 |
 |
|||||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
||
|
|
|||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||
|
 Marriage Builders Discussion Forums
 Emotional Needs
 EN Questionaire (Page 1)
|
 UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! This topic is 2 pages long: 1 2 |
next newest topic | next oldest topic |
| Author | Topic: EN Questionaire |
|
Brent Member |
posted March 27, 2001 11:01 AM
  
Hi everyone, I'm still hanging around, reading and learning. In some cases what to do and others what not to do. My question this time is: How do I get my W to complete the EN questionaire? It's been several weeks. She started it once, but put it aside and said she needs to think about some of the questions and get back to it. I understand that but I would like to get to the discussions. I really hate to be a nag. Any suggestions? Thanks! Do you think I should share mine with her before she finishes hers? Seems that if I do that then her answers will somehow be influenced by my responses. ------------------ IP: Logged |
|
K Member |
posted March 27, 2001 11:41 AM
Brent: I would start by giving your wife the Lovebuster's questionnaire, with the following quip: "I want to know from you if I'm doing anything that's damaging your love for me, besides stuffing these questionnaires in your face. Would you fill this one on Lovebusters out for me, and would you go over it with me on the weekend?" Here's the deal. If your wife is completely willing, you should fill out the LB one first (both of you). Then you sit down together and discuss each "item" (top to bottom), taking turns (say on Angry Outbursts). While your wife reads her responses off her questionnaire, you are to zip your mouth and take notes. No defensive comments. No "but YOU did...". The only times you should speak are to clarify a point she's making (and do so by repeating what you think she said, and asking her if that's correct), and to thank her for her honest feedback. After she's done with item 1, then it would be your turn (with the roles reversed). And so on, for all five lovebusters. After you go through your rankings, you're done (NOT!!). You then need to sit down (by yourself) over the course of a week and make a written plan for eliminating your lovebusters to your wife. These plans must have verifiable goals---not "I won't be angry", but more like "I will no longer smash the TV with my cat in anger". Direct these plans towards the top two most important lovebusting categories. When you have your plan, you sit down with your wife and discuss it with her. Use the Policy of Joint Agreement to make sure the plan suits you and your wife in the goal of eliminating lovebusters. And then execute the plan. Check in weekly with her to see how you're doing. Encourage her to keep a log, if she needs to, where you may need improvement. During all this, you are never to be defensive. After lovebusters are under control, you then tackle the emotional needs issues in the same way. Discuss the questionnaire, make a plan, execute the plan, check on execution. However, you have a wife who's probably not enthusiastic about doing this. One guess would be that she's more than happy to have you work on meeting her needs, but she's not too interested to see what YOU'VE got up your sleeve in regards to your unmet needs. If this is the case, I'd suggest that you leave your needs (and her lovebusters) out of it in terms of the questionnaires (as per the POJA). Instead, see if you can use the forms strictly to get HER input on how you can become a better husband. By using this approach, you can directly show her how these principles should work, and what the benefits are. In addition, you can also attempt to convince her to eliminate lovebusters (or meet unmet needs) using respectful requests (per the POJA), after you've established a consistant track record of good marital behavior and built up your balance in her lovebank. IP: Logged |
|
Brent Member |
posted March 27, 2001 12:19 PM
Thanks for the input K, I hear what you're saying, however knowing my wife, I think it will be a miracle to get one questionaire, much less another one completed. I don't really understand the importance of doing the LB one first. Having read through them both, they seem to be pretty unique and independent. One doesn't necessarily form a foundation for the other. And the one on personal history is totally out of the question. She'll never disclose that kind of history. She's the type woman who is completely honest when I ask a question, but offers no additional information. I know absolutely nothing from her first marriage (except our son), any of her relationships between that marriage and ours or much else from her pre-college years. He parents divorced early and the kids got bumped back and forth for years. So, I guess I'll keep trying. I may just have to fill out the questionaires myself and learn what I can by myself. That should improve things somewhat. Thanks again for the info. Anyone else like to chime in?? ------------------ IP: Logged |
|
K Member |
posted March 27, 2001 01:35 PM
