posted June 20, 2001 08:10 PM            

Well, biologically, probably nothing. Everyone goes through what we call the Fog when we fell in love with our WS. So what's the dynamic that comes into play when an affair takes place? Why do we call it the Fog instead?

Hmmm, my guess, and that's all it is, is that reading from Harley's articles a lot comes into play. Paraphrasing here, romantic love is an extremely powerful emotion, people lose their spouses, their homes, their children, their jobs, their self respect, dignity and the respect of those around them to experience that feeling of romantic love.

In a 'normal' relationship, this 'fog' isn't a problem. And as the relationship progresses, the chemicals that cause this feeling eventually 'dry up', and if the relationship is to continue, then another kind of love takes it's place. A committed, stable affection that can grow deeper (hopefully) throughout the years. This is the real glue that holds a relationship together for the long term. And it's based on trust, truth and respect (among other things).

However, in an affair, biology takes the reins. Both the WS and the OP are riding that chemical wave. Physical attractiveness isn't usually an issue because the affair started through an emotional connection. A connection that's surprisingly easy to make when the WS is in a vulnerable time in the relationship with the BS.

Once the feeling of romantic love is established, everything else goes out the window, and this is what the BS calls the 'Fog'. How could the WS give up everything? It just doesn't make sense, but romantic love is like that. The upside to all of this is that inevitably, those chemicals will 'dry up' too.

This is where Plan A and Plan B come into effect. When the WS starts to lose the feeling of romantic love with the OP (which can be helped along by LBing by the OP), the WS will think back and reflect on what has happened. They start to realize all the pain that they have caused, all the things that they have given up. And as [H] has said, a strong relationship cannot be built on a foundation of lies. The WS and OP had to lie to themselves, each other, and everyone else in order to be together. These lies will be exposed when romantic love starts to fade. If a solid Plan A and Plan B has been implemented by the BS, the WS will want that part of their life back. They will want to get back all those things that they gave away for the fleeting romance with the OP. If they feel that they have a safe place to go to, a happy place to go to, they will return.

This is why most affairs end within 6 months after being exposed. Why only 3% of people who started their relationship as an affair end up getting married and why 75% of those marriages fail.

If you want your WS back, have hope. Someday, the affair will end. Just be the best that you can be in the meantime.

Just my thoughts on the matter. Take care,

posted June 20, 2001 08:42 PM            

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Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.

posted June 20, 2001 09:34 PM            

Wow, very nicely put!

K
[H]'s wife

posted June 20, 2001 10:43 PM            

Two thumbs up! A high five! and a cherry Coke!

posted June 21, 2001 12:48 AM            

To add to your 'chemical love' statement. I recently read that compared tue love to toxic love. Hm.... so those chemicals could be toxic. Yep, they can make the harmless (innocent victims) look distorted to the WS. The OP makes sure they keep adding chemical X (more hateful stuff about the BS and family) to the potion so then it start to become an addiction. Feeding off of each others hate. YUCK!!!

posted June 21, 2001 11:15 AM            

Mature Love Versus Infatuation
(Author Unknown)

What is the difference between infatuation and real love? Nothing at the time a person is experiencing it. The difference is the difference between falling in love and staying in love!

INFATUATION:

One is totally occupied and fascinated with the individual. Every move and gesture is important.

The partners feel intense emotional states filled with excitement, urgency, impulsiveness, and confusion.

The relationship is based on very few accurate perceptions and little authentic knowledge about the person.

They put each other on a pedestal while belittling or putting themselves down.

One depends on the other for self-esteem.

One has more to get from the relationship than give.

One is jealous of the other person’s activities or interests beyond the relationship.

Both can’t admit to normal human weaknesses in the other.

They function less well than usual at school or work or home because of the relationship.

One is terrified by the possibility that the other person will lose interest.

They think only of the other person.

MATURE LOVE:

Each person is an individual apart from the other. Neither depends on the other to feel complete, worthwhile, and important, secure in self-esteem and what they bring to the relationship.

The two people can accept the fact that neither is perfect. They don’t try to change or blame each other for the differences between them.

The relationship and the partner become only a part of one’s life, not all of it.

The relationship remains strong in painful, difficult times as well as happy. They share fears and tears as easily as they do happiness and laughter.

Each person has more energy to devote to other parts of life. Their love opens them to new experiences instead of shutting them away from the rest of the world.

The two are close friends. Physical attraction is only one aspect.

Each person continues to grow as an independent person.

Each person gets as much joy from giving to the other as receiving.

Both are secure in the belief that their love is as important, meaningful, and valuable to the other partner as themselves.

Honesty and trust are openly shared as they respond to each other’s intimate feelings and concerns.

The partners feel a responsibility for each person’s well-being and act in ways that will protect and nourish them both.

CONCLUSION:

posted June 22, 2001 12:42 AM            

God knows, we can all use it.

JenniJ, I don't have an answer to that. Although I would suggest that it's been 2 years, you seem to be on the right road, try to let it go. Your husband has put it behind him, he is with you now, his choice remember.... I know a lot of people would like to be in the position you are in now. Yes, your husband may have a distorted view of the OW, but he probably also associates her with all the deception, pain, and devastation that his affair caused. It's in the past, let it stay there.

posted June 22, 2001 02:06 PM            

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

posted June 22, 2001 03:52 PM            

Well said.

You brought up some statistics in your post about about how affairs turn out. I know from reading the Harley books that he states most affairs burn out on their own AFTER they are revealed, usually within six months.

My question is, where did he get these statistics? I know each case is individual and I am not one to rely soley on statistics. But has anyone ever done a scientific survey on how affairs end?

I'd be curious to know...