she is still in the picture, and she is quite a pushy woman, and hey, I can hardly blame her - he's still gorgeous (although he's looking pretty bad since he's lost about 40 pounds, but David looking bad is better than most men who look good <sigh> ) and he makes beautiful love... she's hooked.

I filed for divorce because I really don't see any other way for this to work. We are at a stalemate, and I know it's not a good reason to file, but there you have it.

For the record, my affair was not revenge on his earlier affairs, but a cry for help, and a piss-poor one at that. He says his latest wasn't revenge either, and honestly I don't know if it was or wasn't, and it doesn't really matter at this point.

posted May 12, 2000 07:23 PM            

We had re-befreinded an old high school (girl) freind of his, who is still married to this day, (so they are still sneaking around with each other) and during the time we were socializing with her and her H, she had told my ex, (my full fledged husband at the time) that she was miserable in her marriage.. (poor baby) but I had already picked up in this hussy, very pronto! I knew she was interested immediatly..!!! From the first time going out socially with her... I nick named her perdue!! because I swear!! she looks just like frank perdue, but with a little hair!! and I mean very little hair, very thin.. wears it very short, having no choice.. and it looks like feathers too!

I had this hussy over my house for a barbaque, summer (july) of 98, we went to her daughters engagement party, in oct 98, and that night!! I knew..!!! and my ex allowed her to make a fool of me the entire evening.. dancing with him to the first slow song of the night!! and so on.. I confronted him when we got home, and he said I was over reacting.. and denied anything was going on, of course until!! 3 mths after leaving!!!

I know this woman`s older daughter is getting married this june 2000, and I feel in my gut, that she is waiting for this wedding to be over, before making her move to leave her H... so not to ruin her daughters wedding.. (nice of her to help ruin my daughters life though, huh!) and in a way I can`t wait until the sh__! hits the fan.. as they say.. hopfully this (very slow, and very dumb) H of hers will make my stbx`s and Ow`s life miserable for them both.. then my divorce would go down with justice!!!

the end....AV

posted May 12, 2000 09:29 PM            

Good idea for the thread. I too feel kind of silly in comparison to some of the stories, but here's mine. Sounds like something out of a soap opera.

I am 27. MY ex is 27. We met when we were 16. He claimed it to be love at first site, I still claim it was lust on his part. We were together about 11 years. I had my first daughter at 18, second daughter at 20 and third daughter at 25.

We waited 7 years to be married. A lot of reasons. I believed marriage was forever. I believed, that it was wrong to marry just for the children's sake.

When we first were together, he cheated on me with my close friend. It was a nightmare. I took it very hard. I walked away and wasn't smart enough to keep walking. I was 17 what the heck did I know.

Well, a surprise baby and a hope for her to have a good life, I thought, I could make this work. Put lots of time and effort into the relationship, even though we weren't married, I treated him as we were.

Five years later, he leaves when he turns 21. I recently had baby number 2. He decides he would rather be out drinking. ALso having drug relapses, but at the time, I am in denial to this.

He starts a relationship with an older woman, well, ok when I was 21 she seemed old at 30 but I appologize for that now. She was a real jerk. He didn't pay me child support for the whole year we were broke up, but I survived and went on to buy a house on my own and had a very good career.

He attempted suicide a second time (first time was at age 17). I wound up in counseling with him at an attempt to get him stable in life, and for that alone. The counseling worked, too good, and I fell in love with him all over. Well, I perceived it to be that.

Once again, I didn't know that he was controlling me, and that it would all end. Went on to have baby girl number 3. That was all he needed to take the last of my freedom, self esteem and courage at that point.

I tried to adjust and make the best of things, and at some point, was at least surviving with it. He left on xmas day in December of 1999. He introduced OW to his mom on New Years. Discovery Day January 3. January 26, after 4 weeks of begging, complaining, and confusion, he asks to come back. I agree. He changes his mind. I am confused. February 14 BOOM, I get divorce papers. He wants to marry OW. (she is 24 with a 5 year old son) She knew he was married, and wanted him for herself.

