Changing a Willingness to Make Love into a
Desire to Make Love

Letter #4
Previous Letter

Dear Dr. Harley,

My husband wants frequency, plain and simple. Sure he occasionally voices wanting "wilder sessions" here and there but for the most part, he's mostly unhappy about how infrequently we have sex (once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks). I hardly ever initiate because it's hardly ever on my mind. Like I've told you in previous emails, I wish I "wanted it" more often but find it difficult to get "my head" there.

Oddly, Dr., my husband and I want the same thing: To stop having sex be such an issue. We want occasional hot, passionate sex and at other times want tender love making too. I'd love to start "wanting it" without it being brought up by my husband. How do I get there??????


Dear Mary,

You are trying too hard to "want" sex. If you simply discover a way to make your sexual encounters with your husband predictably enjoyable for you and effortless (instead of "work"), you will find yourself desiring it without even trying to desire it.

Try to discover what your husband needs to do to help you become sexually aroused more quickly and more intensely. You will need to experiment together, and I would recommend doing this at least three times a week. Remember, all you really want to do right now is learn how to become sexually aroused quickly and effortlessly.

Finding the right physical and emotional environment for you to become sexually aroused will take trial and error. You may want to take notes each night, since your memory of what worked and what didn't work can play tricks on you. Focus especially on how your husband touches you, and how that effects you sexually. Abandon techniques that don't work, and develop those that do.

Best wishes

Mary's next letter to Dr. Harley (5 of 8)
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