posted April 24, 2001 08:34 AM            

ONE--the anger

You know you're in grief, grief at so many losses and betrayals. For the rage stage of grief, I recommend gathering old things like fruit, magazines or china. When you're in a safe place (maybe your basement or the county dump or whatever), where you won't be bothered or bothersome, go to it! Pound the fruit!! Shred the paper!! Shatter the china!! Any one of these will do. Shreek, moan and cry. Then go have a bubble bath and a nap. Be extra nice to yourself! You probably aren't sleeping well anyway. Anything good for stress is extra good now: exercise (long walks!), meditation, writing (write H or XOW but don't send it!), healthy food and lots water, regular rest.

If this sounds pie-in-the-sky or condescending, I don't mean it to be. I used these things after I lost my first daughter at birth, after 3 different miscarriages, and after DDay while pregnant with my last child (with XOW due to give birth at the same time!). I wasn't in a position to use alcohol or drugs or anything unhealthy.
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TWO--get professional advice

It helped me TONS! to read affair books when I found out, particularly After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring, and Dr. Harley of this site also has one called After the Affair. It helps to know what feelings and events are "normal" and the route to repairing your marriage. It helped me to read that H and I should act "as if" we were going to stay together even when we weren't sure (including H should not be seeing the OW!). It takes months to improve the marriage and AT LEAST a couple years to 'recover' from an affair. (If your H is not remorseful and not working on your
marriage or still seeing the OW, then there are Harley suggestions for saving your marriage too.)
My H and I used the books, counseling, help here at Marriagebuilders and other sites (like affairs-help.com). We used every good hint for recovery we could find. It's important that we didn't "skip over" the affair, didn't minimize or ignore it, what led up to it, what we needed to do differently.

It's been over 2 years and I AM glad now that I stayed!! But those early months were HELL!
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THREE-- Biblical post

broken_wings Member posted April 20, 2001 06:19 PM
I just wanted to let you I too felt guilty at first...
One thing that helped is there is a story in the Bible. I will find the place later and tell you where to look. I beleive it was Abram and Sara. She couldnt have a baby and he slept with her servant Hagar. She had a boy. Later Sara also had a boy and she wanted the oc out of there lives. Oc was about 9 at this time. Abram was heartbroken bc he had a
bond with child. God told him to do what Sara had asked bc his obligation was to his wife, not ow\oc. Abram sent them into the desert and God made sure they were allright.

Knowing that out of the mouth of God came the words to send oc\ow away made me feel a lot better.

Jenny Member posted April 20, 2001 06:48 PM

bw,You got it right!!! The Biblical OC is Ishmael. Sara's son is Isaac. I find it interesting that later in the story Ishmael as an adult is alongside Isaac at Abram's funeral (Sara had already died). I love this story. It's in Genesis starting about Chapter 16.
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FOUR--a healing ceremony description
[Note this was after several months of recovery]

Here's what I remember. I read about ways to create your own ceremony before I did it, why ceremony is important and how it helps. It is important to go slowly and get max participation (your H has to have his heart in it too!) and plan whatever works for YOU!

After putting kids to bed one (planned) night, I lit candles, got stuff ready and made space for us to sit on the floor opposite, holding hands.

First I led us in prayer, breathing, and silent meditation. Can't remember exactly what I said but something like describing our pain, asking for God's assistance, for peace
and healing for each of us, for our marriage, our kids (by name), the OC (by name); I asked that only good come of this, that all of us fulfill our higher purpose, whatever that may be. I thought about it before hand and went slowly and sincerely with everything I wished and anything H wanted to say to God in similar vein, expressing willingness to heal.

Then we made a paper guy to represent everything my H wanted to get rid of in himself, bad experiences and personal traits he was willing to change because they'd brought him so much misery, esp. stuff contributing to the affair like conflict avoidance and not sharing his (negative)feelings. We cut out an outline of a guy and H added words or pictures to it while we talked about these things. After we exhausted all the negatives about his "old self" that we could think of (that bastard!!), we burned it! We burned that old 'bad guy', then H buried the ashes outside in dirt. He said that felt good (men are action people!). When he came back inside I looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him and forgave him (meaning the affair) and that I looked forward to watching him grow and change. (you can imagine crying and hugging here)

Then a special footbath. I had bought a bouquet of roses in various colors. I told H to pick out one rose to represent our marriage past, pull off each petal and put it in a little tub. Then one by one he had to pick one rose for the baby we lost at birth, then each miscarriage... whatever I felt we needed to mourn. We cried over each memory, each
petal, each sorrow and regret. Then I gave him a white one to add for our future marriage, for our hopes and dreams together, for a new man and a new beginning. After the rose petals were in, I added hot water, oil and more scent. Then I gave H a foot massage. A long, slow, loving one, each foot, with big soft towels afterward and conversation when we felt like it. For the "new man" he vowed to be. Imagine peace, intimacy and new energy

posted April 24, 2001 10:08 AM            

I just wanted to echo what LeeLee said. Thank you so much for taking the time to put together such a wonderful post. It will definitely help the newbies, and some of us "oldbies" as well!

Thank you for guiding our way, wonderful lady.

posted April 24, 2001 07:18 PM            

Isb, in my op, it's waaay too soon for you to be past the anger! You're at that screamin' china-smashing hateful-letter writing stage and no one could blame you. The only way out of grief is through it... you can try to avoid it, but it will come back sooner or later until you "do" it. Let the pain, the anger, the sadness, flow through you like a river. It takes time. Be nice to yourself. When you CAN ignore it, do so! You know how precious those happy times are, so grab them when you can, but know this grief must be gotten through too. I think it's especially hard on our kids, even when they don't know why, just having to deal with a grouchy grieving parent. When you can, be happy with them so they know it's not personal.

The time frame for this recovery has been similar to losing my daughter... the first year was horrible, blurry, numbing, FULL of those awful AWFUL feelings. The second year was better , but I was still very obsessed (I had forgiveness of H but not trust and hated XOW)... even a few months ago I still grouching about the XOW. It was not until after the second year that I really found peace. I read a book about forgiveness (Calm Surrender) that helped (I have not forgiven XOW, but I chose to concentrate on the good in my life rather than give up any more to her). I'm working a book called Superself about concentrating on fulfilling our hopes and dreams (and XOW/OC is NOT a part of it!)

Does the money bother me? Yes, but I don't obsess on it anymore. It is a bill rather like so many bills. One way I sometimes cope with the $ issue is to think it is a like a large "tithe" to "charity". H and I don't tithe to a church, but by the time the ch-support is over, we could afford to do that 10% and still have money left over for US! If you think there is something you can reasonably do to reduce the ch-support, go for it now and get that over with.

The stages of grief are: denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and acceptance. Because we have the reminder of the OC, we will sometimes go back to grief (anger, whatever), but if we work the stages, we will know acceptance and peace.

posted April 24, 2001 09:37 PM            

what a great post. even though i am not a newbie, i got so much out of it. thanks for being one of the people so far into recovery, yet still reaching out to the rest of us with your encouragement and advice. prayers for you in your continued success in your marriage and in life!!

posted April 25, 2001 05:44 AM            

Debi

posted April 26, 2001 08:44 PM            

Thank you Jenny!

posted April 28, 2001 05:58 PM            

Freedom, "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring uses great language to convey both husband and wife feelings without pushing the "affairer" toward (extra)guilt... she talks about the devastation and the time recovery takes without sounding accusatory. My H listened to the audiotape of it early on and I think that helped, though he was super-guilt-ridden anyway. But Maybe it would help your H to realize this isn't an overnight project!