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 Marriage Builders Discussion Forums
 Emotional Needs
 wit's end w/wife's sexual adversion
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| Author | Topic: wit's end w/wife's sexual adversion |
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fishy Junior Member |
posted September 13, 2000 04:43 PM
  
Hello, I have been a frequent reader here but this is my first post. I have a problem that seems to be pretty common. Yet I have such trouble dealing with it. I'll try to be short but it is so complex... My wife and I have been married about 1.5 yrs. We met on the internet, switched to the phone, met in person and then she moved in. We married shortly thereafter (she is from Canada, I am from States). Sexually speaking things were great at first. We both seemed to be "in synch" with each other; it was passionate, intimate, and fun. Well, it pretty much fell completely apart around the time of our marriage. My W suffers from depression and she really had a humdinger of an episode. Lasted for several months. Well, with medication and therapy she has that under pretty good control now. Plus, I understand it much better now. However - the sex part never got going again. She seems to have a true adversion to sex - And really with all forms of intimacy in general. We have been thru this over and over and over. It nearly wrecked our marriage early on. But I stepped up to the plate, so to speak, and put my needs aside to help her and the marriage. My need for sexual fufillment is still not being met. It is like pulling teeth for her. We see a therapist, have tried some other "book-help", but to no avail. She avoids sex at all costs. We literally went about 4 months with no sex shortly after getting married. Then it was very sporadic. Now I'm lucky if I can get it once a month. I say "get it" for a purpose. You see, it is all for me when it happens. Typically, she finally decides it is time, then lays down and says "how do you want me?" (or something similar). Well, not only do I need sex in my marriage, but I need some active participation and enjoyment on her part - at least occasionally. I don't think this is asking too much. I have read Dr. Harley's book and it helped me personally to better understand her. I have been able to better meet her needs now, simply because I understand them better. She will not read the book. She thinks I am using to push my viewpoint - and also - Dr. Harley is a male and so he can't really understand, etc.... I feel like we went from a wonderful sex life, immediatly to that of a couple that has been married for 50 years. Many 50 year marriages probably contain more sex than ours! Where was the inbetween? I used to take it very personally. Not so much now, but it still hurts, sometimes makes me angry, or sad...confused... She has really done great dealing with the depression and I've been behind her and help as much as possible. She has also been great at meeting all my other needs. But not the number 1 need. And I really don't think she understands what a strain on the marriage this is for me. Well, I'm rambling on and must get back to work. I hope to hear from men with similar issues and women who can perhaps help me deal with this in the right way. Thanks! IP: Logged |
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Lisanne Member |
posted September 13, 2000 04:55 PM
First thought is that your wife might be seriously depressed ... and/or is harboring some anger or resentment against you for some reason. You might want to try to convince her to get into therapy and possibly temporarily on anti-depressants. I am not a big advocate of taking any form of pill or whatever to alter moods. But I understand that in some cases, severe depressions can be treated with a combination of therapy and short term use of medication. I wish you well. [This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited September 13, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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fishy Junior Member |
posted September 13, 2000 05:11 PM
Thanks Lisanne. I should have mentioned that she has and continues to be on meds. That has helped the depression immensely but may have contributed to the aversion. However, her doc has put her on another antidepressant specifically for this problem. It has been some time now, but things are still the same. Also, we both see a therapist, together and separately. IP: Logged |
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roger Member |
posted September 13, 2000 08:38 PM
A couple of things to think about: Make sure to state publicly (to both the therapist and your wife) that you will be open to changing anything or trying anything to improve things. Don't say "improve things for me" say "improve anything and everything in our marriage. Almost BEG for suggestions Encourage the therapist to give you (both) ideas and exercises to help you both be responsive to each others needs. Make sure there is feedback in subsequent sessions to see what techniques are comfortable, useful, helpful Remember, if all you will be talking about is your discouragement and her depression and the causes for both, you will take the long, expensive way to nowhere. Don't tell anyone else that she is sexually averse. She probably is terribly distressed about it and the anti-depressant meds are making it worse. Be PATIENT! It is so easy for men to look too anxious and it just squirrels the whole deal. Therapist are VERY RELUCTANT to support a man that looks desperate. Their job is to protect the woman. (Talk about traditional roles) Good Luck R IP: Logged |
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LYNN31 Junior Member |
posted September 14, 2000 06:57 AM
Hello Fishy, First question that came to mind is how old is your wife? She kind of reminds me of myself when we first got married. I never liked sex much because I didnt like myself and the teenage boys I had my first experience with made sex look like a waste of time. I had this hang up about my unperfect body that couldnt possibly compare to what my H would see on tv. Sounds lame I know, but we women sometimes feel inferior to all the perfect 20 year old, 100lbs. blonde girls you men love to look at. This may not be her hang up, but its something to think about. Do you often tell her how beautiful you think she is? If this is something that bothers her, you could help her by reassuring her you love her the way she is and think shes beautiful. It took alot of time for me, but I did finally come around and now my H and I get together 3-4 times a week. It used to be everyday when we worked the same shift. We've been married almost 12 years now. Hope I may have helped in some way. Keep posting! IP: Logged |
