How to Meet the Emotional Need for
Sexual Fulfillment (Part 2)

Letter #1

Dear Dr. Harley,

I understand that men are the ones that usually want sex all the time. But what happens if I'm the one that wants it and my husband does not. I feel rejected and he's fine without it. There are times I just can't stand it because I want sex every day. But he's too tired, he tells me. When we have sex, there's fireworks, but why doesn't he want it more often? He is affectionate, we hold hands and kiss even after 2 children and 5 years of marriage. He calls me at work to tell me he loves me and I do the same. I just don't understand what the problem could be. I feel like having an affair, but I wouldn't want to disappoint God. Do you have any answers?


Dear Frustrated,

There are many women who have a greater desire for sex than their husbands. One of my clients wanted her husband to make love to her 3 times every day before she was satisfied. She would keep him awake at night until their third time. Other female clients have wanted to make love for hours or even days at a time. One female client wanted to make love to her husband all weekend, every weekend.

A woman's capacity to enjoy sex is far greater than a man's. While men are usually more aggressive about sex, they usually do not want it as often as women who have learned to enjoy it. When a man makes love, his sex drive usually declines immediately afterward, sometimes for a week or more. But when a woman makes love, it can actually increase her sexual interest.

But sex drive alone is not usually what motivates these women--it is their desire to be loved and accepted. Sex makes them feel desirable, and more secure in their relationship. Some of these women have tried to find men outside their marriage who would satisfy their sexual need. But in each case, there were disastrous consequences. Sex wasn't what they really needed--it was only the feeling of being loved that would satisfy them.

From the sound of your letter, you and your husband have a loving and affectionate relationship. He is undoubtedly interested in you sexually, but does not equate sex with being accepted. So for him, his sex drive is all that motivates him to make love, and that happens, for most men, about two or three times a week. In his case, it may be even less often.

One solution to your problem is to make love once a day, at a time that he has the most energy, say in the morning. Another, is to compromise: If he makes love to you every other day, he can pick the time and place, but if two days goes by without sex, at 7:30 the next morning you've got an appointment!

I think it is your need for approval and acceptance that compels you to make love as often as you can. Another important factor is that, unlike half of the married women, you have learned to enjoy sex, which makes each experience a great and inexpensive form of recreation. Don't feel that your sexual interest should be reduced, or that you should let your husband off the hook. Work out a compromise with him that gives you the sex you want in a form he enjoys. Sex is a great way to keep a marriage passionate and fun.

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