How to Meet the Emotional Need for
Sexual Fulfillment (Part 2)
Dear Dr. Harley,There is no shortage of love, respect, support etc. in our marriage. The only missing ingredient is sex. This is not due to a lack of consideration or care, but an unfortunate lack of any physical sexuality on the part of my wife. She has never known arousal, and has no idea what it is the rest of us are talking about. She accepts the existence of the need for sex and is therefore, as a loving wife, more than happy to make her body available to me. The problem is that it turns me off. It means using her body, almost like a masturbatory aid, while she is actually in the room watching me. After it's over, she asks me if I've had a nice time. Is an affair the only way I can experience the passion of a sexually responsive woman? I have resisted it because our feelings of love and devotion are so strong. Please help me.
Dear Desperate,In His Needs, Her Needs, chapter 4, I refer the reader to a book that I have used for a number of years, Women's Orgasm: A Guide to Sexual Satisfaction by Georgia and Benjamin Graber. I include in the reference the telephone number of the Little Brown order department where you can order a copy ($4.95). It is 1-800-343-9204. Calling from England, you will have to use the USA country code. It does a good job helping women become more sexually responsive, and particularly good at teaching women to have an orgasm during intercourse.
There are a host of reasons why some women have difficulty with sexual responsiveness. Part of it is due to the fact that testosterone does not flow through their bloodstream the way it does in men. A month's supplement of the hormone from her doctor would help her understand what we men experience throughout our lifetimes.
On the other hand, if you were to take a drug such as Prozac, your sex drive would probably be reduced, and you might be able to understand her experience.
Sometimes the problem is due to a bad relationship, and I can't rule that out in your situation even though it sounds like your relationship is okay. In a bad relationship women are not usually as generous in letting their husbands use their bodies to fulfill a sexual need.
What she seems to have trouble understanding is that your sexual need cannot be fulfilled without her sexual response. She probably thinks that by letting you have intercourse with her, your need is met.
I don't know if she likes to go shopping, but my wife certainly does. There's a great deal of difference between shopping with an enthusiastic shopper, than shopping with a bored shopper. In most cases, my wife would rather not have me along unless I enjoy shopping with her. Sex is the same way.
Since most women have a more difficult time responding sexually than men, a sex act needs to cater to a woman's desires. A man must learn how to bring a woman through the stages of the sexual response, and be careful that his own passion doesn't turn her off. Most women who are sexually responsive find a rather restricted procedure to work, and they want to do precisely the same thing over and over. Some men find it boring, but when you're in love, the fact that you are sexually aroused together usually overcomes the potential for the boredom of predictability.