Wife's not sure she wants to be married - Marriage Builders Discussion Forums

Marriage Builders Discussion Forums

Wife's not sure she wants to be married (Page 2)

profile | register | preferences | faq | search

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone!
This topic is 4 pages long: 1 2 3 4

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Author	Topic: Wife's not sure she wants to be married
Bruce Member	posted October 21, 1998 05:18 PM Val, Glad you kicked in your view there. I know I was being a tad one sided and I'm glad you brought out the rest. I just didn't want her to feel guilty about something she probably didn't have to. Do I think her husband needs therapy? Don't know. It seems like everybody needs therapy these days for things people used to know they should simply stop doing. And they would stop doing it if there was something they wanted worse than the bad habit they're grasping now. That's how I quit smoking when I was 18. Porno is the domain of a self-centered individual. If he broadend his concerns to be of real service to others, especially his wife, it would move porno out of the picture. There wouldn't be room for it. As it is people have lost sight of the simplicity of that, therefore they see therapy as the only option. And I'm sure all those mental health practitioners and counselors appreciate it all the way to the bank. Just my opinion. IP: Logged
Heather Junior Member	posted October 21, 1998 09:19 PM Jim, there's a really good book out there called "Winning Your Wife Back"...My husband got it at a Gary Smalley conference, but I'd guess it could be found in or ordered from a Chrisitian book store. It is very easy to read and written in sports terminology to be male-friendly. From a woman's point of view, the advice is very good advice. I wish my husband would use it! It sounds as if you have your foot in the door. I think your wife is confused. Maybe too many people are trying to tell her what to do. I suggest that you take it easy for a while and just let things flow (if you're a Christian, the phrase I like is "let go and let God..."). Be friends. Don't be pushy. Let her talk. Listen. Give her what she needs. Romance her in a non-sexual way...small bouquets, a locket, Godiva chocolates (just a few you picked out yourself), afternoon phone calls that last just long enough for you to tell her you care, a foot massage (if she'll allow it), a book, tickets to a show she's wanted to see for years, TIME, or SPACE. Whatever her needs are, meet them. It'll be hard, but if you are gentle (and read that book!), I'll bet you can do it. You sound like you miss her. Take care of yourself, too, okay? Go to a gym, visit with friends, build a satisfying life for yourself. You'll be more relaxed, less likely to put pressure on her, and probably more appealing. Good luck with the counseling (don't bet into arguments or place blame and you'll be better off!). I hope it works. IP: Logged
terri Member	posted October 19, 1998 10:11 PM This is not marriage related at all, but you all have offered such comfort and wonderful words of advice to me in my marital crisis (H leaving, having an affair) that I wanted to share this newest sorrow with you ... I hope no one minds... Today I found out that my very close friend and confidant, a woman I had worked with for five years, whose Methodist minister husband had been transferred to Long Island NY from our small upstate NY community, was killed in a car accident. She was the most giving, caring and wonderful person I have ever known and is one of the few people who understood why I have to deal with my marital situation in the manner in which I am... My heart is broken into little tiny pieces ... and I feel such pain for her husband and two sons (one of whom was in the car with her, but is not seriously injured). I am feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders tonight, even though I know the pain of her family is far more than mine ... Why do bad things happen to good people??? terri IP: Logged
Bruce Member	posted October 21, 1998 05:18 PM Val, Glad you kicked in your view there. I know I was being a tad one sided and I'm glad you brought out the rest. I just didn't want her to feel guilty about something she probably didn't have to. Do I think her husband needs therapy? Don't know. It seems like everybody needs therapy these days for things people used to know they should simply stop doing. And they would stop doing it if there was something they wanted worse than the bad habit they're grasping now. That's how I quit smoking when I was 18. Porno is the domain of a self-centered individual. If he broadend his concerns to be of real service to others, especially his wife, it would move porno out of the picture. There wouldn't be room for it. As it is people have lost sight of the simplicity of that, therefore they see therapy as the only option. And I'm sure all those mental health practioners and counselors appreciate it all the way to the bank. Just my opinion. IP: Logged
