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 Marriage Builders Discussion Forums
 Emotional Needs
 SF frequency (Page 1)
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| Author | Topic: SF frequency |
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Mike C2 Member |
posted September 18, 2000 11:32 AM
  
<vent alert> Okay, it seems like my MB experiences is boiling down to where my W and I always thought it was heading....a sex drive disparity. We are in counseling with Steve....he says that once W is back in love, she will want to meet my SF needs, all will be better. I'm betting the farm on that. Discouraging negotiating session with W last night...actually, not really negotiating, she presented her "plan" to meet my needs. Basically, on the SF front, it boiled down to 2 half hour, or whatever, lovemaking sessions per week. I know, I know, to many of you here, that would be a dream deal. To me, right now, it is sort of close but no cigar....I think one more maybe one "quickie" thrown in there would have made me a happy camper. So...am I an abnormally horny guy, or what up? Part of the issue here, I think is that sex became the only marital bonding between us over the years, as my W was very emotionally withdrawn and offered literally no affection. As you can imagine, the sex wasn't that great anyway, but it was there in quantity, sort of like army food. So, I'm used to that frequency....every other night, no more that 2 nights without. Sort of a sleeping pill. Now, 3 and sometimes 4 days without, I'm freaking out. W, of course, was probably on her way to becoming sexually averse, putting out w/o being in love, etc. I understand that. But I'm 5 months into Plan A here....she really couldn't come up with any complaints on ENs or LBs....minor things that she admitted I had already largely addressed as long as a year ago. <sigh> So....what was depressing is how inflexible she was on the SF subject, and how she seems to really DREAD any sort of more frequent sexual schedule, or, god forbid, spontaneous sex or quickies or favors. She says she'll fall back into not wanting to do it at all, and that lately she has wanted to again for the first time in a long time. arrgghhh....any advice? I find it is like a battery charge....we make love, I'm happy for a day, then it starts to drain down. By the third or fourth day, I'm resentful and angry, I don't even want to make love. <Mike leaves to go kick dog>
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shedawg Member |
posted September 18, 2000 11:42 AM
MikeC2....why put so much pressure on your wife to have sex? Being a parent with two small children I understand the need to make sexual dates but outside of that I don't really understand. Let her come around. Take some pressure off her and she just might come around alot quicker. I understand everyone's "need" for sexual fullfillment but not at the expense of pushing your spouse away and making them feel bad. Just my own personal feelings would be that if my H was harping on me for sex I would get to feeling like that's all he wanted me for. Try connecting with her on a different level and take sex out of it completely. IP: Logged |
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kam6318 Member |
posted September 18, 2000 11:44 AM
Well, the good news is that while you may not be quite normal  , I don't think you are abnormally horny. Long ago, when we did EN q'aires, my H said 3-4 times a week would be good, but 7-10 times would be ideal.OK, next good news. She's OK with 2x week, and you think if she'd throw in an additional quickie...you'd be OK too. So, you guys aren't that far apart...really, pretty close! And, she is recovering some interest on her own. And you are still working on things... I know you are getting tired and discouraged, but it sounds like things are progressing. Don't give up too soon... Hang in there-- Kathi IP: Logged |
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c00ker Member |
posted September 18, 2000 11:54 AM
Hi Mike, I think Kathi's right, you two are reasonably close. I don't know if my wife will ever provide me SF again If it were me, I'd do everything to ensure that her efforts to provide you SF were incredibly pleasurable experiences for her, FIRST! Then you second. That would surely make her interest peak. Good luck and make sure she has fun too.... ------------------ [This message has been edited by c00ker (edited September 18, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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Promised Forever Member |
posted September 18, 2000 12:52 PM
Mike, Maybe you can find some encouragement here. My wife is becoming more and more giving as we go along. When we did our EN list I asked for twice a week and mentioned that every day would be great. She laughed at the latter and did not give a commitment to the twice a week deal either. When I did the EN list I was partially in withdrawal and really did not know exactly what my needs were. After a little more emotional attachment I realized that I didn’t want to go more than 1 night without SF. I was able to amend my original request and just fairly recently she has been willing to met this need. We do continue to struggle with quality but we are making headway, it’s just at a slower pace and in our case there is no precedent of great sex to use as a model. I know the grass is always greener somewhere else but I really think that I would rather give up daily army food for a weekly 5-course gourmet meal. I negotiated for frequency first (the easier of the two to negotiate IMO), looking back on it I’m not sure that it was the smartest move but I don’t think I’m stuck either. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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2sad4words Member |
posted September 18, 2000 02:20 PM
Mike, <slap, slap> I hereby challenge you for the title of most abnormally horny guy. OK, all kidding aside, your wife, in a negotiating session, AGREED/COMMITTED to twice a week? Hey - you are LUCKY. I know it may not be ideal, but it is a lot better than nothing and it is better than no commitment at all. I would trade places with you in a minute. In my situation the only commitment to meet my need is in the theoretical sense. When it comes to making firm plans or even "let's shoot for twice a week" I get no agreement at all. Heaven help me, it makes me feel like dirt. Weeks go by for one reason or another (each one on its own being totally legitimate and inarguable). But when you put them all together, it is the same old thing - marital neglect. I don't mean for you to just shut up an be happy with what you are getting if that isn't meeting your need. I'm just saying that it is not a BAD starting point. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Mike C2 Member |
