posted March 22, 2001 05:16 PM            

Don't take my questions personal. I'm in a situation where I am feeling like maybe my bf isn't quite over the ex. I try really hard and sometimes I do good, sometimes I don't.

I'm sure if I were more secure in my own relationship it wouldn't be a problem.

I'm also hoping this relationship wasn't a rebound for either of us, thats why this story is now drawing me in.

Everyone I know says my life is a soap opera. I'm tired of being the entertainment, just want a normal life! Good luck with the gf. I'm no expert, but I'd at least get the last matters with exW tied up anyhow.

posted March 22, 2001 06:18 PM            

She may be just angry that I did it.

Or she may realize that if I was far enough gone to risk permanently alienating her by doing it, that I'm not coming back. She may therefore now be in a Plan B of her own--perhaps after having made a not so effective effort to reconnect that I didn't really recognize.

Or she may just be afraid of me--if I would do that, what else might I do?

Or she may have read here about the poison pill I'm holding, and be deathly afraid of doing anything to trigger its use ... figuring the volatility will be averted if she keeps her distance.

In any case, the quicker I get what I need, the quicker I'll give that item up to her. And then I really will be well and truly done.

posted March 23, 2001 04:40 PM            

You'll probably find this hard to believe, but I absolutely delight in being a thorn in somebody's side! I think it is a vocation that has a special calling just like being a priest or a rabbi.

Every time you post something putting the needle to to ex's lawyer, I get a kick out of it. Let's face it, the man is a pompous ass. If there is anything that drives me nuts, it is the so called professional who doesn't have the courtesy to reply to correspondence, whether it is e mail or snail mail doesn't make much difference.

I haven't been ignoring this thread, I was out of town all last week. It is really understandable that you don't want to play Boswell to your ex, but there was one post where you seemed to be posting the latest version the : "How could you be doing this to me afer all I've done for you story." If that had been directed to the woman I was dating for a while, the answer would have been something like: "I was entitled to it, you owed it to me, you were allowed to be in my company and for that you should be forever grateful." There are some women, especially those with histrionic personality disorders who think like that. Even when she is done with you, she still doesn't want any other woman to have you either! Nobody likes being replaced as a lover.

There is a time to cut your losses. Duplicate car titles are cheap. Rather than go through much more of the ag, it would get tempting to take the car to the junkyard and just have the darn thing crushed. And as far as the bank account goes, why not just close it and open one in some other bank? I wonder how worried you really are about the $5k. I'm by no means wealthy, but my mutual funds lost that much last week. We've all made and lost money.

OK, what is the point of all this? Simple, she can only break your lucky charms for as long as you choose to allow her to do so. You have the legal training, so there is no point in telling you that there is a world of distance between what you have a right to do, and, what is the right thing to do.

But then, my own expectations have always been at war with reality.

Sis, I just spent the better part of an hour reading this entire thread. As usual, the wit was delightful, I got more than a few grins out of this one. I'll be standing by, reading the mail!

Bumper

posted March 23, 2001 06:07 PM            

Your with your new woman.
You see your ex.
Why not just go about business as usual?
You still care about her and if you care about the new girlfriends feelings then why subject her to her opinion?
Of coarse she doesn't want you near your ex shes competition.
For your heart that is.
And by the way before you write back saying you don't care..
keep in mind you debated what to do and it caused you concern and mixed emotions.

So is your new girlfriend a tool or a mate?
Tool would be your using her to fed your ego and stabilize your "manhood" and mate is self explanatory.

posted March 23, 2001 11:08 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sisyphus:
Well, outing her secret in January (sending an anonymous letter about one of her relatives to another of her relatives, without directly mentioning that she had any involvement, so her secret wasn't really outed) was a big part of letting go. If I hadn't done it, it would have gnawed at me.

She may be just angry that I did it.

If you have REALLY let go, then why even be concerned of her family secrets? I would hope that you might be focused on your GF needs, not closure with the W. Your GF seems to me to be VERY VERY patient with you. You religously post with your wise advice to all of us in need. How does GF feel about you coming to MB forums if you have "let go?"

You might have perfection and love right under your nose but are too close to know it.

Or she may realize that if I was far enough gone to risk permanently alienating her by doing it, that I'm not coming back. She may therefore now be in a Plan B of her own--perhaps after having made a not so effective effort to reconnect that I didn't really recognize.

Or she may just be afraid of me--if I would do that, what else might I do?

Or she may have read here about the poison pill I'm holding, and be deathly afraid of doing anything to trigger its use ... figuring the volatility will be averted if she keeps her distance.

In any case, the quicker I get what I need, the quicker I'll give that item up to her. And then I really will be well and truly done.

And it looks like her attorney is pushing her a bit for that, too.

---

posted March 23, 2001 11:11 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Learning as I go:

---

Sorry Sis, I replies right in between your post.
The middle part is me.

posted March 24, 2001 02:37 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sisyphus:
There's often also a world of difference between what we have a right to do, and what we have the power to do.

