posted October 06, 2000 12:44 PM            

---

Thought some of you all might find this interesting....
http://www.cbn.org/living/family/divorceculture.asp

IP: Logged

posted October 06, 2000 05:03 PM            

---

So what did you get out of that. I am a 33 year old child of divorce. This story immediately made me think two things: 1) This is why I make the choice to settle with a man that clearly wasn't a good choice for me and 2) what does that mean I should do for my child? Are the rammifications of her living with unhappy parents better for her than being a child of divorce???

IP: Logged

posted October 06, 2000 05:14 PM            

---

Barbara R,

I think the article was pretty clear that the answer to question #2 is yes.

People are not happy or unhappy merely because of whom they are married to. Finding a replacement does not change their happiness level long term. It is not like there are only a few people who would be "a good choice." Many thousands of people would be good enough choices - it all depends upon what you make of it.

IP: Logged

posted October 06, 2000 05:24 PM            

---

Nellie,

Let me just explain about my choice, i.e. my husband. I choose a man just like my father; I think because he left when my mother and he divorced. My husband is angry outbursts that I've posted about in various other threads. He also withdraws from me if I somehow displease him. He makes threats of physical violence against me and our belongings if I don't comply with him. I'm sorry, but somehow that makes me unhappy. I think that if I was 19 and made a different choice I could be happier. Also, I am very happy with myself personally. Does that change your response at all? Thanks for you input.

IP: Logged

posted October 07, 2000 08:37 AM            

---

Well, Gosh. My parents have been married for 47 years and are each other's best friends. They have always been each other's best friends. They have the marriage I want. There are four of us kids. Child 1 (me) married unhappily for the second time. Child 2 -- married unhappily for the third time. Child 3 -- divorced from philandering husband. Child 4 -- never married, living together in long term relationship.

One of my closest friends has been married to her best friend for 50 years now. Her father abandoned the family when she was a child.

I don't think causes and effects are as clear as the reports about Wallerstein's book make them out to be. I do intend to read the book for myself, though, rather than trust the media (who usually get things wrong) to make the conclusions for me.

[This message has been edited by Cottonwood (edited October 07, 2000).]

IP: Logged

posted October 07, 2000 06:30 PM            

---

Nellie1,
I tend to agree with you. The only time divorce is an option (IMO) is abuse, abandonment, and drug/alchohol abuse. The article states that children raised in abusive households do about the same as unhappy post-divorce households. That would be me. Probably explains my bad choices of husbands. However, my parents decision to stick it out has been very good in the long run. They've been very happy for at least the past 10 years and I'm so, so glad to have them both together.

I'll bet there are just times you could absolutely strangle your ex for doing this to your children. What I can't believe is how people who CLAIM to be adults shove off the responsibility to COPE with divorce onto their children. Like, their happiness is just soooo important and the kids will just have to deal. ugh.

IP: Logged

posted October 07, 2000 08:37 PM            

---

Barbara R,

If there is a real risk of physical abuse, that is one thing. However, I do not think that angry outbursts or withdrawal are sufficient reasons for divorce.

What really bothers me is that it seems like the choice in your post is between your current husband and "a different choice" - not your current husband and raising your children alone. Maybe I am misinterpreting this, but it seems like you are comparing your husband to a better choice - from the past, the present, or theoretical.

TheStudent,

My H said, shortly after he left, that even though the children were unhappy then that they would improve. That's what he wants to believe.

IP: Logged

posted October 08, 2000 08:38 AM            

---

Nellie1,
Yea. I know. The guy I dated briefly after my divorce was a child of divorce. His mother divorced his father when he was three, against his father's will. Then remarried and got divorced again. His take on it? Kids are resiliant and can manage. His father remarried to a woman who ended up cheating on him twice. I asked about it somemore, and he says "My parents are happier now." I said "Oh REALLY?! Your mom ends up getting divorced again, and your dad marries a cheater. Ya think they are happier? Ya think maybe they could have tried a little harder at the first marriage? Ever occur to you to get MAD at your mom for putting her needs before yours and making YOU deal with it?"

You know, this guy was probably one of the most self-absorbed, selfish people I've ever met. Probably learned that from his mother.

There are lots of people who file for divorces who never technically cheated in their marriage. However, they are still having a "fantasy" relationship with some "new" person in the future if they think that their problems in life are going to miraculously disappear when they find someone new. Or that the relationship problems are the other person's fault. It is no different than cheating then leaving the spouse. The end result is the same. Divorce.

IP: Logged

All times are CT (US)