She perceived him to be a good husband, dad and provider for the family. SHe did not know I was abused by him emotionally for years, that I made more money than he, and that a good dad doesn't leave his kids on xmas day.

He drags me through court and trys to wreck my life and credit. April 26 I have court. He cancels, we get postponed one week.

He now wants to stop the divorce cause we supposedly can't agree on a settlement. I suspect he is changing his mind.

I went on to see someone new, against the views of many on this board. I am very happy with my decision and feel great happiness in my life.

The grief I feel at the moment is that my ex can't leave me alone and let me be. HE wanted out. I tried to save the marriage, and failed, but now I am living for me.

By the way, I do like this new board (divorced) and seem to know almost everyone here too. Sorry to see us all in the same place. I do lurk a lot, not much energy to post though.

Prayers and hugs to you all, Dana

posted May 19, 2000 11:52 AM            

We were very happy although I admit to having problems with depression and anger so rather than ruin my relationship, I started counseling. It helped but I was still an angry woman frequently. Anyway, we married, moved to the country and I became more depressed and scared as I thought my H was starting to settle into a life of solitaire & TV and rarely wanted to do things with me. We had some great times but more often just so-so and as time went on, it got worse. He kept saying all was ok until he had closed up his heart to me and soon after, he became very attracted to a friend of mine. When he told me in Dec., that all hope was lost for the marriage, I moved upstairs. I came to this site in April, learned a lot, made some connections, realized I was still too self absorbed in a negative reactive way and started to pray for strength instead of just praying for my marriage to be saved. He continued to live as if I didn't matter and rather than ride it out, I opted this past week to tell his parents about our situation. He went to see them and must have also told them it was over. He returned home and started moving the rest of my stuff out of our old bedroom and now he just wants me to begin packing and get out asap.

We have no children so that will make it somewhat easier to end it but I am empty and sad except for the fact that I have my friends and family and myself to console me and inspire me to believe that things will improve. I just wish we could have communicated sooner. I really will always believe that had we talked more deeply and honestly, we could have avoided this awful place we are in.

posted May 19, 2000 03:31 PM            

I started dating him right after my breakup with my highschool sweetheart (on the rebound). I married him because he was such a nice, good looking guy and treated me so well, but I really did not have any "romantic" feelings for him, but thought I would eventually. I never did and the relationship quickly deteriorated. I'm not sure when his feelings for me went away. We fought all the time but we were both committed to marriage so we stuck it out, especially once we brought kids in the picture. After having kids, I became worried about all the fighting in front of the kids and the lack of affection between us so I asked that we go to counseling to figure out how to get along and see if there was any chance for us to feel passionate for one another. He went to counseling off and on with me for about 2 yrs. He always said everything was fine, nothing was wrong, that he loved me and never wanted to hear the word divorce, up untill 3 months ago.

On my way into work one morning (6:20 a.m. - 2/23/00) he said he no longer had any feelings for me and wanted to separate for a while. I didn't want a separation and although our marriage was in terrible shape I was still hoping we might figure something out with the counseling and a lot of prayer. However, I thought (and the counselor was convinced) that another women was involved because of his sudden change of heart. That was when I found out about the other women. She is under 25. He wouldn't tell me her exact age. So, everyone thinks she is probably 21. He is going to be 39 this year. He said he hadn't had an affair. He just enjoyed having long lunches with her at work and then one day realized he was starting to have feelings for her that he shouldn't and knew then that he should ask for a separation. He wanted to get out before something happened. Such a good guy! He, of course, denied all this at first, but my 5 yr. girl told me that she and my younger daughter had met her at his work one weekend and she sat in her lap and had a frosty and that she also had been to another place she worked and she had made her and her sister hot chocolate. She also told me that she was soooooo nice and wanted her to come to her birthday party. Of course, that tore me up. She had no idea what she was telling me. She is only 5. I just couldn't believe he had my children around her. I didn't even know he wanted a divorce. Obviously, we were in counseling but he was adamant that he didn't want out. I was totally blindsighted. I was humiliated and felt such rejection. I just cried and cried.

