posted September 18, 2000 07:47 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by ecurb1:
The only way I was able to get ANY say at all was to enforce abstinance.

---

posted September 18, 2000 08:46 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wifeofcop:
I guess what I am asking, especially to those like Mike and Dogbert is this: if your wife was meeting your sexual needs how much easier would it be for you to want to work on the other issues that are weak in your marriage?

---

Ummmm....well, Karenna has a different theory here, that men behave best when sex is granted sparingly. Or at least that is what she sazw in her H. Or something like that, please don't sue me Karenna

Me....absolutely. Maybe it is because I am with the MB program. Frankly, I just tossed my W's EN and LB queries back to her and say "Ok" to everything.

Now on the intangibles...the attitude, the being happy, etc...yes, it makes it extremely difficult when I don't get my SF need met.

posted September 18, 2000 09:44 PM            

Maybe it would do some good to take a good honest look at your wife's life and ask yourself, "If I had to accomplish everything she does, would I have any energy left over for sex?" Does your wife hold down a job? Take care of a family? Shoulder domestic responsibilites largely by herself? Manage the organizational tasks of a household, such as meal planning and shopping, driving the kids to activities and sports, etc? When you are really busy and have a tiring life, and you are on your feet ironing the last two hours of the evening while your H lays on the couch, it is difficult to muster up any energy for the carnal pleasures of life. It's a lot easier for the person who was laying on the couch.

Then after you take a look at your wife's life, maybe you could look yourself over with a critical eye. Most husbands aren't exactly like they were on they day they wed their beloved. I know that in the normal course of life, hair falls out or turns gray, people get wrinkly, etc. This is all normal and beautiful and part of growing old together. Burping right in front of someone is NOT normal and beautiful. Farting in bed is NOT normal and beautiful. Coming to bed stinking is NOT normal and beautiful. Letting your weight creep up until you look like a toddler when naked is NOT normal and beautiful. How much like your just married self are you? THAT was the man she was sexually attracted to. And her life was easier and less tiring then also.

BE THAT MAN AND GIVE HER THAT LIFE AGAIN.

posted September 18, 2000 10:23 PM            

I think it would be better to concentrate on the quality, not the quantity. H and I have a once or twice a week kinda marriage.
But that once a week is good enough to carry the warm feelings till the next time. I don't remember him or me obsessing about the number of times a week. When the kids were little, it was all we could do to get sleep, much less exercise at bedtime.

I was wondering what kind of work you do?
MY H is a millwright, gets up at 5am works a hard 9 hr day. When his head hits the pillow, its lights out.

I don't think the amount of times a week you get SF should be a barometer for a succesful marriage.

Just my opinion
Toni

posted September 18, 2000 11:15 PM            

I A M A W O M A N

I want SEX at LEAST once a week!
(I think this happened ONCE this year)
But, as you know....things aren't always perfect in the land of love.

Mike, you have to accept that you cannot program your wife the way you program the VCR. She may not always TURN ON at 10:00
for you, and some times, might just turn off unexpectedly, FROM YOU! She has a lower drive, like my husband does, and let me tell you...I can't even get him to commit to the once a week thing, so, yes, I would KISS THE SKY. You have expressed to me about taking small steps...well Mike, it is time for a bite of humble pie, in my opinion.

BE HAPPY FOR ONE MOMENT...ENJOY IT TO THE FULLEST...AND DON'T WORRY IF YOU WILL
"GET IT" TOMORROW.....
She just may come around, since she has met you THIS FAR!!! I would congratulate you and your wife for all your hard work!

posted September 18, 2000 11:39 PM            

Good question. But energy has never been expressed by my W as a reason. Desire has been. I don't think the problem is energy, I think it is her level of love. Steve Harley agrees with this assessment. I think my wife does too.

Does your wife hold down a job? Take care of a family? Shoulder domestic responsibilites largely by herself?

No. Yes. Has a regular maid service and I help out....make beds in the morning, like that. Has a household budget that could easily support both full time nanny or maid help if she wanted. Has enough free time to donate hours every week at church and the kid's schools.

In other words, if it is time, I'm ticked off.

Then after you take a look at your wife's life, maybe you could look yourself over with a critical eye. Most husbands aren't exactly like they were on they day they wed their beloved.

Well, point taken, but I'm 6'1", 181 lbs, about 4-6 lbs less than when we were married. Full head of curly hair, blue eyes....I'm told I look better than when I was younger. W rated me a right hand column on the attractive mate EN question.

I don't think this is an issue, or, at least, I don't think there is much I can do about it. I wish it was that simple....

Burping right in front of someone is NOT normal and beautiful. Farting in bed is NOT normal and beautiful. Coming to bed stinking is NOT normal and beautiful. Letting your weight creep up until you look like a toddler when naked is NOT normal and beautiful. How much like your just married self are you?

<sigh> I don't do any of that, Diane....if anything, my W thinks I am a snob on hygiene and manners. I drill the kids like Julie Andrews.

posted September 18, 2000 11:42 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Karenna:
How far did you get in "the book," Mike?

