posted March 19, 2001 07:55 AM            

There were some housekeeping details left over at the end of the marriage, credit, car title, money owed--mostly in my favor. In my depression, I was in no hurry. She made attempts to contact me, I wasn't answering the phone, although I did so at last, and was in more or less regular e-mail contact. But she would pretty much have to show up unannounced at my condo to get anything done. At which point I was cordial, but I would go into a 24-48 tailspin after that. Gradually recovering, I even babysat the X-dog over a weekend for her (I was certainly worty of contact when I could be of use). She explored moving to Milan, gave it up and returned to her old job as an outside contractor.

Since the beginning of October, I have been with new GF, and she moved in during November. Things are great.

I gave XW our '99 1040 in mid-October (final extension due date), but she held it and didn't sign. In December, a family secret of hers became too much for me to carry. I asked her to work with me on a way to warn people who needed warning about it. I got silence, so about a month later I sent an anonymous letter that didn't even identify her, but did identify a relative who needed guarding against. I timely notified XW of this to preserve her deniability and minimize surprise. After that, communication from her side ceased. I made regular attempts to contact her, she at first didn't return messages, blocked my calls to her cell phone, then changed numbers. E-mails went unanswered. Mind you there were no threats, nothing unfriendly, although during bouts of anger, I have discussed on this board the possibility of sending a damning item in my possession to her boss. I believe she may lurk here, and may have seen the thread(s) where that was mentioned. And what wound up happening was her attorney wrote me a letter telling me to stop trying to contact her, and citing a bulletproof anti-harrassment clause in our marital settlement agreement that I myself drafted ... the silver lining was he laid out a path to getting the other matters resolved--but now their cooperation is lagging, and I need a car title by the end of the month.

NOW TO THE ACTION: Last night, GF and I went to drop some videos off at Blockbuster and do some shopping at Publix Supermarket. Although I haven't laid eyes on XW since October, it was almost inevitable that eventually there would be an encounter because that's XW's closest Publix (I often shop a larger Publix nearly as close for me, but there's no Blockbuster near it).

So we dropped the videos at Blockbuster in this particular center, and the long lines there motivated us to go through Publix before coming back to rent a fresh DVD (we did the DVD-a-day 30 days $20 deal). When we exited Publix with the cart, who should be rounding the corner right up front but XW in her funereal-black Saab convertible (this shopping center is shoehorned onto a tiny, irregular site, and the parking lot traffic flow is indescribably convoluted. XW almost had to pass by the front door). On the phone. Either not seeing us, or pretending she didn't.

New GF knows XW has caused meltdowns in the past, so she's now trying to see if I am going to keep it together or not. Meanwhile, I'm OK. So we take the groceries to our car in the ancillary lot, and head back across to Blockbuster. Turns out XW has parked more-or-less opposite Blockbuster, but not so we have to walk right past. I get a glimpse of an occupant still in the driver's seat, and remark to GF that XW can take some time to get out of a car (due to arthritis). We enter Blockbuster, and in about 5 minutes we're through the line and back out with our DVD. There's lots of glare from the mercury-vapor lights on the windshield, but I look over, and 40 or so feet away there's still an occupant in her parked Saab. With growing apprehension, I tell GF that XW is still in there. We're now 30 feet away, about as close as we're going to get without me intentionally approaching, and it's clear to me that XW sees me, and is on the phone. I ask GF how she wants to handle it. It's a delicate moment, because GF is somewhat insecure that XW could potentially reel me back in. I don't want to force her to meet XW, but I don't want to make it seem as though I'm ashamed of her or hiding her from XW either--neither of which would make GF feel more secure, or for that matter, garner any respect from XW.

GF tells me to do whatever I think best. I take a step or two toward the Saab. Visibility is still poor, but I can see waving going on. Whether it's beckoning or warding off isn't clear, but in context I assume the latter (if she were friendly or even if she wanted to give me a piece of her mind, she could just pop the door and at least step out). So I turn on my heel and head toward my car again. As her car starts up (and if I'm now walking away, why not just wait for my departure, and continue with shopping as usual?), GF worries that XW might try to run us down, but realistically in that parking lot there's near-perpetual gridlock so it's not really a concern of mine.