---

Question Sisyphus:

What in the he** are you hanging on to that for? What is in it for you? What power does that CD give you over your ex? What is the value of holding power over a woman who no longer shares your pillow?

Sure hope its not the principle of the thing. More often than not, a person who invokes that argument is speaking of his own stubbornness, not principles.

Forgive me for this, but I have never met a woman who was even the slightest bit interested in meeting any of my past liaisions. Every one of them expected to be the exact center of the universe while in my company, and seemed to expect my undivided attention. Nothing turns a woman off any faster than a man paying attention in any way to another woman! No matter what your girlfriend is telling you, she doesn't like it, period. She wants to be the e in we, the heck with the past, it is her turn to be the star of the show now. She doesn't want to share the limelight, and she doesn't want to compete with your past.

After reading a couple of the posts on this thread, you may have had the thought: "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto." Sometimes you remind me of Dorothy. She always had the power, (in the ruby slippers), it was just a matter of time until she realized she had the power and decided to use it constructively. You have the power to end this delimma any time you decide to do so. And as the Japanese and Germans learned followintg WWII, you may have to surrender something in order to come out a winner in the long run.

You have read a fair number of the authors on recovery after divorce. Somewhere, each of the authors you quote touches on the theme that there is no truely healthy recovery without a profound change in attitude.

I've always known that there was some guy who was my worst enemy, a man who was making my life miserable. So I set out to find out who it was. After a long and tedious search, I finally figured out who he really was.

It was ................... Um ................... Ah ............... me.

My friend, the hardest thing I ever did, was to change my own attitude.

Bumper

posted March 24, 2001 10:21 PM            

Alright, I have let this go on now for some time and have kept my mouth shut, not today. I have read almost all of your posts and I have to tell you that I think you are trying to be someone that you are not. You continually utilize 50 cent words to express your feelings. Um... Big woop. I have two degrees, but, don't have them posted on my back. I don't have to impress anyone but myself. I have my diplomas proudly sitting in the attic collecting dust.

You are still stuck on your X and it is obvious to the blind. Who gives a rat's ass if she turns right or left, Dude, build a ****ing bridge and get over it. You have someone new, and if you keep this behavior up you gonna be solo again.

Am I the only one that thinks this way? TS?

------------------
"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984

Wishing us all the Best.

posted March 25, 2001 03:04 PM            

I read this last week and got the same impression. I bet the GF is very uncomfortable, feeling a little uneasy. I don't blame her because "I think", she has every reason to be. He is very obssessed with the EX. As a woman, I certainly would be.

Hey Sis,

Did you ask your GF how she felt about all of this?? Really asked?????

posted March 25, 2001 03:52 PM            

do you remember when I posted about hitting my ex-h? And the advice you gave me? Very very wise, and to the point.

And do you remember what I said in one of my posts to you. I said that if ever you were going to do anything *silly*, or something that you might later regret, ask yourself "would Jo do it". If the answer was yes, DON'T DO IT. I have made so many mistakes and have done so many things wrong.

Believe me, you will know what I'm talking about if you continue down this road.

I agree with Medic, although I would have phrased it a bit more delicately. It seems very obvious that you still have feelings for your ex, and gee, can't we all understand that. But you have to let go.

What you are doing is creating every possible means to communicate with her, deal with her, and may I suggest, see her. ie, still have her in your life. Sisyphus, I'm only saying this because I have been where you are. She doesn't want to see you, or speak to you. Neither does my ex. It hurts, and it hurts like hell, but if that is the way they want it, we can do diddly squat about it.

I wasn't going to post right now, I have to get the children off to school, and I don't have time to say everything exactly the way I want.

But Sis, I have grown to respect your opinion so much, and you gave me a whack on the upside of the head (is that the expression you guys use???) a while ago. Well, as your
friend, here's your whack right back.

Give your gf the respect she deserves. Yes, you have issues you need to sort out with your ex, but DO that. And do it any way you have to, even if it means employing another lawyer. Deal with it so there is nothing left that you have in common with her. Only then, will you be able to start moving on. Really moving on. Because there will be nothing left holding you together. And all these car titles, and tax things, etc etc etc are exactly that. Holding you together. It's your weak, tenuous lifeline with/to her.

You need to let her go. I'm sorry, I know exactly where you are at, but holding on is doing you no good, and doing your new relationship no good.

Sis, I'll check back later. But bear in mind, sometimes outsiders can see so clearly what is happening, while you yourself can't. Read back what everyone has said, and there seems to be a common thread coming through.

You need to let this go. And hanging on to her will not help you do that.

love and hugs

posted March 26, 2001 07:04 AM            

Everyone else,
I don't really feel that sorry for the GF. Sis was divorced the middle of last year. He met her, when, August/Sept? They moved in together November? Knock. Knock (visualize TS rapping on their heads)..is anyone home?

I'm not a big fan of live-in arrangements first of all, but having it follow so closely after a divorce is just plain...oh-you know.