---

lol...I've bween trying to figure out how you would skewer me on this thread, Karenna

No, I haven't read it yet. I'll add it on to my marital homework.

How are you feeling?

posted September 18, 2000 11:49 PM            

Well, that's terrible and I certainly have a lot of sympathy for you.

I don't think my W was anywhere near that stage. She has always been in "control" of the initiating. She probably did it mnore than she wanted too, out of duty of whatever, but I certainly never coerced her. And I honestly believe she has always physically enjoyed sex over the course of our relationship. I mean, I guess so....f***..what do I know anymore?

I just caught a piece of that Harrison Ford movie where his wife dies in a plane crash while having an affair. He says "I'm trying to remember the last thing about my marriage that I know to be true." That's how I feel lately...

I've always maintained that problems inside the bed are directly related to what's going on outside the bed.

Agreed.

You know, just writing this I can feel the anger and resentment.

Welcome to my thread. Beers are in the fridge over there.

posted September 18, 2000 11:57 PM            

Well, it was okay on the honeymoon 14 years ago, should I rest on those laurels?

In other words, I agree, but you still need to define terms, and everybody is different.

I was wondering what kind of work you do?

I edit porn movies, 9 to 5, all day long.

No, just kidding, I ride a desk, own a small consulting firm, no heavy lifting.

I don't think the amount of times a week you get SF should be a barometer for a successful marriage.

No number of anything should be. Happiness of both parties should be.

In fact, I really think that if our marriage were better, if I had an affectionate loving wife, if we were secure in our relationship....I don't know, maybe this would be less of an issue.

Just my opinion

posted September 19, 2000 12:07 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by carina dream:
Does she truly realize how much you need sex?? Just wondering....

---

Well....I mean, how do you express that? I don't cry and beg, that is not my style. She knows because we have disagreed on it for years. I don't know if any woman knows how a man feels. Look at some of the responses here. I think it is a need that the sexes view very differently.

We were both on with Steve Harley tonite. His answer was basically what you can see throughout his teachings. If you love someone you care about these things. If you don't, you don't. She is in withdrawal. You don't much give a damn about your partner's needs when you are in withdrawal, I gather. He says get her to fall in love and she will care. So, we are working on that.

If it happens before I get up in a tower with a rifle, everything will be fine

posted September 19, 2000 12:10 AM            

quote:

---

So what do you do? Find an energetic, together woman with no past traumas who loves you and likes to f***,
then marry her and find out later she really didn't like it that much after all?

---

Guilty!

Or it starts to be and feel so bad I can't believe I ever used to like it.

Sex is never about sex unless you are desperately trying to get pregnant. Even then, isn't that an ulterior motive that hinders everything? Even conception!

quote:

---

How are you feeling?

---

Emotionally, better than I have any right to feel. Very uncomfortable physically most of the time. This is new for me. I credit lots of prayers by others on my behalf for helping me cope and relieving the pain etc.

quote:

---

Happiness of both parties should be.

---

Your OWN happiness is a lousy "value" to have. It pretty much guarantees you a rotten life. Making others happy is just the opposite.

posted September 19, 2000 12:38 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mike C2:
Well, I don't have any quality complaints, so I feel that way now.

---

Are you sure about that one? I've found that quality of sex, with a good attitude (key word) satisfies my H much more than increased frequency. Do you think that could be partially why you aren't happy with the twice a week plan?

quote:

---

She says she enjoys it more when she doesn't feel "pressure".....

By the way, lest anyone mistake this, I have never "pressured" my W in any overt fashion whatsoever.

---

You don't have to be overt about it. She knows what you want, when you want it...that you'll be disappointed and hurt if you don't get it, and how she'll feel if she doesn't give it to you.

Unfortunately part of the pressure factor has to do with her. She puts pressure on herself because she can see what you want and need. Pressure doesn't always come from a direct approach. It also comes just with the knowledge that you're not okay with it if you don't have sex n times during the week.

Now, of course you can't just turn down your frequency desire meter just as much as she can't turn hers up (or on). All I can say is that when my H showed me that he could accept not having sex 3-4 times a week, I felt a whole lot better about it when we did have it. He wouldn't pout, complain or get angry with me about it. It didn't seem like a chore because I knew I didn't have to do it if I really didn't want to. I still don't WANT to much, but at least I'm not averse to it anymore.

Baby steps, baby steps...

posted September 19, 2000 07:05 AM            

Maybe your #1 EN isn't SF, maybe it is affection, then admiration. But the only time you feel these is during SF?? I used to want sex more because it felt like that was the only time I got affection. When I realized this, I quit giving SF. That's why I came here to MB. I only went 4 weeks before I pulled out the stops and went for help with a counselor. When H and I started reading HNHN, we were both enlightened. He even said, "I really don't need cuddling and hugging as much as you but if that is what makes you happy, I can do it."

Well, once we got in the habit of more active affection, our SF increased. So maybe, you are trying to get other needs met through SF, when, if these other needs were met then SF would follow.

The other thing is, once I felt like H loved me all the time, not just during sex, I became more responsive, and interested in SF.