posted September 18, 2000 02:21 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Promised Forever: Maybe you can find some encouragement here. My wife is becoming more and more giving as we go along. <confused> You mean...she might date me, too? When we did our EN list I asked for twice a week and mentioned that every day would be great. I appreciate you posting to me. I don't think many women can relate to this problem with guys. I think it is a male thing. It is almost like a physical pain. Plus, I can't sleep. I go slip into bed next to my sexy little wife sleeping in her negligee and just seethe. I think part of our problem is that my W has this role model in her head of her parents, who basically were in-house separated from age 35 on. She thinks it is right and natural for desire to fade away. She also seems to think that twice a week is abnormally frequent. In the past, I've tried to find some sort of statistics on this, but have never found anything helpful (i.e.: that work in my favor After a little more emotional attachment I realized that I didn’t want to go more than 1 night without SF. I was able to amend my original request and just fairly recently she has been willing to met this need. Thgat is exactly where I'm at. I saw someone post sopmething here once about men's testosterone rebuilding 48 hours after release, or some such thing. Anyway, that is where my body clock is. It seems like such a minor thing to make your spouse happy, an extra 15 minute quickie a week. Twice a week sounds like a lot, but if you have a tight schedule and have to cancel one, like I often do, it means an 8 or 9 day stretch of making love once. Her attitude is just like...NO. I've gone about 6 months without a major lovebust, and I feel this one coming from my shoes. We do continue to struggle with quality but we are making headway, it’s just at a slower pace and in our case there is no precedent of great sex to use as a model. What are your quality "issues"? We've actually been doing great on that front. A lot of improvement. Although, I pushed for doing it in the morning the other day, and she was very withdrawn and uncomfortable. I was like OH GREAT! I just blew my whole weeks ration !!! IP: Logged |
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ecurb1 Member |
posted September 18, 2000 02:30 PM
It's funny, in a painful sort of way, that SF was the initial issue on my part that started my MB experience as well. My W had withdrawn and had an EA. I've been through tons of issues with her over the past six months or so and we are right back to SF. I'm meeting all her needs (according to her) so she is much happier and says she is "In love" again. my SF has gotten much better, not because of frequency (desired 7-10/week - acceptable 3/week - actual 1/7-10 days) or of quality (very restricted activity before and now) but because there is no longer the begging, rejection, frustration,and resentment associated with it. I posted earlier that I was able to control my drive and this is why each episode is so much better than before. What I am finding, though, is that I'm wondering "Is this as good as it gets?" and when I do that, her Love bank account balance goes down. So even though I'm in control of my drive, the need is still there and unmet. IP: Logged |
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Mike C2 Member |
posted September 18, 2000 02:38 PM
quote: I guess I missed that. What is your advice there? And don't say "masturbate". I haven't done that since junior high. IP: Logged |
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2sad4words Member |
posted September 18, 2000 02:51 PM
Mike, Can't sleep? Oh yeah. I HATE that. They shoot us down, roll over and start snoring while we lay awake in misery. And yes, it is physically uncomfortable. I don't understand why it is asking so much for them to devote a few minutes to relieve this misery from us. Beyond consideration. Unthinkable. To ask is to LB. If it was a drink of water, some food, some medicine would they be so callous? Why do we want to continue to put ourselves at their mercy? ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Mike C2 Member |
posted September 18, 2000 02:59 PM
quote: I've been in both camps. Not getting your needs met is not getting your needs met. If your income isn't meeting your expenses, it doesn't matter whether you get paid weekly or bi-weekly, or in gold, for that matter. Actually, the most galling thing isn't the sex, it is the attitude. If my wife was, god forbid, sick or injured for an extended period, I don't think I would be nerve-wracked over an absence of sex. It is her apathy toward my needs that bugs the cr@p out of me. Okay, to be fair, relative apathy. But she is so stubborn about it. Maybe this is the move from withdrawal to conflict. But it sure feels just like withdrawal did. IP: Logged |
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TruthSeeker Member |
posted September 18, 2000 03:08 PM
Reading this thread and the other one about 'the delay' made me begin to wonder whether this is truly a need that you absolutely must have met or if you managed to find the one thing that you KNEW your wife would have a tough time meeting so you could say that you tried and tried but she wasn't doing her part. And so you're hinging your whole marriage on whether on not she will do what you already believe to be impossible. I don't want to be harsh or anything. I just wanted to point it out as a possibility. I think in some ways I used my H's weight the same way. (It's great to be able to think again!) [This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited September 18, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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ecurb1 Member |
posted September 18, 2000 03:21 PM
quote: That was under "Beating the Hormones" IP: Logged |
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Promised Forever Member |
posted September 18, 2000 03:30 PM
Mike, There can be a point when the actual sexual experiences aren’t all that fulfilling and more of the same can just create resentment. If you’re having great sex once a week at least you’re getting part of your needs met. Frequency can be negotiated and addressed like the need for water, all you have to do is decide to do it and then follow thru. If I came home tonight and said “Honey I’d like to have great, erotic sex tonight" she wouldn’t have a clue but if I told her that I really needed sex tonight she’d give it to me. The way I have it figured is once we finally do have great erotic sex I’ll say That’s it Thank God, that’s want I want 4 times a week
[This message has been edited by Promised Forever (edited September 18, 2000).] IP: Logged |
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Mike C2 Member |
posted September 18, 2000 03:46 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by TruthSeeker: And so you're hinging your whole marriage on whether on not she will do what you already believe to be impossible. Well, cool theory, but I don't think so. First off, I'm the one putting out all the effort on improving the marriage. Secondly, and more to the point, my expectations on sexual frequency aren't some new MLC demand, they are based on a waning frequency from what we had earlier in our marriage. We made love pretty much every night the first 5 or 6 years of our relationship, and then pretty every other night for the next 6 or 7, up to fairly recently. So, it isn't some impossible standard I dreamed up, it was what the divorce lawyers would call the "lifestyle to which I became accustomed". IP: Logged |
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