We get to my car, start it up, and my main worry is that XW will tail me for some inscrutable reason, so I use the most direct route out of the area, which happens to require going around the block. One of the turns I make also passes a long, poorly lighted exit from the center, and as I pass it I can see a set of headlights and a yellow side-marker that are consistent with a Saab about halfway back there. Cursing my haste for being direct rather than circuitous, I approach the red light at the end of the block, expecting XW to zoom right up to my back bumper, but instead I see her turn into the parking lot of the adjacent Walgreens. But if XW had wanted to go straight home, she would have hung a hard left and turned completely away from us. If Publix were still on her mind, I think she could have turned around.

So as usual, I'm left with questions, and wondering if I'll get some kind of scalding communique from her lawyer. And I've got 3 more weeks of Blockbuster visits! Is there anything I should or shouldn't do beyond just letting this drop?

posted March 19, 2001 08:39 AM            

My "run in" with x last week seems to have worked somewhat. She left a not this am that she has switched her work day and will be home the day I am out of town. She also is taking the kids Tues nite now instead of Wed because she was working part of the time anyhow.

posted March 19, 2001 09:04 AM            

*So as usual, I'm left with questions...

What happened w/your GF after? You mention what your actions were, I hope that her statement of *do whatever you think best" was not a way for her to retreat. I can't help thinking about how she must have felt, you taking a step *TOWARDS* the XW at that moment.

Although I don't agree with Student on you *using* your new GF, what were you planning on doing when you got to the car (had the XW not driven away)?

I would think your GF is left with many questions as well.

posted March 19, 2001 09:07 AM            

And there is no order, there's just a contractual provision I drafted ... mainly because I foresaw that I wouldn't want to hear from her. That was anticipating a poor choice that at the time I thought was the way I was going to want things to be. And it's the way it basically is now--and now I want it that way--but it's been a long road to get there, and I think if I had it to do over again I would take a different course--although that would have denied me new GF. I'm not using my GF. We are very well matched and happy together. She is the silver lining in this whole mess. But if I had my druthers from a moral standpoint rather than a selfish one, I would still be married, and happily so, and not having faced these crises.

posted March 19, 2001 09:14 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Galatea:
What happened w/your GF after? You mention what your actions were, I hope that her statement of *do whatever you think best" was not a way for her to retreat. I can't help thinking about how she must have felt, you taking a step *TOWARDS* the XW at that moment.

Although I don't agree with Student on you *using* your new GF, what were you planning on doing when you got to the car (had the XW not driven away)?

---

I was hoping to introduce new GF (like a regular human being, not to show her off like a trophy or hide her like a creep would hide a trailer slut), and have a brief, civil discussion about where is my car title you've been dodging signing? Obviously, that didn't happen.

New GF has heard enough tales of erratic behavior on both sides to be apprehensive about just where the encounter would lead. As it broke off, she was just concerned with making sure I was OK.

posted March 19, 2001 09:47 AM            

Do you really think approaching the XW and asking about the car title would have been appropriate at that juncture? Especially given the fact that the XW has enacted the anti-harrasment clause?

In regards to the GF, is she aware of your feelings in regards to your marriage?

*But if I had my druthers from a moral standpoint rather than a selfish one, I would still be married, and happily so, and not having faced these crises. *

Yikes! It sounds as if you still want to be married to the XW and so what role is the new GF playing in all of this? You stated she *Moved in in November*, so it must be serious, or are you simply replacing one with another here? Sounds to me like some soul searching may be in dire need here on your part. Good luck!

posted March 19, 2001 10:02 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Galatea:
Do you really think approaching the XW and asking about the car title would have been appropriate at that juncture? Especially given the fact that the XW has enacted the anti-harrasment clause?

---

I wasn't really worried about the contract, or what was appropriate from XW's perspective. Her choices and behavior have negated any regard I had for her feelings, and right now I'll do what I have to do in order to get what's owed me; and I won't sacrifice my GF's dignity and security in our relationship to scuttle away from XW--rather than walking up like a man and letting her know where she and I stand.