We are now divorced. It only took 2 1/2 months. I knew I could never trust him and we had a tough marriage to begin with, so I bailed out after trying for about a month to work things out. He went away on weekends with her before the divorce was final and was so blatant about it, that I knew it was over and was told by so many people to get out while I can and settle quickly to protect myself and the kids. So I did. And, I'm so glad it is now over.

I still feel very rejected and betrayed but I'm also relieved that I now have a chance to start over and possibly find some much needed happiness for myself and the kids.

posted May 10, 2001 10:04 AM            

I found this interesting to read, and it's only people on this particular board...

posted May 10, 2001 11:38 AM            

Married 13 year, together 15 years, dated 2 years before that. I'm 39yo, H is 38yo, and kids are son 14 and daughter 11.

At the start of the year 2000, our marriage was rocky but I thought we could go to counseling and "fix it". It never even occurred to me to separate. My H left Feb. 3, 2000 and moved out. He was having an EA with OW and it turned physical when he moved out. He was pretty much in and out of our lives over the months, mostly stopping to spend time with the kids. In June 2000, he moved back home because (to quote him): "The kids deserve a father." During the summer of 2000 I found MB and lurked for a couple months, but I learned a LOT. I used MB principles and I thought we were working on getting back together--but he was carrying on with the OW behind my back. I think he was trying to alleviate guilt. Finally, in Oct. 2000 he said to me, "Did it ever even occur to you that I know what your emotional needs are, and I just have no intention of meeting them? I'm only staying here until (my daughter's) birthday and them I'm moving out!"

On Nov. 1, 2000 he moved out again and in with the OW. She is about 35yo with four kids, all under the age of 11yo! Her xH beat her up and was so violent that they threw him in jail. For Thanksgiving (also my H's birthday) we went to his mother's house as if everything was okay--I almost threw up. About the first week of December, 2000, he took the OW on a long, romantic vacation in the Utah mountains (her home state), and he totally missed all of the Holidays with us. He came back on New Years Day just long enough to yell at us. It wasn't a pretty time.

Basically, he had lived with the OW through the months of Nov., Dec. and Jan. 2001 with her and her four kids, and guess what? It turns out he had to babysit a lot--and he doesn't like little kids that much. Hmmm. It also turned out that she ALSO had monthly mood swings, bills to pay, and some stress in her life. Hmmm.

On the last weekend of January, I had arranged to go out on my first date since my H and I separated. To be honest, I really liked the guy a lot and I thought to myself, "Why not? Why not enjoy myself a little and give it a try?" So off I went and he had our kids for the weekend. As soon as I got home, he was acting fussy and unusual, and finally I nailed him down and said, "WHAT is the matter?" He said, "You are going to carry on your life WITHOUT ME. We won't be together anymore." WELL DUH!!! I think until that moment, he thought I would just sit around and wait for him--or maybe somehow I would just always be available as a second choice in case first choice didn't work out. You know.

That very next weekend, we discussed the possibility of reconciling. I told him I would be willing to consider it, and he was willing to consider it, so we decided to take one more weekend and write our "minimum requirements" of what we would need in order to reconcile--these things were non-negotiable. Guess what? It was the weekend of Feb. 3rd, 2001--the one year anniversary of when he left. So that weekend, I cried a little, I made up my "minimum requirements" list, and we agreed to try to reconcile.

Since then we have had Valentine's Day, our anniversary, and my birthday--all were days that had particularly bad separation memories, but I have tried to reclaim those days for myself. We have had a rough time and I have heard things that no woman or wife should ever have to hear, but we are still together and that's something.

CJ

posted May 10, 2001 11:49 AM            

But I put my profile up a few weeks ago and I'm not retyping it!!

So here's a link to me: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254-3.html

posted May 11, 2001 08:20 AM            

Things came to a head in Jan 2001 when I was wrongly accused of a major offense (even though it's false, I'm way too embarassed to post). My W could not believe me based on my dishonest past. Filed for legal separation to sort things out on 1/01. It is truly what I needed...have grown a ton since then. The bad part is my W moved out of state with kids (I agreed to it). I'm attempting to relocate in the near future.

DD