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fishy Junior Member |
posted September 14, 2000 11:33 AM
Roger and Lynne31, Thank you very much. Roger - you are right about getting nowhere by only talking about my discouragement and her depression. I will take your advice and ask for specific suggestions, etc. Last night we had a horrible fight - probably the worse ever. I thought it could very well be the end of our marriage. Well, I found out some interesting things that I was somewhat unaware of. I have been trying so hard to meet her needs, but I have apparently done a poor job. Lisanne is correct - she has huge amts of anger and resentment that I was largely unaware of. Much of it has to do with the fact that my unhappiness regarding intimacy in all forms shows. She says I am always moping about, blaming her for my unhappiness. I can certainly see her point. But how can I act ok about something that is not ok? I need to be treated like a husband. Marriage is a special relationship that differs from all other relationships because of the sexual component. It's a catch 22 for us. She needs me to be/act a certain way that is very hard for me to do because my need is unmet. This in turn makes her more angry at me, and even less likely to be able to meet my needs. Lynn - I do tell her how beautiful she is all the time. And I don't do it to be nice, it's truly from the heart. We're both in pretty bad shape right now after that blow-up last night. I just don't know what to do right now. IP: Logged |
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K Member |
posted September 14, 2000 11:44 AM
fishy, If you've lurked here, you know my advice... I'd suggest that you call MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639), and make an appointment with Jennifer Harley (not Steve). Not that I don't love Steve like a brother... but I think your wife will be much more comfortable with a woman. With that step done, you should make the appointment "for yourself" first. Let your wife know, but unless she asks to participate, don't mention it. Jennifer will help you get started on doing a better job meeting her needs and avoiding lovebusting. Along the way (let Jennifer decide when), she'll want to talk to your wife about how you're doing. This talk will likely lead to getting your wife "hooked" on the process, especially if you're doing a good job. You say you're seeing a therapist. What are they doing to help? Are they psychoanalytic, or behavioral based? It doesn't seem that the therapist is helping much at all---and it might be a good thing to try a switch. IP: Logged |
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Harlequin99 Member |
posted September 14, 2000 12:08 PM
fishy, You've kind of answered your own question here. Judging by your post you have made wonderful efforts in self-recognition, and obviously acknowledge the problem and your own contributions to the problem. You've won a huge part of the battle! Now Act!!
quote: The answer is keep trying. Someone that walks around in a huff all day is not appealing. Ask me - I live with that. I don't want to give my H SF because every day he manages to LB in some petty way. (Good news is, he's starting to absorb the material here, and really try not to let his temper/disappointment get the better of him.) And, I'm not saying you're petty, however, you are upsetting her. I would try giving up the attitude. I would work on being happy on the outside, even if I wasn't necessarily happy on the inside. If I felt that this was too much of a lie, then I would take some small stupid accomplishment and tell myself that it was really great so that I could be happy. It would be my happy attitude that would intrigue her and she would pay attention to me again. I would again be a pleasant companion to share time, fun, and Yes sex with. H IP: Logged |
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fishy Junior Member |
posted September 14, 2000 12:10 PM
Thanks K, I'll consider that. I like our therapist. She is the only person I can really vent to. I think I need to take Rogers advice and ask our therapist for suggestions and ideas on trying to meet each others needs and for getting out of this catch-22, vicious cycle thing. I'll consider your suggestion about Jennifer also. IP: Logged |
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fishy Junior Member |
posted September 14, 2000 12:18 PM
Harlequinn99, Yeah, it's funny - I know the answers, but applying them effectively is very difficult to say the least. I can go long periods being jovial, happy, NO sexual stress put on her whatsoever. Then - something stupid happens - a silly argument that is not really anything. It escalates into a full scale dumping of pent up anger...(for her too). Again - I know that better communication is needed. Why is it so hard??? IP: Logged |
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PensiveGG Junior Member |
posted September 17, 2000 02:42 PM
Hello Fishy! I wanted to throw my $0.02 in here. Not necesarily on the sex part, but something else you wrote struck a chord: you stated you recently had a big blow up over issues that you were unfamiliar with. Well, for 11 years I had issues with my H, that I didn't even understand (I was blaming the issues on everything else: job, stress, kids). Finally one day I realized my problems were with my relationship with my H. My H was shocked at all my pent up fury. I have subsequently read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (among reading a million other things) and this really hit home. Though many of the ideas are presented in a pretty juvenile fashion, the ideas are so right on. I would suggest among what others have suggested (especially K--my H and I are both "seeing" Dr. S. Harley), that your wife read the book. It might help her understand herself and you a bit better to attempt to understand the issues. I can go on and on about this subject. You might want to read a realtively old thread "Ladies and gentlemen, meet my wife"--it is my story. Take care! -Gwynne IP: Logged |
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