posted June 02, 2001 12:06 AM            

This is NORMAL on the way to reconciliation. You made a firm stand, she sees you are deadly serious, and very desirable. She comes crying back.

posted June 02, 2001 12:51 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by impulsive:
I'm not sure if I should back off or press forward. The more i back off it seems like she pursues, when I press forward she backs off. It starting to seem like a game I have no interest in playing.

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Don't play the game. Don't back off, and don't press forward. It sure looks to me like your wife is coming around, but it's going to take more time.

posted June 02, 2001 03:45 PM            

Hmmm....sounds like a relationship.

Dcope, I've been down this road, although my W is a lot subtler than yours. After Plan Aing for months and hearing a lot of "we aren't meant for each other", I had a meltdown last fall, and suddenly, faced with a separation, she was very interested in meeting my needs and making me happy.

It is a result of the theory we hacve all been pounding at you -- being strong and independent is attractive, and being needy and clingy is unattractive.

I suppose there could also be a nod to the theory that the withdrawn partner enters intimacy first, but I'm not positive that is actually what is happening here. I think that she was shown the abyss, and, whereas 3-4 months ago she would have said "Fine, leave!", now, the new Dcope has her thinking that maube she needs to keep evaluating.

If I were you, I would walk a line of staying somewhat cool, but polite and casual, and try to POJA some finite marital agreements going forward.

posted June 03, 2001 09:33 AM            

Well, there you go. She understands the dynamic.

After sex she said that she feels that I'm sexually needy.

My W said the same thing. "Even if things get back to going well, we still have this sex imbalance thing." But what I've learned over time is that the sex imbalance thing is somewhat of an illusion....fix the relationship and you solve the problem. A man in a state of intimacy doesn't want to force sex on his tired W. A woman in a state of intimacy WANTS to meet her mate's SF need, even if it means pushing the envelope and having sex when she might otherwise not want to. When you are in a state of intimacy, there is a reward in pleasing your mate or deferring your own needs to give your mate a break. That reward is not there when you are in conflict and your Taker just demands sex, sex, sex; or withdrawal where you turn your interest in meeting your spouse's needs off.

AND...what I found is that for me, SF became the focus of other unmet needs. If I didn't have good communications, feel admired, talk much with my W, and, especially, get enough affection, well, sex made up for it. If I felt insecure in the relationship, sex fixed that. Once some of those issues got taken care of, my SF needs tapered down.

Since sex is an issue with you guys, it would be great if you could reach a compromise where you both agree to stop talking about separation, actually WORK on the marriage via MB methods, and agree to an acceptable sexual schedule, maybe once a week to begin. That way you remove the sexual tension.

Impy, one of the things that changed my W's perception and gave me some leverage was when I stopped pushing for sex, and actually turned her down sometimes when she initiated. I'm not necessarily advising that you do that, but you need to send a signal that you can and will step down your sexual demands in consideration for her current feelings.

posted June 03, 2001 03:45 PM            

I have been reading your story over the last few weeks. I feel compelled to reply at this point. I am sure I'm in the minority, but I think you are making a good choice in focusing on your children and yourself. I don't know you, but I hate seeing you go through this rollercoaster.

And for those who think I don't know what I'm talking about, I do. My husband had a PA six years ago, and I had an EA a few years later. We have been through so much, but through it all, we knew that our family was most important and chose to stay together for our daughters.

I think there is nothing wrong with staying together for the children, if your intention is to work on the marriage. I married my best friend and didn't want to lose that.

I see so many things come out of your wife's mouth that I said. The whole, I want to stay friends with you, I am only staying for the children, etc. The difference is that I decided that I would love my husband. I made a choice and loved him. I am now madly in love with him, and he is with me. He says that never changed for him.

Ok, I'm going off here, but I think that you need some time to focus on you. I think you're right in stepping back from the turmoil. No one can predict the future, but you can focus on God, your boys and you. I think you will be great in time.

Michele

P.S. I hope this all makes sense. I'm kind of worked up right now and may just be rambling. If that's the case, I apologize.

posted June 03, 2001 08:46 PM            

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Originally posted by impulsive:
Now I've reached a point where I don't want to try.

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So. You've entered the withdrawal phase of a relationship. That's natural.

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I'm so bitter right now for her actions not only last night but her attitude over the last few weeks. I know i have a lot of blame from the past but she seems to be milking me while I was in my doormat phase. I know people say plan A is not a doormat phase but she took the kindness for weakness.

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Your wife may have been taking advantage of you, but so what? If you were really giving freely, then you were not being a doormat. It should be enough for you to know that. How your wife interpreted your kindness should not affect your integrity.

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As far as the kids go. They love us both. I wish they could enjoy the benefits of two loving parents in teh same house but I have to shoulder some blame because when she was a wonderful wife I was a jerk.

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Well, if you want to do the right thing by your kids, you will continue to work on your relationship as you have been. The only thing that's changed is that now you don't feel like doing it.

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The thing I can't seem to get her to understand was that we can't do a single thing about last month or last week or yesterday. I can and we could live for today and for tommorrow.

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Guess who else needs to understand this, impulsive? Yes, it's you. You can't change the fact of your wife's drunken abuse last night (or whenever), or the hurt she caused you by her behavior. You can tell her what to expect if she does that again. You can tell her how you feel, and what you plan to do. Just make sure you give her no reason to doubt your love and commitment regardless of how you feel.

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Tommorrow is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm going to make it a positive and wonderful as possible for my kids and I. My wife could be doing cartwheels butt naked with tassles on her tits and I could look at her with no desire because I've reached the point I was trying to avoid. Tired of being Tired.

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posted June 04, 2001 12:04 AM            

All valid, good questions. And I ask them everyday as I try to pull my H back to us. This is a hard road. I never thought I would stand for this - but you know - it may be worth it. I read your posts, and though my situation is different - we are the same in many aspects. I too am ready to throw in the towel and find someone who will appreciate me. ME!! How can he not want ME! ME! ME!~
I just counseled with Steve H on this very subject. 4 months is not long enough. Keep going - often when we are ready to give up they are just about ready to give in.....wouldn't you be upset to find out that 4 more weeks or 8 more weeks could have turned your marriage around? You said in an earlier post you were giving her until Sept....well, that is a ways away.
Steve did say at some point an ultimatim will have to be given. But I have eroded my marriage over a long period and 4 months will not always be enough to repair that amount of damage. If H only gave me 4 months, we would have parted years ago.... Think - can you give a while longer if in the end it may make a difference?

posted June 04, 2001 07:04 AM            

The finish line is in sight and you want to drop out? Is your marriage a 50-yard dash or a marathon?

posted June 04, 2001 09:40 AM            

As GDP brilliantly said, this applies to you as well. Your W threw out an olive branch, don't toss it aside. Your W has six exemplary years and 5-6 rotten months on her record. You have 6 rotten years and 3-4 exemplary months. You both need to forget the past and move forward. That attitude is contagious, you need to adopt it first. By flaming out now you are signalling her that the past 4-5 months have been a herculean effort, an act...that is not what Plan A is supposed to be!!

If you are truly unable to Plan A anymore, you need to consider a change in your strategy.....as in Plan B. Are you ready for that? Move out and cut off contact? Because if you aren't going to Plan A, you shouldn't be in limbo.

If I were you, I'd try to find the strength to continue. You are only about 100 days into what has been a hit and miss effort. You are getting better. Give it 100 days of a perfect Plan A.

Look into your current malaise, exhaustion and frustration (after a few months) and imagine how much of it your W must have had after six years.