Doug Member	posted October 22, 1998 10:29 AM Val, I was glad to see your viewpoint! I suppose that Bruce is partly right: pornography CAN be like sexual cocaine to a man who already has a regular sex life. (Can't personally vouch for that one, tho'.) But to a man who is starving, 'soft' porn is more like sexual Cheetos -- no nutritional value, but it helps take away the hunger pangs briefly. This bothers me, 'cause I've always felt that even 'soft' porn was fundamentally wrong, partly because it paints such an unreal picture of women. But sometimes, 'unreal' is all you can hope for. Doug [This message has been edited by Doug.] IP: Logged
Bill Junior Member	posted September 22, 1998 02:51 PM Greg and Ken (krc and Bruce too), Like krc, I have been posting on the Infidelity board for over 2 months. I posted a new topic explaining my prediciment (Help - Please) on this board. My wife is experiencing the same things. 16 years of marriage and she now feels her life has been worthless. She is 37 and I am 41. Two kids. Self Control - It is now a life style. My wife and I are in separate therapy. My wife still can not talk openly to me. She fears that she will hurt me too much. She says she loves me, but does not know if she is IN LOVE WITH ME. Ken, I also have given dozens of back massages. She also likes the foot massages. Maybe they are less sexual. We are both in separate therapy. She likes her therapist, but hates the sessions. She says she has learned so much about herself that is painful, that she did not want to go back. But, she will still go. Today, I was going to call it quits. It became too painful. My in-laws are staying with us for the week. I was up all night from the stress. But, reading your posts, and speaking to a close friend, has renewed my strength. I love my wife and am trying not to abandon her in her time of need. She is looking for a teaching job, and I only help when asked. She said it is something she has to do on her own. Above all, we have to take care of ourselves. I have lost over 20 lbs. (only started at 172). Eat! Get out. You will be of no use to anyone (much less your wife) if you dwindle away. This is the worst rollercoaster in history. I am glad I found this thread. Venting to people who understand is refreshing. Thanks, and hang in there! IP: Logged
GME Junior Member	posted September 22, 1998 06:07 PM Hello everyone, It is nice to see that we are all getting some sort of relief from this thread. One thing that is hard for me, and I'm sure with some of you, is that we just don't know what the future has in store for us. Not that anyone knows what lies ahead in your life to begin with, but there is a loss of confidence in the relationship. There is no more "Happily Married". It's as though your spouse has the ball in their court and they don't know what to do next. Many times I feel as though this could be the day she makes up her mind that she has waited long enough. Some days this thought weighs so heavy on my mind that it makes it hard to function. I know that many of you probably feel this way every day, as did I. The constant fight seems to be within myself. My wife doesn't make it difficult to live together. We are very loving to each other, in a non-passionate, non-sexual way. I'm still hoping the passion will return, so does she (she says), but will it ever return? When will her patience to wait end? If I knew it would definetly return, I would wait - forever. Self control, patience and unconditional love for my wife are most important for me to survive. You are all helping me a great deal - Thank you! Kenw, I'm glad that your session went well. It is bit of a relief to know that so many couples have the same problem. Makes you have faith in recovering. Our couselor told us that we also would not be the same after this, but probably much stronger and tighter than before. I pray for it! Backrubs are great aren't they. Take care Greg Bev, I can relate to your decision to move out. I have made the same decision. She says she feels it can help her find who she is and at the same time find her way back to me. I'm out of options. I've done the staying and waiting option, but still no change in the intimacy. I'm scared. How about you? I personally think that it's not a bad idea to talk out your problems with your husband. This way you may discover ways to solve them. Don't cover them over by just talking about something else. My opinion. I hope everything works out. Please keep writing. Greg Bill, Only in the last several months can I relate to what you say about taking care of yourself. I think because I've been in this for a while now that I've started to gain alot more self-esteem and self worth. Don't quit - no matter how painful. Know that you are not alone. And it will be worth it in the end. You said that you were in the infidelity forum for 2 months. Was there an affair in your relationship? Good luck Greg IP: Logged
KenS Junior Member	posted October 22, 1998 01:43 PM Thanks for the input, but I nee help with my questions. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! Ken IP: Logged
