Marriage can be wonderful and it can be horrible. It all depends on how spouses treat each other. If they provide extraordinary care for each other, it's wonderful. But if they abuse each other or neglect each other, it can be horrible.
Sometimes a spouse trapped in a horrible marriage needs to escape the trap long enough to figure out what's gone wrong and what can be done about it. I'm a big advocate of separation when a marriage is horrible. Especially when the spouse left behind isn't willing to try to make it wonderful.
I've written two articles that are related to this topic. The first is, My Spouse Just Left Me. Now What? I advise the one left behind to avoid being angry, to gather information regarding what it was that drove their spouse away, and to do what it takes to solve that spouse's problems.
The second related article is, My Spouse Just Hit Me: Now What? My advice to a physically abused spouse is to get out as soon as possible. Any form of physical abuse is very dangerous because its damage is unpredictable. Angry outbursts are a form of temporary insanity, and can lead to permanent injuries and even death.
But leaving an abusive marriage isn't easy to do. Many who try often find themselves poorly equipped to live on their own, even for a few weeks. So, before their problem can be adequately addressed, they often find themselves crawling back on their hands and knees to face even more abuse than they had suffered before they left.
To avoid that tragic outcome, I make recommendations for what an abused spouse can do to gain support that avoids the need to ever return until the marriage has been proven to be safe.
In this article, I will not address separating for physical abuse, because I've already discussed it in the related article. Instead, I will focus attention on marital problems that are horrible, but do not put a spouse at physical risk. In these situations, a spouse has more time to prepare.
The title of this article makes it sound as if the one who left is unprepared. I strongly advise against simply up and leaving without careful planning because it puts the separating spouse into a very weak bargaining position. So, if you have left your spouse without a plan, and you are not at risk for physical abuse, if possible, I'd suggest returning home to start planning for the next time you separate.
A plan for separation should be made with a plan for reconciliation. The plan for reconciliation should be revealed to your spouse first, and if that plan is unsuccessful, the plan for separation can then be implemented. That way, when you separate, your spouse will know why you separated, and what can be done to bring you back.
Your plan for reconciliation will require you to have the vocabulary to articulate your marital problem accurately. I help you learn that vocabulary when you complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, the Love Busters Questionnaire, and the Marital Problem Analysis. When you complete them for your own use, it will help you understand what has been missing in your marriage and what your priorities should be. My books, His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters will also help give you a way to explain what you need to your spouse without being judgmental.
When you are able to explain what is missing in your marriage, you should write it in a letter to your spouse in a proactive and non-threatening way. I recommend a letter instead of face-to-face discussion because of the high risk of one or both of you becoming upset. And when spouses are upset, they often become emotionally abusive. Even if you are upset while you describe your problem in writing, you can edit your initial emotionally charged sentences, and rewrite any that might be interpreted by your spouse as being demanding, disrespectful, or angry.
As an example of what you might write, I've taken this sample letter from my article, How to Negotiate When No One Wants to Raise the Issue.
Hi Honey,
I know that this may seem to be a strange way for me to introduce a topic with you, but I'm afraid that I might have trouble making myself clear if we were to talk about it. So, if you would indulge me, I'd like to introduce problems that I've been having so that we can work together toward a solution. These are problems that we have had for some time now, but I think we have both avoided dealing with them for a variety of reasons. Maybe by writing to each other about it, we can come to a resolution.
The next section of the letter should state the problems you have identified in the questionnaires you have completed, and offer your perspective on how they might be solved. Again, remember to avoid writing anything that sounds demanding, disrespectful, or angry.
The problems I'd like us to solve is that, from my perspective, we are . . . (describe the problems as Love Busters or failure to meet emotional needs). I would like to (avoid Love Busters – be specific, and/or have my emotional needs met – be specific. I think that we could do this if we scheduled time each week to address these issues, and then practice what would solve the problem.
After you've stated the problem and described your perspective, you should ask for your spouse's perspective. How does he or she feel about the problem itself and about your proposed solution?
How do you feel about it? Do you also feel that we're (describe the problems)? If so, how would you like to solve them? But if you are happy the way things are, would you help me with these problems I've been having? What would you suggest? Please write me a response so that we can begin solving this problem together.
With all my love,
Now, you have clearly described the problems you have been having in your marriage. If you ultimately separate, there can be no doubt as to why that happened and what your spouse can do to reconcile. Do not tell your spouse that you will separate if your requests are not adequately addressed. That would be a threat, and your negotiation should be safe and pleasant – right up to the moment you separate.
Once your requests have been identified, your spouse will either respond to them or ignore them. These are ways that your spouse might respond.
1. A proactive response. Your spouse responds in writing with empathy and creativity. He or she apologizes for failing to avoid Love Busters and/or meet your emotional needs. He or she expresses a willingness to try to do just about anything to resolve these problems. Suggestions are made that would help solve the problems you have addressed. You would begin by following an agreed-upon plan and discussing by letter how successful your plan has been to solve the problems you face. If either of you feels that changes would be helpful, you would write to each other about it without making demands, being disrespectful or becoming angry. When you feel safe, you could start discussing your progress face to face.
2. A defensive response. You receive a response in a timely manner, but it begins by blaming you for the problems. "If you would not (fill in the blanks) you would not have these problems." While those issues could have been discussed respectfully, your spouse turns them into disrespectful accusations. This kind of reaction is probably the primary reason that you have not solved the problem earlier. You need help in knowing how to negotiate. Your next letter might suggest that you read together the first five chapters of my book, Love Busters, before discussing your problems further. Then, when educated in how to solve problems the right way, without demands, disrespect, or anger, you proceed to solve your problems proactively.
