Bookstore | Courses, Seminar and Accountability | Videos | Coaching Center | Questionnaires | Marriage Builders® Radio | Radio Archive
   Home | Tax-deductible Donation | Site Tour | Meet Dr. Harley | Basic Concepts | Q&A Columns | Articles | Guidance Forum
NEW Dating after marriage Series of Articles
NEW How to Complain in Marriage
My Spouse Hit Me. Now What?
What to Do with a Serial Cheater
Guidelines for Groping and Grabbing in Marriage
What to Do with a Child of an Affair
Peace and Good Will: Essential for Effective Conflict Resolution
The Scourge of Pornography
How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife
What's the Purpose of a Wedding?
How to Make Your Wife Happy
How to Negotiate When No One Wants to Raise the Issue
The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage
How to Negotiate When You Are an Emotional Person
How Can Trust Be Restored After An Affair?
Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?
Should the Policy of Joint Agreement Be Violated When Trying to Meet Your Spouse's Emotional Needs?
When Should an Affair Be Exposed
How to Survive an Affair
When should you tell your spouse "We have a problem."
Why Women Leave Men
What Are Plan A and Plan B?
Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other
How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love
How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor
The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?
Why are the differences between a man and a woman so valuable in marriage?
What is Marriage Coaching?
Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?
How do you know if your spouse is in love with you?
Fear of Marriage
Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?
What is Sexual Addiction?
What's Wrong with Unconditional Love (Part 1)
When to Call It Quits (Part 1)
Alcohol, Abuse, and Infidelity
Rules that Guide Good Habit Formation in Marriage
What is an Affair?
Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn
Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal for Marriage Therapy?
But you promised!
But no one told me!
Bankrupt!? Us!?
Ouch? No no let me explain.
The Coach
Free Newsletter
The Marriage Builders®

Your Email
Privacy Policy

Marriage Builders®

Marriage Builders®

Live Program
12:00-12:45pm CT

Every 45 Minutes
until the
Next Broadcast

All times Central Time.


More radio information...

Click here for

Click here for

Click here for

Click here for

Click Here!

printer version | email this article | send feedback

"Ouch? No, no, let me explain."

by Steven W. Harley, M.S.

Steven W. Harley, M.S. Ed and Nancy were really enjoying themselves at the Wilson's party. They had not been out together in weeks because of how busy they have been. They even were able to have the babysitter they most trusted to watch the kids. Things were going very well.

As Ed and Nancy stood together talking, Ed felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see who it was. As he turned, he felt his elbow hit something.

"OUCH!" someone yelled.

He turned around to look at what the commotion was and noticed Nancy holding her nose with a look of surprise on her face.

"Why did you do that?" she questioned Ed.

"Do what?" As he looked closer at her nose, it began bleeding. "Oh, my goodness, honey. How did that happen?" he asked.

"How did that happen!? You elbowed me in the nose is what happened!" she said with a subdued yet angry voice.

Ed looked closer at her nose to see if it was broken. Meanwhile, a friend brought a damp rag for the blood.

"Look honey, I don't understand why it should hurt so much. In fact, I'm not sure why it should hurt at all." Ed stated.

A shocked look came over Nancy’s face. "What!?"

"Listen, you know it was an accident, don't you? Of course you do. You know I would never do this intentionally." he said with a Perry Mason like attitude. "So, if I had no intention of hurting my beloved wife and if you accept the fact that this was just an accident, then the pain should go away and everything should be fine again. See?" Ed said. He then stepped back with a strangely confident smile on his face.

"Now," he continued, "this is a rare night for us to get out. Let's not spoil the occasion. Besides, it's in the past."


Tempted to hit him back? Of course hitting is not the answer. However, you can clearly see that Ed lacks the ability to understand the true nature of what happened and what he should do about it. Amazingly, this type of logic is used all too often between couples. Not with physical pain, but with emotional pain.

How many times have you heard your spouse, or you for that matter, say "Oh, you know that's not what I meant to say." or "No. You just heard me wrong." There are countless variations on this theme, but the message is the same: If pain is caused unintentionally, then the pain should not exist.

What Ed should have done was to acknowledge that it was his elbow that caused the pain, demonstrate care by attending to the wound, and, even though she knows that he wouldn't do such a thing intentionally, he still needs to apologize for the pain he caused. Ideally, he would also let her know what he is going to do differently in the future in order to prevent this from happening again (future protection).

Sounds like overkill? Hmm... If you think so, then your Taker must be reading this.

Food for thought...

Steven W. Harley, M.S. is the Director of the Marriage Builders® Coaching Center.

Most Popular Links
The Marriage Builders� Discussion Forum
How to Survive Infidelity
The Most Important Emotional Needs
Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
Coping with Infidelity:
Part 1 - How Do Affairs Begin?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
Love Busters
The Emotional Needs Questionnaire
Q&A Columns
The Policy of Joint Agreement


Worth Looking Into

The Marriage Builders® Home Study Course | Fall In Love, Stay In Love

CUSTOMIZED PLAN with Marriage Coach, Steven W. Harley, M.S.

   Home | Tax-deductible Donation | Site Tour | Meet Dr. Harley | Basic Concepts | Q&A Columns | Articles | Guidance Forum
Bookstore | Courses, Seminar and Accountability | Videos | Coaching Center | Questionnaires | Marriage Builders® Radio | Radio Archive
|  Feedback  |  Privacy Policy  |  Contact Us  |
© 1995-2012 Marriage Builders, Inc. All rights reserved.