K Member	posted October 22, 1998 03:18 PM Bruce, The phone counseling has been successful in that it helped me get through a very difficult time and stay focused on the marriage. Steve was also very good on helping me learn the techniques here and apply them to my marriage, albeit in a very one-sided situation. And in my case, I believe that these principles really helped me 'save' my marriage. My wife is not currently participating in any counseling. She did work with Steve initally, but didn't like it (remember that she was actively involved in an affair and didn't want to quit). It's my belief that we still have plenty of work to do in our marriage, but I will not push my wife into any counseling due to her emotional and physical state (with being pregnant by OM, and having the affair being over for 'only' 4 months). I bring it up only occasionally, and she is willing to consider counseling. And she may even consider Marriage Builders again, although she doesn't have fond memories of what she went through before. I got her to participate by having her fill out the LBI (love bank inventory) for Steve. She then spent some time on the phone with him. I remember the first session she had with him: afterwards she went to bed (late afternoon) and slept for about 14 hours. She did participate in that she would give Steve 'feedback' on how I was doing, and we had some joint sessions to go over the rules for covering lovebusters and emotional needs. It sounds to me as if you are going to have to 'go it alone' for a while. Start, and show your wife that you are serious. Then perhaps she'll get involved. But I'd make that appointment and get Steve's advice: he's the professional, and I'm only giving you my 'colored' version of how it worked for me. Good luck. IP: Logged
Bruce Member	posted October 23, 1998 08:13 AM Miya, There is nothing wrong with you for not liking this. I don't care what anybody says your husband is WRONG, and his remarks about all men doing this is a line of bull and all he's doing is justifying himself. To give other women compliments in front of you as very disrespectful, and frankly I think a guy like that needs his butt kicked, to phrase it as mildly as I can. I don't know what all is going on in your marriage and I'm not saying whatever problems you may be having are all his fault. Since two people are involved there is usually something both are contributing in some degree or another. But what your husband ssys to justify his porn habit is simply not true and I would not, if I were you, leave him any refuge to think I bought that crap. IP: Logged
Kenw unregistered	posted September 24, 1998 09:44 AM I hope I never get to the point where separation is an option. I don't think I would ever leave. My wife would have to make that choice and leave us. I continue to struggle with my emotions. My wife had said she battle her emotions yesterday. However, she didn't want to explain her feelings. I can only assume - the "I don't want to be here feelings" got the best of her. I keep get mixed messages from her. Sometimes she will talk about the future like a future vacation we have talked about. However, later she will make comments like "if something ever happened to us, I could keep the dog" etc. In the past she used to joke about stuff like that, and I had no problem with it. However, now I am super sensitive to comments like that. I just want to feel comfortable in my relationship. Will that ever happen? Last night we got into a discussion about her therapy - She wants to discontinue it do to money reasons. I told her I think this is an important issue that needs attention - regardless of money. She said it hasn't worked so far (she has only been a couple of sessions). Tonight, she goes to another session - I pray she doesn't tell her therapist she is ending her sessions. My wife says this is a phase she is going through that she needs to resolve - and that she is capable of doing it. The chance that therapy will help allows me to make through everyday. I can't stand the feeling that our relationship could end at any moment. I live life by gaging my wifes moods and actions. I just can't seem to learn --I have to continue on with my life. Maybe if I started doing things for myself - It would give my wife space and she might feel I am not emotionally dependent on her (that I could survive without her). Thanks for everyones help! IP: Logged