3. No response. Occasionally, when one of my clients writes this letter to get the ball rolling, their spouse rips it up and throws it away. Or, they don't even acknowledge receiving the letter. In cases like these, I usually recommend sending the letter again in slightly different forms, mentioning the fact that your problem needs to be addressed. A spouse that is unwilling to respond to repeated communications of a problem is in many ways already divorced – emotionally divorced. They have violated the vow to care for their spouse, which is the purpose of marriage itself.
While you are reaching out to your spouse for help in solving your marital problems, you should also be preparing for a separation. You should not tell your spouse about your preparations, because that would constitute a threat, which rarely helps solve marital problems permanently. It's one of the few exceptions to my Policy of Radical Honesty and Policy of Joint Agreement. If your health and safety are at risk, neither policy apply. I consider a horrible marriage to be neither healthy or safe.
A separation is risky and should not be taken lightly. Many go much longer than originally planned and can ultimately lead to divorce. So, those outcomes must be taken into account in planning for a separation.
The first step in your plan should be to contact a divorce attorney. The attorney can help you think through a plan that would be legal, and can point you to ways of making your separation as comfortable for you as possible.
Legal issues are very important to understand. For example, if you leave children behind, you could be found guilty of abandonment which would make it more difficult to have custody of your children in the event of a divorce. In that case, you might want to consider having your spouse removed from your home instead of you leaving. Granted, such a move would likely upset your spouse much more than if you were to simply leave, but it would solve another problem for you in addition to protecting your custody rights: You would have a convenient place to stay that might be difficult for you to match anywhere else.
An attorney could also help you plan for financial support from your spouse when you separate. Again, it would add insult to injury from your spouse's perspective, but it might help solve the problem of how you would pay for the separation, especially if it were to be longer than you had anticipated. In the event that you would eventually divorce, those support payments often form the basis for child support and alimony that you would be entitled to receive.
Social support from friends and family are also important to consider while discussing separation details with an attorney. If you would have more social support if you allowed your spouse to continue living in your home, it might be worth the inconvenience of you moving out. You should be surrounded by those who love you and would support your decision to separate.
A second step in preparing for a separation is to write a letter to your spouse that communicates how difficult it was for you to make this decision, but how hopeful you are that in the end you will be reconciled with a better marriage.
A letter of separation might look like this:
Hi Honey,
By now you probably know that I have separated from you. This will be a very difficult time for both of us, but I'm hoping that in the end we will have a marriage that is better than either of us could have ever imagined.
I have already expressed the reasons for my dissatisfaction, but let me explain it again so there can be no misunderstanding.
(You repeat the issues that you had raised in your earlier letters)
I care a great deal about you, and want to do my part in restoring our relationship. I'm willing to talk with you, text you, and have times for us to be together while we are separated. But I want that time to focus attention on what has been missing in our marriage, and what we can do to recover.
With all my love,
This letter should be given to your spouse after you have separated, and should be kept in a place that cannot be found by your spouse.
The third step in your plan to separate is for you to be what I call a Plan A spouse. I first used this term to describe what a spouse should do when separating due to infidelity. It is to avoid the Love Busters of demands, disrespect, and anger, and to try to meet as many emotional needs of your spouse that can be met with your enthusiastic agreement. In the case of infidelity, when Plan A does not result in the unfaithful spouse eliminating all contact with the other person, and agreeing to follow a plan for recovery, Plan B follows. It is separation with no contact with the unfaithful spouse until the affair is over and agreement is made to follow a plan for recovery.
However, in the case of neglect, I recommend as much contact as possible. In fact, I would encourage dating during this time to help demonstrate what has been missing.
In many, if not almost all cases of separation, the first reaction of the spouse left behind is very emotional. It can be expressed as anger, panic, depression, or all three. That's why it's important to have prepared in advance a caring and encouraging way of expressing your plan for marital recovery.
But within a week or two, that spouse usually tries to be less emotional and more logical in an attempt to end the separation. You have already provided a clear roadmap regarding what you expect to have in marriage, and now it's up to your spouse to try to meet those expectations.
Your spouse may promise to be a better spouse if you will just return home, but your response should be that you want to see evidence first. Everything that you have been missing in your marriage can be provided just as easily during separation as it would be while living together. Besides, separation provides added incentive to start getting into the habits to avoid Love Busters and to meet emotional needs. Habits are formed through repetition, and if you plan to get together every day, or at least several times a week to practice, within a few weeks, you will have the evidence you need to consider living together.
When you have decided that it's time to be together, do it gradually. One evening, then two, followed by three. The dates you have been having, to practice avoiding Love Busters and to meet each other emotional needs, should be continued after you live together. So even though you plan to spend the night, you should still have your date as if you were separated. When you finally together for an entire week, make sure that your dates are carefully planned, and that you will be scheduling them for the rest of your lives together. It's during those dates that your most intimate, and most important, emotional needs are met.
Make being back together permanently depend on whether or not your dates, your time for undivided attention, are being scheduled in advance and are carried out as planned when you are back temporarily.
Divorce is always a risk when you separate. Your spouse may not show any interest in responding proactively to your requests, and may give your spouse an opportunity to tell friends and relatives that your separation is what caused him or her to file for divorce. So, don't expect your separation to necessarily lead to a cure for your marriage. Be prepared for a divorce.
On the other hand, if you have had it with the current state of your marriage, and can't imagine continuing your life as it is, separation is a risk worth taking if you provide a path to recovery.