posted January 24, 2001 07:54 AM            

I haven't heard a word good or ill from her on this subject or any other. Just before I informed her that the secret had been outed, she had sent me the title to my car, which I had asked her in e-mail to sign and forward. It wasn't signed. I had typed her name on it where it needed a signature, but there was no highlighting or signature tab because I assumed that we would be meeting to go over closing matters--rather than that I had given her the whole file at our last meeting. But ... she is a professional. She *had* to know this thing needed to be signed, and I had said so in the e-mail. Instead, she simply signed and had notarized the bill of sale (a backup document I didn't really need anyway).

It's just not like her to be avoidant on things--she's more confrontational. Maybe she doesn't know what effect my anonymous note to the relative had, and is waiting for any shoes that may start dropping so that when she confronts me the whole story will have already played out. Obviously she can't inquire about the situation directly because that would tip off the recipient that she has a part in this little drama. Right now, the recipient may strongly suspect it's her, but has no confirmation.

So ... no answer on that e-mail, or on the e-mail mentioning *my* problem with the unsigned title. I just have a vacuum.

posted January 24, 2001 08:06 PM            

Not having as clue as to what the big "secret" is, I say you just Lovebusted on an astronomical level...Breaking a trust is a HUGE Disrespecful Judgement...

posted January 25, 2001 07:23 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by WilliamJ:
Not having as clue as to what the big "secret" is, I say you just Lovebusted on an astronomical level...Breaking a trust is a [b]HUGE Disrespecful Judgement...
[/B]

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I have to agree. Unfortunately, other options were lacking. And I did not identify her. If she is able to keep her cool, she is actually in a better position because this is something she knew she was going to have to deal with eventually anyway, and now it has been done for her without bringing her name into it.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001941.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001974.html

posted January 25, 2001 08:38 AM            

Even before reading the links you attached, I had assumed that the secret you refer to outing probably related to incest. It is the sort of terrible secret which families often try to sweep under the rug.

Such dark family secrets damage not only the ones directly harmed, and there are usually more than one, but often their future spouses and children. There is a ripple effect that leads to pain, and possibly destruction, for many.

In any case, you now have a clear conscience. That is something which neither your wife, nor any of the "see no evil, speak no evil" crowd in her family can claim.

posted January 25, 2001 10:32 AM            

If your ex's family secret involved incest or child molestation, I would agree that outing it was the responsible thing to do.

I have a friend whose uncle molested her over many years when she was a child. When she did finally tell someone, they pushed it under the rug. Still do. This man had "access" to other children in the family. Who knows how many other children were harmed.

I know that this "secret" of hers haunted her well into adulthood. Still does. The fact that noone in her family can validate her pain is very, very hurtful to her still, and she is in her 50's. A long time to be carrying that burden.

posted January 25, 2001 12:53 PM            

1. Did the letter reach the relative?

2. If so, was it taken seriously?

3. Did the relative keep his yap shut, or has he created a major issue out of it? (perp's family are obviously innocent--but suppose there's an enmity between the relative and perp that I don't know about [having been out of touch]--this is a mercurial bunch, and relative has been known to literally wave things in people's faces).

4. Has XW handled this with aplomb, or have things gone wrong from her end.

5. How does XW feel about this?--I hope it has brought her some peace because something difficult has been taken care of for her rather than her having to take the heat for it.

All of this remains open to speculation.

posted January 26, 2001 09:42 AM            

You have done the right thing. It could not be swept under the carpet any longer.

posted January 26, 2001 02:39 PM            

If you are wondering how much attention other family members paid to an anonymous letter, there is a real simple answer. Not much. In my line of work, we get anonymous complaints and poison pen letters daily. We investigate all of them before 99 and 44/100% of them wind up in the appropriate file, never to be referred to again.

Anonymous letters tend to be composed of inuendo, gossip, opinions and crap. They are long on bs and short on actual facts. Most anonymous letter writers don't have any personal knowledge of the things they allege, it is usually something they heard second or third hand, or just fabricated themselves. They are a favorite tool of character assasins.

A lot more attention would have been paid to a letter where the sender identified himself and accepted the consequences of his disclosure. It implies that the sender believes the disclosure is: A. True and B. That the matter is so important that the sender is putting the welfare of others ahead of his own need for anonymity in order to protect them. The honorabe thing to do.

It has been speculated that this "family secret" involved either incest or child abuse. It that is true, it seems to me that any family member with this knowledge had a very high moral duty to bring this information to the attention of the proper authorities so the child could be protected.

I have developed a unique method for handling the anonymous letters I receive personally. I ignor them.

posted January 26, 2001 02:53 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Bumperii:
It has been speculated that this "family secret" involved either incest or child abuse. It that is true, it seems to me that any family member with this knowledge had a very high moral duty to bring this information to the attention of the proper authorities so the child could be protected.

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XW's tale to me was very credible.

Without saying whether either or both speculations were the case, XW wasn't upholding her moral duty. Admittedly, I have taken the second-easiest way out (easiest, if I count my conscience as part of the equation). But that was to protect XW--I'd be more than happy to walk right up to recipient and tell him this, but I think it would be devastating for XW if I did so. So the purpose of my anonymity was to protect her anonymity--the two were inseparable.

I don't need the letter to be taken very seriously, a mere heightened state of alert on recipient's part would be enough for me. That should happen regardless of the low credibility of the medium.

Involving the authorities at this point is too late in one case, likely too early in the other (I hope).

posted January 29, 2001 09:54 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Sisyphus:

Involving the authorities at this point is too late in one case, likely too early in the other (I hope).

[/B]

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If you are refering to the statute of limitations you might be surprised.

posted January 29, 2001 10:09 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Paul Moyers:
If you are refering to the statute of limitations you might be surprised.

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Oh, there may be an argument for tolling a limitation even if one exists, but if I were a state's attorney, I would be hesitant to bring a twenty-year-old case with no physical evidence where a reluctant-witness victim isn't even the complainant and the victim and perp live in the same county hundreds of miles away.

posted January 29, 2001 05:07 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Sisyphus:
XW's tale to me was very credible.

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Sisyphus,

You are a good man and a great contributer to this forum. You don't have to justify your actions to me, I don't wish to debate the issue. I merely posted a view point for you to consider or ignor, reject or accept as you will. I don't think what I wrote is any more or less valid than any other post here, just different. Hopefully, somewhere in the posts on the thread someone will post an idea that will be useful to you.

"When the one that you loved becomes a memory, may that memory become a treasure."

Bumper

posted January 29, 2001 05:47 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Bumperii:
"When the one that you loved becomes a memory, may that memory become a treasure."

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