Bill Junior Member	posted September 24, 1998 11:01 AM Ken, It sounds the same in my house. We have a vacation planned for February (since last year), and are now planning a trip in April (to visit her parents) and a trip in May (to my nieces wedding). She talks as if these are going to happen. No issues. But, then she will comment that it's "only a penalty of $75 if we have cancel an airfare!" Ouch!. My wife also would love to discontinue the therapy. Don't believe the money issue. You and I know that we would give up everything to have our wives back and whole. Their therapy is a very painful process. My wife told me that she HATEs the sessions. They have opened up things that she cant believe about herself. After her sessions, she broods for days. Also, you have to do things for yourself. When this whole thing started, I stopped doing everything so that I could spend more time with my wife. I fell apart. Get together with friends, go out for drinks. Play sports. The activity also is a great stress reliever. I recently started playing tennis again, and started exercising in the morning. I am trying to get my friends together for a regular Friday night card game. I also no longer PUSH communication with her. I think that was a major stress in our current state. She can not talk openly to me yet. Last night, we hardly spoke a word to each other. She went to sleep early, and was asleep before I got to bed. At about 2:00AM, I woke up, turned to her, and kissed her, gently. She turned to me, did not open her eyes (she still could have been sleeping), and said she is coming home. This is the second time she said that to me. Perhaps inside, somewhere, they feel that they do belong with us. Its just buried under tons of turmoil and pain. Unfortunately, we have to wade through it all. Keep faith that you are doing the right thing. [This message has been edited by Bill.] IP: Logged
Chris Member	posted September 24, 1998 04:09 PM Bill,that was nicely put. Glad to hear that you are beginning to put a structure back into your recreational time and that you are re-building your marriage. IP: Logged
GME Junior Member	posted September 24, 1998 05:42 PM Kenw, I also said that I would never leave. That I would ride this to the end. Keep that attitude. It helps give you confidence in knowing what you represent to your family. Believe in those moments were your wife talks about the future and future plans. This means she sees a future with you. I'm still wondering if leaving is the right or wrong thing to do. Before, I couldn't even think about it. Now, it occupies my thoughts every day. Thoughts of a desperate man I guess. It seems to be the only way to possibly get her back, to have her think I'm willing and able to live without her. But am I? I honestly don't know. About being comfortable. I don't know if "comfort", as you knew it before, will ever return. It may. Mine still has not. But I do feel more at ease with my wife now and our situation as compared to the first 3 months of this. You definetly will become more comfortable as time goes on and your problems are worked on and you learn more about what the other needs. I think that once you go to a marriage couselor together, you will see a different light. When I went by myself, it was great... for me, but I felt somewhat "detached" from the marriage problems. When your together, you are able to see the reactions of your spouse and you know what each other has to work on. This brought our relationship to another level. It helped us to talk about it in a more positive way also. Take care, Greg IP: Logged
Bruce Member	posted October 21, 1998 12:56 PM KS, You are doing nothing wrong. Your husband is in the wrong. Once a man starts looking at porno it is just like a drug. He can be having a great sex life with you but porno stimulates him to go into sexual hyperdrive, so to speak. Years ago my father-in-law got a satellite dish. This was before they scrambled all the channels and made you pay subscription. We were there over the holiday and I was up late by myself. I started skipping through all these channels hoping to find a good movie. Well, in complete ignorance I stumbled onto the American tripple xxxtasy channel. Suffice it to say that everything I saw was as raw and uncensored as it could be. At first I just sat there with my jaw dropped open. I couldn't believe I was seeing it. Disbelief very soon gave way to arousal. Next thing I new I was waking my wife up for sex. Then I went back out and watched the stuff until 5 or 6 in the morning. Some weeks later my wife was telling me that her mother told her that her father was getting up in the middle of the night like some Stepford wife to watch this stuff. This is one reason why I've never allowed pay tv in my home. I don't want the temptation. As it is I've seen some of the sites on the Internet and I had to make an effort of will to avoid them afterwards. Porno is the mental cocaine of the male species. You should not belittle yourself in any way. No one can measure up to the false standards of exstasy put forth in that crap. Your husband needs to cut that stuff loose and be happy with what he has. IP: Logged

This topic is 4 pages long: 1 2 3 4 All times are CT (US)	next newest topic \| next oldest topic
Administrative Options: Close Topic \| Archive/Move \| Delete Topic
	Hop to:

Contact Us | Marriage Builders | Privacy Statement

� 1995-2001 Marriage Builders, Inc. All rights reserved.
Marriage Builders is a registered trademark of
Marriage Builders, Inc.

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.47