XW certainly hasn't had much regard for the agreement except when it served her convenience. Would she fear anything physical from me? In a crowded parking lot, with GF in tow? C'mon. And even if she did, her unreasoning response is not my responsibility.

quote:

---

In regards to the GF, is she aware of your feelings in regards to your marriage?

---

We're very open. She knows I wish the divorce hadn't happened. And she understands that those feelings do not diminish her new role.

quote:

---

*But if I had my druthers from a moral standpoint rather than a selfish one, I would still be married, and happily so, and not having faced these crises. *

---

posted March 19, 2001 10:21 AM            

Sounds like you have gone through alot with all of this. It also sounds like you are very open and honest, if your GF is as you say she is, don't let her go )! You both are lucky if you are as open as you say.
Best of luck to you both!

posted March 19, 2001 11:39 AM            

"Also, there was a chance(?) encounter with your client arriving last night at the <location> Publix/Blockbuster just as we were finishing Publix and then returning to Blockbuster after loading the groceries in our car. My girlfriend and I went about our business, however, your client seemed reluctant to do the same. Which put me in the awkward position of having to attempt to ascertain why your client was remaining in her car observing us, during times when she could have easily entered Publix without any encounter (had she entered Blockbuster, it would have been well ahead of me, and I would have noted it and steered clear).

It seemed a moment for civilized acknowledgement and an introduction, rather than for scuttling away; however, it appeared your client was waving me off, so I did not go out of my way to approach her vehicle. However, she apparently thought it worthwhile to attempt to intercept my departing vehicle for one last look-see (I'm beginning to suspect that having spotted the car I drive [her old one] in the parking lot while we were shopping Publix, she circled, hoping to observe us without being observed herself--and got caught).

posted March 19, 2001 11:51 AM            

...and why did you stir the hornets nest?

I only ask because... doesn't this constant (not so good-natured) bantering back and forth between you and the lawyer make things difficult for you on a daily basis?

God, all *I* want is some peace... isn't that what we all want?

------------------
~Sheryl
(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)

posted March 19, 2001 12:02 PM            

Are you a glutton for punishment? It might have been better that you mentioned it first now that I think about it. Not allowing the XW any opportunity to make a mountain out of a molehill?

It is very confusing why you did write the email though.
My thoughts drift to the reason you may want to prolong this vis-a-vis wrap it all up. Is stoking the hornet's nest the best way to wrap it up or does it only prolong the process? Your motives seem suspect due to this.

What do you really want here?

posted March 19, 2001 12:07 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by new_beginning:
...and why did you stir the hornets nest?

I only ask because... doesn't this constant (not so good-natured) bantering back and forth between you and the lawyer make things difficult for you on a daily basis?

---

Well, since she's apparently behaving irrationally (the more I thought about it, the more I felt stalked), I felt it important to document it with her lawyer prior to (or at least relatively contermporaneously with), her causing him to write me something giving me a bunch of legal threats because he got only her side.

I'm not going to let her shape circumstances to trammel me. I certainly have no intention of doing so to her.

If we can act like grownups (when last I checked, we actually were in grown up [perhaps even declining] bodies), there's gonna be a lot less angst.

posted March 19, 2001 12:18 PM            

I gotta go with The Student on this one... You are way too focused on your XW's actions, and I think your GF is being made to suffer from this, even if she doesn't show it yet.

I don't think your XW was stalking you. I think she was probably surprized to run into you, she probably was trying to avoid talking to you, and she tried to wave you off when you approached. What's wrong with that?

Instead, you subject your GF to all sorts of confusion, circle the parking lot, play detective regarding which way your XW turned her car, etc.

It's one thing to wonder about what your XW thinks or does, but you seem to obsess about it, and worse, you are acting as if you are consumed by it. I can't see this being good for you or your GF.

I'm not meaning to sound harsh here, I am just an outside observer, and as such it seems that you are creating a bigger mess than need be. A mountain out of a molehill, as someone said.