posted September 18, 2000 03:56 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by ecurb1:
I basically negotiated an agreement with W for total abstinance for a 2 month period.

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Gee, what a triumph in bargaining that was!

I put that on the table last week, when she was talking about feeling "pressured". I actually think it would be better for me to have no expectations of having my needs met than have them met in the present apathetic manner. I proposed going 30 days without, and then maybe she would sort of have her head cleared and get her desire back.

She didn't want to do that. Harley didn't think it was a good idea either.

In the end, I still want SF but when I don't get it (as in the current case) I don't pile on a bunch of LBing behavior and don't have to deal with the rejection and frustration as personal worth issues. [/QUOTE]

You know....this reminded me of something...I think my W and I had almost sort of worked out the SF disparity as a "drive" issue...we had depersonalized it. I wasn't taking it personal.

But then along comes Harley and MB, and it turns out that she "isn't in love" and that her disinterest in meeting my needs IS because of a lack of love. Hard not to take that personal.

I believe that Harley's theory is the truth, hard as it is to face.

posted September 18, 2000 04:15 PM            

Are you saying that you feel this way?

If you’re having great sex once a week at least you’re getting part of your needs met.

<sigh> I don't know. That is like saying if you had one meal a week at least you are having some of your food needs met. So you are basically starving and, let's say, "married" to the situation. Maybe it would be better to go hunting.

The way I have it figured is once we finally do have great erotic sex I’ll say [b] That’s it Thank God, that’s want I want 4 times a week

Well, I don't have any quality complaints, so I feel that way now. I don't know about my W...it seems like a circular argument. She says she enjoys it more when she doesn't feel "pressure". So....supposedly....when she enjoys it more, she should want it more, and there shouldn't be the need for "pressure".

arrgghhhh...

By the way, lest anyone mistake this, I have never "pressured" my W in any overt fashion whatsoever. She calls the shots on initiating, even more so lately. In fact, Steve Harley asked me why I don't just ask her for sex when I need it, and I said "That's not what we do. She would freak."

Maybe that is half the problem, me having no control or even say in the issue. I feel like a maze rat hoping a pellet is going to drop out of the slot tonite.

posted September 18, 2000 04:24 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by istillwannatry:
Ask sometime about the quickie. Even tho my drive is more than my H, I can't say that at all times I want to do it. If he wanted to have a quickie where I wasn't expectd to have an O, that would be acceptable to me too.

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Youi know, I thought over the winter we had a pretty good agreement worked out, where once in awhile I could ask for <ahem> a favor, or a quickie. I had read somewhere that what women resent is not so much engaging in intimacy but in being "forced" into sexual excitement when they weren't desirous. If you follow.

However, for some reason that didn't work too well. A few times when I was expecting a regular lovemaking session, my W said she just wanted to do a quickie, and I was let down. And she was usually evasive the few times I asked for a quickie or a favor, making excuses for time or whatnot. The other night, she said it didn't matter, she would still feel "pressure" and she didn't want to address the possibility.

posted September 18, 2000 04:27 PM            

Well, right now we have this schedule thing worked out, so that isn't in the deal. But in the past, any sort of unscheduled request met with a steely veto, or, at infrequently best, some sort of sulky agreement which took the joy out of it anyway.

posted September 18, 2000 04:51 PM            

quote:

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I get that, too. It's like having to walk the dog everyday. You know you should do it. You usually forget it. And when you remember at 10:30 as you climb into the bed you think "Crap! Can't that wait until tomorrow. I am so tired." Either you get out of the bed to go walk that dog or you stay in the bed and hope the dog won't notice.

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This is probably exactly how your wives feel about doing it for the sake of fulfilling your need and not because they have a desire. Reasons for less desire can be quite varied. They can range from no loving feelings left (if that was true, she wouldn't even consider doing it fo fulfill your need, she wouldn't care if you had one) to way too overwhelmed with the rest of life to even think about it to a psycholigical aversion to it (from some kiind of past trauma) or simply a chemical difference that makes her desire a little less than yours.

posted September 18, 2000 04:58 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
Mike, what does your wife say it is? Does she say that it is a lack of in-love feelings?

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Oh, I've heard everything. Before we went into counseling with Steve Harley, she would just say that her drive was less, and complain that it was becoming a "chore".

Now she is thinking more about it, and admitting that her feelings of love, or lack thereof, have a lot to do with it. She has never said she is not "in love", but never corrects me or Steve when we use that terminology. So we are working on all that, and I think she is hopeful that it will improve.

posted September 18, 2000 05:00 PM            

I hope you can help me answer this. When my marriage was good, my H, like many of you, had to ask, initiate and yes, I'm sorry to say, sometimes beg me for sex. Reading what many of you had to say from time to time made me realize the error of my ways.

Just a quick recap--My H. says he loves me but does not know if he is "in love" w/me and we both think he is suffering from depression and he won't get help for the depression or our marriage.

posted September 18, 2000 05:00 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dogbert:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by ecurb1:
[b] That was under "Beating the Hormones"

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posted September 18, 2000 05:13 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Mike C2:

Maybe that is half the problem, me having no control or even say in the issue. I feel like a maze rat hoping a pellet is going to drop out of the slot tonite.

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posted September 18, 2000 05:21 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
This is probably exactly how your wives feel about doing it for the sake of fulfilling your need and not because they have a desire. Reasons for less desire can be quite varied. They can range from no loving feelings left (if that was true, she wouldn't even consider doing it fo fulfill your need, she wouldn't care if you had one) to way too overwhelmed with the rest of life to even think about it to a psycholigical aversion to it (from some kiind of past trauma) or simply a chemical difference that makes her desire a little less than yours.

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Yep. All those reasons. So what do you do? Find an energetic, together woman with no past traumas who loves you and likes to f***,
then marry her and find out later she really didn't like it that much after all?
That'll never happen.

posted September 18, 2000 05:33 PM            

Being more sexually available to him is most likely not the cure for what happened to your marriage but as long as he enjoys sex it will be a plus. If he is in withdrawal he may not want that need met right now, if this is the case just remind him on occasion in a loving way that this gift is available to him and if he refuses try not to take it as rejection. I know that’s easier said than done.

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Scott

posted September 18, 2000 05:55 PM            

Thanks for your reply and advice! I think my H. is out of the withdrawal stage and more into conflict right now, so that is hopefully a good sign!

He seems to be receptive to sex and is sometimes even initiating it himself, which even though I realize it is not a cure for our marriage troubles, I feel it must be a huge deposit in his love bank--am I wrong???

posted September 18, 2000 06:13 PM            

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