The word, sacrifice, usually refers to an act of giving up something valued for something else more valuable. Education is a good example. We sacrifice our time and money early in life to develop knowledge and skills that will benefit us later in life. This is a personal sacrifice to help ourselves.
But it can also refer to giving up something valued for something of value to someone else. Charitable acts and donations are examples of this meaning of sacrifice. While a person may feel a sense of well-being when engaging in these acts, or that it's somehow required of them, there is usually nothing gained financially or personally. Those who give time and money to help starving people in various parts of the world are usually sacrificing in this way. It's pure altruism, giving without expecting anything in return.
Both of these forms of sacrifice are common in everyday life. We sacrifice for personal gain, and we sacrifice for the gain of others. But it's this second meaning that is usually used in the context of marriage.
Sacrificing one's own interests for the interests of someone you love is a time-honored way of demonstrating your care for that person. So, in marriage, many feel that the more spouses give sacrifically to each other, the more their marriage is ideal—what it should be.
This ideal is described in the short story The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry. An impoverished couple wants to give each other something significant for Christmas but have no money to do so. The wife wants to give her husband a watch fob to go with his prized possession, his watch. The husband wants to give his wife a comb for her hair, her crowning glory. So he sells his watch to buy the comb and she sells her hair to buy the fob. It's a very sentimental story of sacrificial love, appropriate for the Christmas season when Christ was born to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins.
But sacrifice has several pitfalls in marriage.
First, sacrifice is usually done in secret. Instead of a couple being radically honest with each other, letting each other know how their acts of care are adversely affecting them, they give the impression that the sacrifice was not a loss to them at all. If that were really true, it would not be a sacrifice, because sacrifices require loss. If there is no loss, there is no sacrifice.
The second reason is that sacrifice isn't reliable long-term. It's something that should be given only occasionally in emergency situations. I am 100% in favor of sacrifice in marriage where one spouse needs, say, special care after surgery. I'm willing to drop everything I'm doing and give Joyce anything she needs from me without considering my cost, and she is willing to give to me sacrificially as well when these unusual situations arise.
Third, although it's unreliable, it can set a precedent that leads to unrealistic expectations. When one spouse's gain is at the other spouse's voluntary loss, what was voluntary one day can easily become expected the next. For example, if on a special occasion a wife decides to have sex the way her husband enjoys it the most, but is unpleasant for her, her sacrifice can come back to haunt her. By giving him the impression that she enjoyed the experience so that he would enjoy it even more, sooner or later she'll find him pestering her to do it the same way again until she gives in. If she does try to meet this expectation, eventually, she will dread the very thought of sex.
A fourth reason that sacrifice doesn't work well in marriage is that reciprocation is expected. If I do something that's unpleasant for me so that my wife, Joyce, can have what she wants, I'll be waiting for her to return the favor. And if she doesn't do that—if I'm the only one making sacrifices—I'll assume that she doesn't care about me in the same way I care about her. Sooner or later my resentment will bubble to the surface.
A fifth reason is that sacrifice is a Love Buster. Even when it's given voluntarily, any personal loss that you associate with your spouse will cause Love Bank withdrawals. That doesn't seem possible at first until you give it some thought: When you do something for your spouse that is unpleasant for you to do, it diminishes the feelings that you have for your spouse. One-sided generosity can harm a relationship.
In a mutually caring relationship such as marriage, sacrificing for each other doesn't make much sense if both spouses really do care about each other. Why should I expect Joyce to suffer for my happiness? Why should she expect me to suffer for her? Neither of us should want the other to lose so that we can gain. It's only if we are being selfish in an uncaring moment that we would expect the other to sacrifice. Mutual care means that both of us want each other to thrive and neither of us want the other to suffer.
In the O. Henry short story, it was assumed that the watch was his and the hair was hers to do whatever each of them wanted to do with them. But in marriage, everything should be considered as owned jointly. The loss of his watch was a loss to her as well. The loss of her hair was also a loss to him. While the story is sentimental, truth is, they both lost something of great value to them as a couple and gained little in return. This "ideal" couple would have never have suffered that loss if they had been honest with each other.
So, is there any place for sacrifice in marriage? Indeed, there is. It does make sense when spouses work together in joint sacrifice to accomplish a goal of mutual value. Throughout our lives together, Joyce and I have saved to purchase something that we needed. We do without certain comforts for a while to have something that we value after we have saved enough. We also decide together to give to others when we see their need.
But joint sacrifice in marriage requires openness and honesty. It's done with both spouses knowing what is required of them. It also has a well-defined ending—the sacrifice is not expected to continue indefinitely. Since the sacrifice is mutually agreed upon and requires joint effort, there is no expectation of reciprocity. Finally, it's not a Love Buster when done with mutual enthusiastic agreement.
So, when I warn couples to avoid sacrifice in their marriage, I want them to understand that, as tempting as it is for a mutually caring couple, it has many pitfalls. On the other hand, if you can agree that a mutual short-term sacrifice can achieve a mutual long-term advantage for both of you, such a plan can actually be helpful to your marriage as long as basic emotional needs are met during the time of sacrifice. If you sacrifice your emotional needs, such as being separated to develop your education or career, you're sacrificing the very fabric of your relationship. It's not a sacrifice worth making.