posted February 27, 2001 07:34 PM            

Dear xxxxx:

During your affair with my husband, I had been trying so hard to do my part at working out our problems. Did WS ever tell you that in January to March of last year I was begging him to go to counseling with me? You are the reason he refused to go. Maybe God is trying to tell us that we just need to give up and this is the sign he has given.

I am upset that you did not respond to my last e-mail a couple of months ago. I feel that you respect me so little that I do not even deserve the courtesy of answers to my questions. I also feel that I have been quite respectful of you under the circumstances.

The most important question I have is still, "Do you wish to be with WS?" I will step aside if you chose each other as it would certainly put an end to this indecisiveness. One of you needs to have the courage to ask this question and to either live with the consequences of being with each other or with the rejection. I don't know how either of you will ever be happy again if you don't put closure on this love you have/had for each other. You'll forever be asking "What if?" That is actually the biggest reason I have for not wanting to work on my marriage any longer. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in your shadow. With the intensity of what you apparently had, and the lack of the mundane responsibilities of marriage and children, how can I compete?

I also learned that the two of you decided to tell your H that the reason you and my H are not friends anymore is because I am jealous of his female friends. That really hurts. You are the one female friend that I never had any concerns about and now I have to take that blame for that, too. The two of you have been so unfair to place the burden of saving my marriage, my kids, my reputation and my self-esteem all upon me.

I am truly hurting now. I don't know why it has taken so long to settle in. I think I have been numb for so long to the lack of emotional support in my marriage that I am just now feeling the effects of this episode as far as you are concerned. Sorry to ruin your day.

-LL

posted February 27, 2001 08:23 PM            

I understand your strong desire to send the letter. Don't do it. Many here have thought of doing the same and the advice given has been pretty consistant. It could be seen as a love buster by your spouse. It could actually do more harm than good. Concentrate on your marriage. Do not expend any of that energy on the ow. In the end, its just not worth it. Besides, your marriage is not any of her business.

posted February 27, 2001 11:12 PM            

------------------
terri
Courage

Whatever course you decide upon,
there is always someone to tell you
that you are wrong.

There are always difficulties arising
which tempt you to believe that your
critics are right.

To map out a course of action
and follow it to an end
requires courage.

posted February 28, 2001 01:20 AM            

What can I say? From someone who actually did send e-mails (because I thought I was dealing with a sane but mislead soul), well I found psyco woman instead .... Write it for your therapy and then tear it up. It probably will not be appreciated by the H or OW. There was one post here where there was appreciation but that must have been the one in a million person.

The OW in my H's life, does not have a conscience or any family values. Breaking up a family is not a big deal for her in fact it may be her personal challenge. She also does not have the courage to face me (but curses on the phone real good and writes highly offensive e-mails).

I guess the question is, are you going to learn anything more than you already know? If not, it could be a waste of time and make your H mad. In my case, I did learn something but it still made my H mad and in fact he just threw it in my face today. The last e-mail was written almost 2 months ago.

Is your H one that can handle info? If so, maybe let him know you composed a letter and let him read it. I let my H read it, in fact he blessed it and said (at least for the 1st one) that he understood my need to send it. Then he forgot he said that (oh well, must be the fog in the brain syndrome).

Remember you don't always know how they will react to your intentions (regardless of how good they may be). Will you be able to handle any sort of backlash? Will you be able to recover from it and save your marriage? My H told me today, that the reason why his recovery is taking longer is because of my e-mails to his OW. It just set her off and it irritated him. OW considered my contact via e-mail an invasion of her privacy. Never mind the fact that she invaded my home via her e-mails to my H and his back and forth.

Hope this info is helpful. Be careful and take care!

posted February 28, 2001 08:24 AM            

It is very unlikely that she will give you what you want, true remorse. She didnt think of you during the affair and she doesnt want to think of you now.

I wrote one such letter and my counseler said to me it seems like that is what you want your H to see, not OW.

posted March 01, 2001 03:30 PM            

You sound like a doormat, trying to gloat over a pedestool--all it serves is to raise the pedestool up higher! I am sorry. But you really do not want to come off sounding like that. You are a great person with a great foundation in your marriage, and she is not. Do not knuckle under to her influence.

You are by far the better person here; you always were!!!!

posted March 02, 2001 06:54 AM            

I agree with all of the others, don't send the letter. Keep writing letters to vent, but then tear them up. By sending the letter, I think you are giving this woman power over you, over your decisions. I don't think it's important what the OW wants - you need to do what you want and feel is best for you. If you chose to stay with your H - it's because you WANT to, not because she "Bowed Out."

posted March 02, 2001 09:49 AM            

I am an OW, so for obvious reasons, and out of respect, I have only posted a couple times. I did feel this perhaps would be a situation where my thoughts might truly be helpful, if not please forgive the intrusion.

Don't send the letter, your other responders are right. Your letter is obviously honest and heartfelt, but I have serious doubts it would achieve your desired result, or even would sound to her as you intend. You actually in this letter give the OW and the prior relationship a lot of validation. Don't do that for her. Don't give her the "power" or assurance about your feeling that way, or their prior relationship, by sharing those thoughts with her. Even if truly over your words were actually in some ways positive about their prior relationship, and in a way validating, although I know that is not your intent, nor how you see things from your perspective. Even if over and she has no desire to have him back, don't give her that validation.

I agree that this kind of focus gives some of your personal power to her, don't do that for her and don't do that to yourself, you deserve so much better. Don't let her in in this way to your thoughts and feelings. The best "revenge" and the best way to send the best message to her is for the affair to continue to be dead, and for you hopefully to get your marriage back on a healthy and happy track. If you want to hurt her the most, and get some "revenge" and send her an "so THERE" message, do the best for yourself getting that part of your life where you want it, that is the best message you can send for her. Wouldn't it be lovely for her to hear through the grapevine some day that you and your husband are back together and happier than ever?

best of luck to you.