posted April 05, 2001 10:48 AM            

Sounds like you are getting through all the remaining threads of your long defunct marriage. Question is, how do you feel about this being wrapped up and over with, finally?

Your continued posting on here signals to me that there may be a few emotional ties yet to unravel with the XW in your mind.

Galatea

posted April 05, 2001 11:22 AM            

Of course there is always going to be regret for what might have been. And my view of her family and its effects on her life grows increasingly jaundiced. I can't "blame" them, they are imperfect human beings dealing with demons of their own, and they have been largely successful by the standards that many people apply. They just happened to have made my XW a little tightly wound.

I can let her go. I must let her go. Would it have been "love" to hold on to her, knowing all the while that she was increasingly unhappy? And for whatever reason, being unable (or, admittedly unwilling) to do what she saw as necessary to make her happy (assuming that stuff even would have made her happy). The fact was, she seemed to have conflicting urges, and since I couldn't make both operant for her, I was to blame for the road not taken ... of course, I would have been to blame had we gone in the other direction. And I would have been to blame if she'd found herself wishboned by an attempt to take both directions. The only thing that would have come close to solving her dilemma would have been for me to make an inordinate amount of money. And that itself would have brought its own problems. The details are pointless now.

I was somewhat skilled at spin, and dancing, but unskilled at getting to the root issues, and unskilled at managing my own reactions to trouble, my own depression and paralysis.

Would I want another chance? No. The only pull in that direction would be the sense that I married for life, not for this to have happened. And perhaps the sense that I have tainted XW's relationship with the Catholic Church in that she is now a woman who divorced her husband. I offered to help with an annullment, but that offer was met by silence, and the diocese didn't give me much hope for pursuing one as a non-Catholic. I have to stop letting it be important to me, as it seems unimportant to her.

posted April 05, 2001 11:55 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Sisyphus:

I can let her go. I must let her go. Would it have been "love" to hold on to her, knowing all the while that she was increasingly unhappy? I was somewhat skilled at spin, and dancing, but unskilled at getting to the root issues, and unskilled at managing my own reactions to trouble, my own depression and paralysis.

Would I want another chance? No. The only pull in that direction would be the sense that I married for life, not for this to have happened.

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Well, it sounds like you've been incredibly introspective to this point. If I may be so bold, have you heard of the book Emotional Intelligence? It may help you in your future relationships in terms of "managing reactions" in stressful situations. I found it immensely useful coupled with Harley's LB work.

Hang in there...

posted April 05, 2001 12:31 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Sisyphus:

Of course there is always going to be regret for what might have been.

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I can say this too!

quote:

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I can let her go. I must let her go.

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Egad! I can say this TOO!! Of course, I'd have to substitute "her" with "him"...

quote:

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Would I want another chance? No. The only pull in that direction would be the sense that I married for life, not for this to have happened.

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Married for life... sigh ... yes, this is what I believed too...

quote:

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It was my choice to move on; and though it was both too soon and born of pain, not readiness; it seems to be working out undeservedly well.

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{blush} Yes... this is my truth too... and as sad as it truly is... I feel utterly blessed, as well...

quote:

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My gut tells me that when Monty Hall opens the door revealing the Coupe de Ville, you don't ask "Aww, can I go back to the [b]goat?"[/B]

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You crack me up!!

------------------
~Sheryl
(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)

Life is difficult.
The Road Less Traveled
~M. Scott Peck

posted April 05, 2001 12:56 PM            

I can't believe this thread is still going!

Back in the beginning stages of my discovery, I moved on too quick too. Just as you mentioned, maybe it was too soon. I didn't do so good at my first try, but I wish you the best with yours. Just because you did move on faster than some, doesn't mean it can't work, but I do think there is a lot of extra work, emotional baggage and last details of splitting everything up.

I'm trying again. Its been 7 months, and only one issue so far, which we have worked thru. I think thats a pretty good start.