The reason for doing the lovebusters first is that if YOU are lovebusting in a marriage, you can be doing a great job of meeting your wife's emotional needs---but your balance in her lovebank will drop. Think of the lovebank as a pitcher. You want to fill it up by meeting her important emotional needs. But lovebusting is the same as poking holes in the pitcher---you'll never get it full until you stop lovebusting (and "repair" the holes by establishing a consistant track record of good behavior). If you were in counseling with the Harley's (and I've done plenty with both Steve and Jenn); you'd start at the beginning---Lovebusters. If there's no lovebusting problem, then feel free to jump ahead to emotional needs. But if there is an issue with lovebusting, you must resolve it first to see positive results. IP: Logged |
|
ihope Member |
posted March 27, 2001 04:09 PM
Brent: I started out trying to fulfill my H EN but got no where! I had a revelation one day during a discussion about how I woke the kids up in the morning. He said he thought I was condescending to them. I didn't understand what behavior he meant and asked him to let me know the next time I did it so I could understand..... Then it hit me - if I wasn't aware of this behavior (which turned out to be singing to the kids the same song since they were babies) - were there other things I was doing that were irritating, annoying or whatever to my H that I didn't realize I was doing (or were effecting H in a negative way) So I used the above example as a means to start the converstation to get him to fill out the LB survey. Now he thought the LB survey did not apply and instead made a list of things that he disliked about my behavior. I have been diligently working on this list (very painful list, mind you). And the work has paid off. I have been working on it since late Dec and progress is being made. He is now just about ready (I think) to let me fulfill some ENs. It is the correct path to take. good luck! IP: Logged |
|
Laylla Member |
posted March 27, 2001 04:37 PM
quote: Yes, I want to chime in! Brent, please don't make the same mistake my husband and I made and dismiss the LB questionnaire. Many times people are tempted to go straight to the EN questionnaire because they want their own needs met, or the payoff seems good. This is what H and I did. We filled out the EN questionnaire and tried to go from there. Here is what happened: I tried to meet H's ENs and he tried to meet mine. Along the way he LB'd a lot and I did not accept any attempts on his part to meet my ENs. Who wants their ENs met by someone who is making them annoyed, angry, and hurt? Not me. Regardless of how hard he tried, my ENs were not met. So after 6 months, I got sick of trying to meet his ENs because mine were not getting met. We started fighting all the time and twice I asked to separate. Both times he promised not to do hurtful things. Then one more big hurtful thing after which he said, "It's in the past now, nothing I can do about it, I won't do it again so let's move on" so to speak. Then the fighting stopped as I retreated to withdrawal. I asked him to read the LB book. It was pretty slow going. Once I asked him how it was going with the book and he said that it didn't seem have much to do with us because we never fight anymore (since I'm safely hiding in withdrawal), and he had skipped the chapter on angry outbursts because he doesn't do that. I know I've gotten off the subject, but just take my word for it, if you just try to meet ENs without eliminating LBs, you are spinning your wheels and digging a big hole in the process. Laylla IP: Logged |
|
Laylla Member |
posted March 27, 2001 06:15 PM
I'm sending this post back to the top so you guys can tell Brent not to ignore the LB questionnaire. Back me up here guys! Laylla IP: Logged |
|
Brent Member |
posted March 28, 2001 11:09 AM
Hello everyone, I've been away a while but I really appreciate all the great advice. It's too bad that I didn't take any of it. Dumb, I know. Well we shared the EN survey results last night and it didn't go that well. I didn't really get any surprises my way because I pretty much knew what areas about me she was going to attack. However, I was surprised by some of her responses. My top three were Honesty, Affection and SF. Her top three were Honesty (this was nice), Conversation and DS. I knew that SF wasn't going to be ranked high so I was prepared for this. (Actually she put it 5th but I imagine that was for my benefit, it probably isn't really in her top 5) However, the one that has me upset is that she says that she has little or no need for affection. How can that be? I really thought that most women have a very high need for affection. (Does anyone know if MB compiles the TOP 5 for men and women to look at how they stand with the average) Now I am very confused as to how to treat her. I am a very touchy feely person. I like to share a hug and a kiss when we part for the day and when we come home and meet in the evenings. I like to be close when watching a movie and I'll often scratch her back or caress a thight or whatever. But now she reveals that she has no need for that kind of attention. Bummer.....How do you resolve this? I have a great need to share my affection and she doesn't want it. I know. I've got to get the LBs done but for now I could use a thoughtful response. I was hoping we would wind up the evening with a warm fuzzy, but instead it turned out to be one of the loneliest nights I've ever spent between the sheets with her. Please. Chime in! Thanks! ------------------ IP: Logged |
|
Laylla Member |
posted March 28, 2001 11:20 AM
