Why do you engage in Love Busters? Why do you cause your spouse to be unhappy? One of the most important reasons is that, while they may make your spouse feel bad, they make you feel good. Most Love Busters gain pleasure for you at your spouse's expense. When your spouse complains about them, you rationalize your behavior and explain away the fact that you are simply thoughtless and selfish.
Since Love Busters usually make you feel good while your spouse feels bad, the one best able to identify them is your spouse. Similarly, you are in the best position to identify your spouse's Love Busters.
I've designed the Love Busters Questionnaire to help you identify the Love Busters in your marriage. Two questionnaires should be completed: One for you and one for your spouse.
The analysis of each Love Buster follows a sequence of questions. The first question asks how much unhappiness it causes you. If it does not cause you any unhappiness, it's not a Love Buster, and you don't need to answer the remaining questions. But if it causes you unhappiness, your spouse needs to understand how often it happens (question 2), the form(s) that it takes (question 3), the worst form(s) (question 4), when it first started (question 5), and how it has developed over time (question 6).
At the end of the questionnaire, you are asked to rate the Love Busters according to the unhappiness they create. While all Love Busters should be eliminated, it makes sense to work on the most painful Love Busters first.
The results of these questionnaire will help you understand the pain and unhappiness that you and your spouse create in your marriage. When you cause each other emotional pain, you not only withdraw love units, but you encourage each other to build emotional defenses that cause you to withdraw from each other. Those emotional defenses prevent you from depositing love units to make up for the loss.
If either you or your spouse is in the State of Withdrawal, you have created emotional defenses and will not let the other spouse meet your emotional needs. It's only when you overcome Love Busters that the emotional barrier is removed, and you allow each other to meet your emotional needs. So if either of you are in the state of Withdrawal, the Love Busters should be eliminated before trying to meet that spouse's emotional needs.
Please note: You will need Adobe® Acrobat® Reader installed on your computer to view the LBQ. The software program is FREE. Simply click on the "Get Acrobat Reader" image below and begin the download process. Once the program is installed, come back to this page to view the LBQ.