posted September 19, 2000 04:57 PM            

Let me clarify some points. I didn't marry my husband to have sex. I could get sex from anyone at anytime. I married my husband because I loved (and still do) him and wanted to share my life with him. My body belongs to me and his belongs to him (as well as our minds, hearts and souls). When we make love we gift each other with our bodies. It is not here for him to "use" nor is his for me to "use". We are here for the enjoyment of each other.

No, we do not have a perfect sex life, there are times that either he or I do not want to and we have to respect the others wishes. I hope to God that my husband married me because he loved me and not because I was going to be a free sex machine. There is more to me than that. We should be able to meet each other emotional and physical needs outside and inside the bedroom. When those needs are not met by either of us, our love life suffers. You feel hurt and used.

I do not force my husband to BEG or PLEAD for sex. So do not make assumptions about me that you do not know. I have NEVER EVER made him plead. If we cannot understand each others needs and try to meet them then we are in serious trouble.

IF I did not wish to be married, I wouldn't be, if I wanted a roommate I'd get another dog. I want a loving, healthy relationship with my husband where we BOTH try to make the other happy and try not to concern ourselves with what would make OURSELVES happy.

Being a Christian (I am) has nothing to do with this or not. I am not for "dutiful" sex. I want a mutually happy sexual relationship.

posted September 19, 2000 05:17 PM            

Look, Lonelyheart, I did not create the statement that "you don't own your own body", and there is no one who is less interested in joyless, emotionless encounters than I am, either. I am trying to make a point, the one that ecurb got, and MikeC2 did not. Of course, the emotional bond is essential, and of course almost everything you said.

Beyond all of that, however, is the point that sex, in a manner that is satisfactory to the spousal partner for whom it is the strongest emotional need, is critical to a healthy marriage. And, if your husband owns your body (the Apostle Paul's words, not mine, so take it up with him!), you own his as well. And a husband has an enormously burdensome directive, to love his wife "as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it."

I react to this because I have seen so many posts by people who seem to believe that determination of lovemaking, frequency and timing, are, to infer from the comments and context, the discretion (read: mood) of the wife, period, because it's her body, which sounds like Gloria Steinem's fish without a bicycle comment of a couple of decades ago (note that Gloria swam her way to claim her very own bicycle last month....).

Any wife who casually and whimsically rejects her husband without having a VERY good reason is, per the Scripture, wrong. That is the only point I wanted to make- such comments are all too frequently tossed around as though the issue were the equivalent of "I don't feel like taking the garbage out till next Tuesday".

Again, there is no emotional need that can't somehow be satisfied in an acceptable manner outside of marriage- admiration, conversation, domestic support (hire a maid), etc.- except sexual fulfillment. I just think that that reality is all too often glossed over or rationalized using latter-day gender feminist (note the difference between "equity feminists" and "gender feminists"- it is major) cliches- and the marriages where that occurs pay a price.

posted September 19, 2000 05:23 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Mike C2:
Well....my W was more of a clerical type, and wilted under any sort of recognition. I think she was one of those rare people for whom "work was its own reward".

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I've been kind of identifying with your wife since I started lurking a couple of months ago. My input, for what it's worth:

I like to be praised, I don't like to be fussed over. It embarrasses me to be the center of attention. And whatever you do, don't act SURPRISED that I did whatever you're impressed by (I'm a competent adult, after all). A low-key Hey I like that! or That was good! will do nicely, thank you.

posted September 19, 2000 06:07 PM            

Not your fault. I've been on message boards for 16 years, back to the beginning of Compuserve. I've learned to interact with the people that are enjoyable or that you can learn from, and you filter out the rest. I have plenty of stress in the real world...I don't need to come here to fight and argue

I appreciate your viewpoint...it helps me understand my W. I'd like it if you could post in the thread I directed to Harlequin here.

posted September 19, 2000 06:13 PM            

Thanks for your thoughts. I was full of praise today when I got home. Things like "No kitchen fires today???? Good girl!!!!"

No, just kidding But I did make a point to compliment her on the dinner and some household projects.

Are there opportunities for volunteer work that she might be interested in?

She volunteers at her church and at school. I encourage that.

Thanks for posting.

posted September 19, 2000 07:34 PM            

Point well taken. I do understand your values and where you are coming from. I also want to point out that my Husband vowed to love, honor and cherish me. What happened to that?

We all have different point of views and that is what makes us unique. WHen a spouse has withdrawn from you emotionally and physically it does hurt. Granted, I know that. I do live it on a daily basis.

To each his own-believe me I am not a big fan of divorce here. I cannot fathom the way people toss away a marriage because they refuse to work together and try to solve the problems that surround them.

I am not a Gloria Steinam (sp-sorry) fan. I just believe what I believe. It may be right or may be wrong and I know not everyone would agree w/me. Believe me, I'd like nothing more to understand what goes on in my Husbands head. It is like a vicious cycle sometimes....

posted September 19, 2000 07:45 PM            

I have come to the conclusion that you just don't get everything you want in life. I have started finding ways to make myself happy, like being more involved in my kid's activities, in order to be happy. I think it's a safer bet to be responsible for your own happiness, rather than depending on someone else for it. I don't depend on H making me happy by meeting my needs. Ain't gonna happen!

posted September 19, 2000 10:32 PM            

I am a Seven, although the types are less definitive than the BM types.

interesting, I have way too many books to read now, in that I just spent $200 at Barnes & Nobles this weekend.!

thl

posted September 20, 2000 02:11 AM            

quote:

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What would be the best type for me to marry?" The correct answer is either a type that's healthy, or one that loves you, preferably both.

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posted September 20, 2000 08:33 AM            

quote:

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I think you just have to grow up and get happiness on your own

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Great advice.

posted September 20, 2000 09:04 AM            

Jeez...is that how my persona is coming off here? I'll have to work on being more approachable. Sometimes the east coast sarcasm doesn't translate. Actually, I view dialoguing with withdrawn wives as the key to figuring out my own W. I appreciate your insights.

I read that article....very interesting. I would say that the book Just Your Type was a total turning point for my W. The description and stories in there were eerie they were so right on. It also allowed her to take some of the traits that we had harped on in one another as "weaknesses" and simply accept them.

There was one example in there were couples of our personailty types were advised to take two cars to parties, to allow the ISFJ to split early and the ENFP to stay and socialize. We've been doing that for years! It made us both laugh.

Where can I find my enne whatever number? Is there an online site?

posted September 20, 2000 09:09 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Karenna:
I guess I'm a type 5, and INTP. So many people hide the strengths of their MBTI profile under fears and defenses, this has got to help.

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Hmmm....I guess I'm maybe a 7...or a 3. Both of them are written up in sort of a negative fashion

posted September 20, 2000 09:32 AM            

My INFP self not surprising scored a 9 with close seconds in 2 (I think) and the Artist.

And Mike...when your wife made the statement of assuming you someday would D, what context was that in?