quote: Brent, I hope that you can see this as a constructive opportunity, not an "attack" as you put it. As for affection, if she is in withdrawal, she doesn't want your attention, good or bad. Maybe read up on withdrawal and try to judge if she is there, or ask her yourself. Good luck Laylla IP: Logged |
|
Brent Member |
posted March 28, 2001 11:37 AM
Laylla, I quickly read what's on the MB site on withdrawal and that just simply doesn't sound like the situation we are in. (Unless I've had my head in the sand for years) What would she be withdrawing from? I'm confused. Do you think there could be a physical problem? Harmones or something? I asked her if she thought she should be affectionate to the kids and she said yes. I asked her if she thought she should be affectionate to me and she said yes. Then I asked if it made sense for me to want to be affectionate to her..and no response. She did just e-mail me and thank me for going through the "feelings thing" with her and that she wants to discuss it some more in greater detail. Maybe I've just misinterpreted her responses.(That will be a first, HA!) I guess I'll just have to be patient and see what develops tonight. Any other comments?? Thanks! ------------------ IP: Logged |
|
Laylla Member |
posted March 28, 2001 11:48 AM
quote: Sometimes affection and sexual advances get confused and lumped together in people's minds. I think this is true for both men and women. Many men are affectionate only when they want sex. It doesn't sound like you are like that based on your description of touching in normal every day situations. But maybe your wife interprets affectionate actions from you as something that you are hoping will lead to sex. If she doesn't feel like sex right then, she may not welcome the affection. Just a thought. Laylla IP: Logged |
|
K Member |
posted March 28, 2001 12:34 PM
Brent: You've come across a problem that I've seen all too often---getting acquainted with the web site, while not fully understanding the MB process. In the case of meeting needs, it doesn't matter one bit whether you and your wife have the same five needs. In fact, Harley states in His Needs/Her Needs that there are often cases in which the husband and wife have NO overlapping needs (hence the title: HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS). The important thing is a willingness to meet your spouse's needs. If they're important to them---they should be important to you. Your wife may not "need" affection, but I'd bet that she'd be more than willing to be affectionate for you, especially if you started providing more domestic support (or something else that your wife would like from you that she's not currently getting). Basically, you want to sit down and have a "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" session in which you work on the top needs (which have the biggest effect for the amount of effort expended). If your wife is willing (and not in withdrawal)---you're in good shape (start the planning session). If she is in withdrawal, or unwilling to make a plan, I'd suggest that you "scratch her back" for a while, for "free", and see if that can encourage her to participate in this process. IP: Logged |
|
Brent Member |
posted March 28, 2001 01:13 PM
I guess what I really want is to be important to my W. For instance when I leave in the morning I always walk over to give her a hug and kiss, to wish her a good day or whatever. She rarely returns the kiss. Often times I end up kissing her on top of the head as she continues to read the newspaper not even bothering to look up. In the evenings when she comes home (she gets home about a half hour after I do), she comes in and says hi, pours a glass of wine and heads out back for a smoke. Same routine every single day! Am I asking too much to want a hug and kiss when she comes home? Just a little tenderness. A little compassion. I try not to let it bother me but it does. She now knows this because I mentioned it in the EN questionaire so maybe tonight I'll get a different response. I would like it to be sincere though and not offered just because I asked. Any comments? I'm feel like I'm trying! ------------------ IP: Logged |
|
Laylla Member |
posted March 28, 2001 01:15 PM
Brent Did you always need affection? Could it be that you just want it now because to you, it will mean that your wife loves you? Laylla IP: Logged |
|
Brent Member |
posted March 28, 2001 01:26 PM
Laylla, you can certainly challenge a man. HA! Interesting question. Yes, as far as I can tell I've always needed affection. I was brought up in a loving home with eight brothers and sisters. There was a lot of love. We lost our parents young and we still have a great amount of love in my family even though we are scattered across the US now. My W and I have been married almost 17 years. And I would say that yes, I have always had this need for affection. (To be honest, until recently I believed everyone had this need) Maybe something occurred in my wifes past that is causing her to hold back. Maybe there was some abuse in her first marriage? I don't know but maybe I'll ask. Is there a good way to ask your wife of 17 years if she's ever been abused? Thanks for the point of view! ------------------ IP: Logged |
This topic is 2 pages long: 1 2 All times are CT (US) | next newest topic | next oldest topic |
  |
|
Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.47