What a question. When a husband tells his wife that he loves her, what, exactly is he saying? Many wives wonder.
Throughout the day, he barely recognizes her existence. He shows almost no interest in the problems she faces, what she does, and how she feels. It's only just before bedtime that he starts paying attention to her, and that attention is directed squarely to her body.
At first, she finds his physical attraction to her to be flattering. She wants him to be attracted to her. But as time goes by, she comes to recognized that he seems to care more about having sex with her, than he does about her. She's not sure that he cares about her at all.
She tells him about her concerns, and that she is losing her love for him as a result, but he doesn't seem to understand what she is trying to say. He thinks she is being controlling, when all she really wants is a partnership of mutual care.
Over time, she finds having sex with him to be a trigger for her increasing resentment. What had been for her an eager anticipation for lovemaking, has now become a duty. He makes that very clear to her that it is her duty. Eventually, she can't even force herself to make love to him.
The Problem with Physical Attractiveness
In my book, His Needs, Her Needs, I describe 10 common emotional needs met in marriage. They are affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, financial support, domestic support, family commitment, admiration, and, yes, physical attractiveness.
Of all 10 of these emotional needs, physical attractiveness gets me into the most trouble with wives. Many don't like me to emphasize it. While women are almost universally aware of the fact that it is their physical attractiveness that gets the ball rolling in a romantic relationship, they don't usually like to think that it's what also keeps the ball rolling. Or, that it's the only thing that keeps the ball rolling.
Sometimes it may seem to appear that way. His eyes light up when she undresses and he will even miss a crucial football play when that happens. It seems as if the only time she can get his fullest attention is when she's naked.
But most men would agree with me that while their wife's body clearly get their attention, their love for their wife is not just about physical attraction. It's much deeper than that.
The Meaning of Love
The confusion comes from the fact that love has two meanings. I call them Caring Love and Romantic Love. Both are very important in marriage.
Caring Love in marriage is a decision to do what it takes to make a spouse happy, and to avoid making a spouse unhappy. Decisions are made with the spouse's interests in mind. It's a commitment to put that person on a pedestal – to provide extraordinary care.
Romantic Love in marriage, on the other hand, is a feeling. It's a feeling of incredible attraction to a spouse. For men, that feeling is often expressed in the way he is attracted to his wife's physical appearance. He loves her body.
There's nothing wrong with a husband's physical attraction to his wife. In fact, most wives want their husbands to be physically attracted to them. But the problem arises when he expresses his Romantic Love for her without giving her Caring Love.
Reviewing again the meaning of Caring Love, there are three essential ingredients. First, it is a commitment to do what it takes to make a spouse happy – to meet a spouse's most important emotional needs. Second, it's a commitment to avoid making a spouse unhappy – to avoid the six habits that I call Love Busters. Third, it's a commitment to make decisions with the spouse's interests and feelings taken into account – making decisions with mutual enthusiastic agreement.
If your wife wonders if you love only her body, she's telling you that you are not loving her in the ways she needs to be loved. You are not meeting her important emotional needs, you are making her unhappy, or you are not taking her feelings into account when you make decisions.
If you don't demonstrate these essential ingredients of Caring Love, how can you say that you really do love her?
I know of not a single wife with a husband who has consistently demonstrated Caring Love who complains about her husband's attraction to her body. When I hear this complaint, It's not his physical attraction to her that's the problem. It's his lack of Caring Love.
When a husband is asked, do you really love me, it's all about Caring Love. One or all of the three ingredients that I mentioned has been missing in their marriage.
Would you like to prove to your wife that you really do love her?
I've written three books to help you achieve each of these three objectives. His Needs, Her Needs will help you identify and learn how to meet her most important emotional needs. Love Busters will show you how to turn hurtful habits into helpful habits. He Wins, She Wins will teach you how to make all of your decisions with mutual enthusiastic agreement.
If you are not sure what's missing in your expression of love to your wife, ask her to complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and the Love Busters Questionnaire. You can download them free of charge from the questionnaires section of the Marriage Builders® website. Her answers to those questions will give you the roadmap to her heart. My three books will then help guide you down that road to prove to her that you really do love her, and not just her body.